Since the last one...

It has been a while since my last post and I feel the need to let my avid readers know that I am still alive. I didn't get sucked up in a Tennessee tornado last week, which is good (This is not a joke, and I am not making light of the tragidy that happened last week. I am just stating a fact). Unfortunately, there was some massive destruction from the crazy tornadoes just 20 minutes from my house. I feel blessed to not be "hit" by one of these massive twisters.

Since we last met a lot has happened. Here are some of the highlights

• Our Church moved to Sunday mornings AND Saturday nights. It's making weekends quite interesting for me and Josh because we can't seem to decided which service we want to attend.
  
• My friend Megan is about to pop with twins and everyone is on pins and needles waiting to hear from them when she goes into labor.
• My husband, Josh, ran his first marathon. 26.2 miles. He looked good at mile 5. Started to fade at mile 14. Looked like he was about to die at mile 19 and got a 2nd wind at mile 20 and cranked out the last 6 miles. The last 6 were either a direct result of the 12 bagles and massive amount of spaghatti Josh ate to carbo load the day before or it was because he heard the song "Take a Chance on Me" from Mama Mia on his iPod. Either way, I am so proud of him.
  
• I have decided to lose 20 lbs. I state this like it's not big deal. I think the bigger deal you make out of things, the easier it is to revolt and not do it. I am gunna see if the laid back "no-biggie" approach works. I will let you know if it does. If it doesn't, don't ask.
  
• I traveled 6 hrs to Bloomington, IL . Spent a lot of time with the in-laws. Had a glow-in-the-dark easter egg hunt. I got my butt kicked.
  
• In Bloomington went to Maggie O'Mileys for drinks with Matt and Chelsea (who are from Nashville).
• My Family visited me and Josh in Nashville. We had a blast playing cards/settlers, watching movies, eating out.
  
• Last but not least.....I GOT A PUPPY! She is a cocker spaniel/poodle mix. Her name is Willow and she is the cutest little thing you will ever see. Driving to pick her up was an adventure with Josh. We ended up having to cut through some back hills in KY and met the breeder in the middle of nowhere in MO. On the way we saw a horse on the side of the free way (weird), a wild pack of dogs with about 6 puppies trailing behind them(cute/weird), a car up on a hill on the side of the free way(weird), a bridge that resembled a roller coaster(scary), and the Mississippi River(BIG!) among other things. I will put up a picture of willow when I can figure out how to without using my broken computer...

That's all for now.

Hungry

Recently, I have been pondering what it really means to be hungry for God and His word. This lingering thought came after reading part of the book The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun and Paul Hattaway. This is the remarkable story of one man's journey of being a radical Christian at the start of the intense Christian persecution in China.

Near the begining of this mans story Brother Yun talks about how he was DESEPERATE for the word of God when he first came to know the Lord but Bibles were illeagle and incrediblly hard to come by. Brother Yun tells of how he heard of a rumor of another man who had a Bible in a village near his and how he begged this man even to just see the Bible for confirmation that Gods Word still exisits. Because of the risks associated with haveing abible the man said no, but if Yun wanted a Bible he should fast, pray, and cry out to God and the Lord would give one to him.

Anyway, long story short he fasts 2 meals a day and prays for the Lord to give him a bible every day for 100 days. One night in the middle of the night Brother Yun had a vivid dream of two men pushing a cart of bread. The two men asked him if he was hungry for a piece of bread. In the dream Brother Yun says yes, and the men give him a fresh piece of bread in a red bag. Right as he puts the fresh bread in his mouth the loaf turns into a Bible and Yun praises the Lord!

Waking up from his dream he became even more hungry for the Lord's word and frantically searched his house top to bottom to find one. His parents, who he lived with, (for he was only 16 years of age at the time) woke up and were concerned for thier son's sanity. In the middle of the night, in a remote village in China the three of them began to weep and cry to the Lord for Yun to get a Bible.

As they were shouting out thier desperate, end of rope cry, a knock came on thier door. Yun ran to the door and through it asked "Are you bringing the bread to me?"

A voice replied "Yes, we have a bread feast to give you." Recognizing the voice Yun opened the door and on the other side were the two men from his dream and they passed him a red bag with a Bible inside and quickly disappeared into the night. In the book Yun says "I always held that Bible. Even when I slept I lid it on my chest. I devoured it's teachings like a hungry child."

I can't stop thinking about this story. I think as Americans we are so used to having our needs met right away and we are so used to a surface "knowing" of God that the deep desire to go directly into the Heart of God gets lost in all the materialism, TV, Food, and power. We take our and our freedom to worship, pray, and read the Word of God for granted.

After reading this real account of hunger for God I realize how numb and "satisified" my daily life can be. Fake satisfaction it seems now. What am I doing? I want this overwhelming desire that Yun posessed, right? I want to only be filled by the God's Spirit and Word, right. I want to chase after and pursue Jesus with ALL my heart, right? I guess the real question now is...what is stopping me? More to come on this later.

Busy Life

As always my weekend flies by with little to no time for me to actually recuperate from the previous week. Here is what my weekend consisted of.

Friday night:

• 5:30 Called a dog breeder to check references and make a deposit on a cute little cockapoo (cocker spaniel/poodle mix) puppy (soon to be the newest member of our family).
• 6:00 Went over to the Causey's for dinner (Joanna my sister-in-laws parents)
• 9:00 Got home from dinner and had people over to watch a movie
• 1:00 Sleep

Saturday

• 9:30 Woke up.
  
• 10:00 Went on scheduled shopping date with sisters-in-law. Ended up being more frustrating than fun because as it turns out... Josh and I have no money.
• 2:00 Got home and ate some food
• 3:00 Showered
• 4:30 Went to church to help with worship
• 8:30 Got home from church
• 8:45 had people over to hang out and eat dinner
• 12:45 Sleep

Sunday

• 8:45 woke up
  
• 9:45 First day for Sunday morning service at our church.
  
• 12:00 Immediately after church had a youth event playing Volleyball, frisbee, sardines, and grilling out...
• 4:30 got home from youth event
• 5:00 felt obligated to work out at the YMCA
  
• 6:15 played tennis
• 7:30 Went to dinner with friends
• 9:30 got home
• 10:30 crashed in bed
• 12:00 Actually fell asleep...

Needless to say...I feel like I haven't had any time for me to just do "what I want." I know that sounds selfish, but sometimes that's what a girl needs.

I constantly feel surrounded by other people and feel as though I am caught up with making them happy and giving them what they want all the time. It's a frustrating feeling to have. I am caught in the middle of hating being alone but desperately needing some alone time to rest my brain. Not sure how to fix this problem. It is wearing on my nerves and emotions and unfortunately the people closest to me are the ones taking the brunt of the aftermath. If anyone has an solutions...please let me know asap.

Better

Don't freak out people...I am not depressed. The last post was pretty down but I am feeling much better today. However, I want to remind you that in the very first post of this lovely "withallhearheart" blog I stated that I would be "real" when posting on this site and I hate to break it to you, but, my life isn't all sunshine, candy, puppies, and rainbows people. Sometimes it's messy and sometimes it's pretty, but you have to take the good with the bad if you are going to follow my blog.

I struggled through being "real" and actually laying my heart and true emotions on the line before the last post. It's not that I am afraid of being open. I easily share a lot about my life with my friends and family because they know me. Even complete strangers I am okay with opening up to because I know I will probably never see them again. It's the random acquaintances that I worry about. I know of certain people who read this blog that see me/talk to me once or twice a week and they might start to worry after reading a post like the last one. They might think.."Do I need to be calling her once an hour to be sure she hasn't done something crazy" or "Sheesh, I am never leaving my kids with her again..." after reading what's really going on inside my jumbled head.

After wrestling with that on Monday night before hitting the orange "publish post" button I realized that this writing is something that really helps me process through some of the things I experience in life. I begin to sort emotions out in my head as I type and come to better realize why I act and react the way that I do...so, with that said, just know that I am (for the most part) emotionally stable and this blog has been a great way for me to sort through all my junk and emotions to rise above and learn from my past and that I am not going to take the grit out of my own "auto biography" just to make some acquaintances comfortable.

The Lights Are Off Right Now...

So I know my last post was hopeful about the sudden shift in me and Josh's life and I want you to know that things are still going fairly well and I am still quite hopeful about the future, because I know everything is in God's hands. However, having change forced into my little-comfortable-perfect routine has been really hard for me to adjust to. I have been feeling sad and lost for the past few days. Almost like when you walk in to an unfamiliar room with the lights turned off and you have to grope around for 30 seconds trying to find the switch which then turns out to be 6 switches and you are flipping them all on and off and none of the lights in the actual room you are in are turning on and you realize that the switches are on the lamps them selves and the whole vicious cycle starts over again...

I have no idea why the-forced-change is making me feel this way. Maybe it is having things out of my "control". Maybe it is having to drive to work by myself in the morning. Maybe it is knowing that everyone else in the house gets to be in relaxed clothes at home. Maybe it's the cubicle. Maybe my calling is being stifled. I don't know. All I know is that more often now, than before "the change" I feel like crying.

Sitting at my desk at work. Driving in my car. Laying in bed. Eating. All the time. I guess I am noticing how much of my day is spent by myself wishing I could be with someone I love. If you are reading this, and I love you, please know that I am in desperate need of more of you in my life...or maybe I don't. Maybe I just need more of Jesus or Holy Spirit. I honestly DON'T KNOW! and I think that is what is bothering me the most...

"Not all who wander are lost."
-J.R.R. Tolkien