This past week was one of those weeks. Felix was sleeping worse than ever. Up every hour or more. Not napping. and very needy when he was awake. Demanding attention and movement and constant activity. Saturday afternoon rolled around and I nursed Felix down for a nap as I left the house around 3:45 PM for rehearsal.
I knew leading this weekend would be hard. Little else other than my sisters, parents and my own exhaustion had been on my mind that week. How can I help my family? How can I get Felix to sleep. What is going on in all this chaos of life. How is God moving. I was struggling with being angry at God. I was feeling like my prayers were going unheard. My heart was broken in the midst of this crisis and my emotions were all over the map. I didn't know how much I would have to offer the church body as a leader.
Rehearsal Saturday night flew by and we were done 30 minutes early. We normally don't rehearse ministry time songs, but I decided to play through them since I had the time. Something happened. As usual with God when He comes it's powerful and usually catches me off guard a little. I was simply running through the song "Promises of Wonder" and in the midst of distractedly playing the line "In the darkest night, when death closes in, all your promises are yes and amen." squeezed at my heart out at me.
How can this be true? My mind raced. I've seen the darkest night and I don't believe you. I don't trust you right now, God! I continued to sing "To the fatherless, your love rushes in. All your promises are yes and amen." Struggling through the bridge knowing in my head the words are truth, but my heart hadn't made the connection yet.
I repeated the words over and over, trying to will the truth to sink in. and then it happened. I felt the Lord draw near. I felt Him standing right by me. I didn't need to have the answers. I didn't need to straighten out my emotions and be a "happy little worship leader." I just needed him near. And believe it or not, with his presence so close. So comforting, I began to see how even in this dark season of the soul among my questions and confusion God is there, working. He indeed does have good promises and good plans for my life and HE IS GOOD. And a peace and energy washed over me as I sang. Whether I fully understood it or not, I allowed myself to cling to his loving kindness in the midst of pain and out of the bowels of my soul a light began to shine again. Hope and restoration of my faith.
Tears ran down my face as I sang the bridge again to an empty sanctuary and finished the song with the lines "Always, and only, the mark of Your love will be my glory."
A supernatural energy came into my body and the set that evening and the next morning (after another night of little sleep) was sweet. A time of intimacy with God and in his presence. We lingered and loved on God and felt him close. For once in weeks I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel tired. I didn't feel confusion and doubt. He strengthened my heart and built up my faith and allowed me to lead out of my own complete weakness.
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