Travels with Bébé

Bonjour Mon Petit Bébé,

We are 28 weeks this coming Saturday. Life has been busy but even before you've taken your first breath in this world you weave your way into each moment of my life. Your a fiesty kicker and seems to be most active right when I'm falling asleep or mid morning after breakfast while mommy is reading and working. Seeing and feeling your bumps, kicks, and hiccups still enthralls me and is one of the best parts of every day.

This last week we spent some time at a worship retreat in Asheville, NC. Making memories around camp fires, smelling mountain mist and soaking in the Lord's presence. You especially loved worship and would dance in my belly while I swayed to the rhythm. I felt encouraged by other worship leader moms and spent some much needed time before the throne.

Traveling from Asheville to Bloomington we spent the last weekend with your G-Ma, Aunt Drassy, and Aunt Jo in Bloomington, IL for your first shower. I don't think it has soaked in that the person I'm growing is the little person who will lay in our new pack and play and that your little arms and legs will  be the ones I squeeze into the onsies and stretchy pants we received. Being a first time Mom I'm totally unprepared for how your are going to turn my world upside down. I acknowledge it with my brain, but my heart hasn't quite stretched enough in this lifetime to understand the joy you will bring.

Now I have traveled my way to the top of IL in Chicago spending precious time with the littlest Ewing girl, my sister and your Auntie Em. You are going to love her. She is sarcastic, and whitty, and smart, and beautiful and is full of so much humor and life. Bring 8 years younger than me, I took her for granted growing up, but as with most family relationships, they grow stronger the older you are and I'm so thankful I get to spend some treasured moments with her just us two, bashing around the windy for a day.

But through all my travels I find myself trying to picture your little face more and more.  Will you have red hair like everyone suspects or will your surprise us with brown or blonde locks. Will your little noggin be long and oval shaped like mine or will you have a square face like your papa. You light up my dreams from time to time, but never long enough for me to soak in your button nose and rose bud lips. My heart aches for the day when we are finally face to face, my little bébé.

For now...avec un amour profond,
Mum

A Kick and a Soft Heart

I laid down on my freshly made bed after a shower with my hair in a towel and soft grey robe wrapped around me. Opening my robe, I looked down at my bare belly protruding with the life growing inside. "Kick me" I thought and poked my squishy side hoping for a reaction. "Come on..." I begged as I poked just above my belly button where some hard extremity of my growing child had come to rest.

The thumps, bumps, and jabs of this little one had come to be my favorite part of every day. They rarely ceased to pass by unnoticed without pause or an extended period of literal navel gazing hoping to catch some movement with the naked eye or shouting for Josh to come and put his hand on my belly to feel the movement and share in my joy.

As the silence of the house surrounded me chores and check lists all faded to the background and I remembered reading that around 25 weeks babies in the womb begin to recognize mama and papa's voice. Their ear drums are tuning into noises in the world outside the womb. So, with selfish motivation, I began to sing so I could catch another glimpse of my precious ones movements. I sang the first song that popped into my head. "Sing My Love" by Sarah McMillian. 

In 2008 when I started this blog I was going through what I now refer to as my season of personal spiritual awakening. God was stirring my heart with every day mundane things. The world around me felt alive and I ached to spend time in the Lord's presence. Worshipping. Resting. Reading. I wrote an entry which has become the highest trafficked page on my blog BY FAR and it was all about how the song "Sing My Love" impacted me. A simple phrase in that song "He always knew me..." ripped my heart from my chest and allowed me to see my life through God's eyes. 

I saw myself as a little girl with dandelion crown around my strawberry blonde hair paying in the back yard with my sister. I saw an awkward pre-teen singing wearing a red polo standing on the top row of sopranos in chamber choir. I saw a self-conscious teenager trying desperately to look thin and fit in at all costs. I saw a college girl lost and confused about new-found freedom wanting to be noticed by anyone polishing a "fun-girl" image every second of every day. And I saw God there at every. single. moment. loving me and smiling over my life. A proud Father, who was (and is) shaping me into the person I was born to be.

Selfishly singing this song on the bed last week, I got to the line "He always knew me..." and the baby kicked. A strong jab right in the middle of my abdomen that changed the atmosphere. Shifted my mind to the Lord and suddenly His presence was in the room so strongly I started weeping. Crying so hard I could barely finish singing the song which then morphed into another song, and then another, and then a strange lament-praise in my own words. Very "unpretty" in the technical sense. But lovely truth that flowed out of my mouth softening my heart drawing me back to the Father. 

Back to MY Father. Where I am unconditionally loved and accepted. Where grace soaks into the deepest parts of my bones and where I am known. Known not by my performance or talents. Known not by my salary or accomplishments. Known not by my attitude good or bad nor by my past clean or unclean. But known just because I of who I am. Because I am His. A daughter of the Creator. A daughter of light. A daughter of the King.

And my baby...my precious, beautiful, amazing child that hasn't even inhaled its first breath in this world yet, is already known by that same God. And there really isn't any amount of tiny baby jabs that add up to the amount of goodness that that truth holds.

My cup runs over.

A New Leaf

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

I'm obsessed with all things Autumn. Starting at the beginning of September I constantly check the 5 and 10 day weather report to see when the temps will dip below 60 and plan boot wearing accordingly. But in the south my fixation on scarves, nutmeg spiced drinks and pumpkin flavored baked goods are thwarted by temperatures continuously meandering into the high 80s. I wake with hopes of crisp air,  steaming tea and cinnamon butter toast to start a productive day perfectly balanced between checking things off my to-do list and relishing creative moments. I'm caught off guard when I break a sweat walking Willow outside to do her business and find my enthusiasm for the day fading as the temperature rises.

The fickle weather mirrors my attitude and I feel adrift.

My days fade in and out each quite similar to the last and I crave for the Lord to show me something new. My body aches to feel fire or ice. Something other than the tepid days I'm floating in. I yearn for my affections to awaken. For an ecstasy or an agony to lead my heart away from mediocre.

I desperately need my passions to be stirred once again.

I used to be a passionate person. I used to feel aweMusic. Art. the Lord. Food. Wine. Worship. Writing. I felt drawn and touched by these thing. I used to be teachable and moldable  I used to be  emotional for the right reasons allowing the Spirit to stretch me into a new understanding of His power. Letting his word show me new sides of His great love. but now...I'm afraid to admit it... now, I've become the person who is impossible to impress. I'm cynical and pessimistic. Nothing surprises me. Very little sparks me enough to move. 

I still deeply believe in God. I deeply believe He is moving all around the world. I vehemently know in my head that He is at work in my life and that I want to serve Him, but my heart hasn't gotten the message. I'm worried that the beating muscle that gives me life has actually become a lifeless blob in a coat of steel armor.

That's why I'm craving cooler weather. God always refreshes my soul when the air turns crisp. Leaves dry up and fall covering the ground preparing for winter and ultimate new life in the spring. Fall is time for a fresh beginning. The start of a new chapter. A reinvention and rejuvenation of my soul. A time to turn over a new leaf.

So that is my prayer this fall. That God would awaken my soul. Awaken my passions. Bring back humility and childlike awe. Scrape back the dragon scales and reveal a truly tender heart again. God knows, I'm ready.

Current Chronicles

Life has been filled to the brim lately and here are a few snip-its of what's been happening

Bébé has been kicking like a crazy person! It's so much fun. Last week one of the kicks was so hard you could see my belly jolt. It completely startled me. Then I spent the next 10 mins staring at and poking my abdomen to get the little one to do it again to no avail. Also, i've noticed a quasi unsettling pattern of Bébé really cranking up the kicks right when I lay down to bed. I'm hoping that habit will end post womb...but i'm not counting on it.

My brother in law turned 25. I made him a strawberries and cream pie since Cynthia (my sister) was on night shift at the hospital. While singing happy birthday and carrying the pie to JP for him to blow out the candles, Josh hit his head on the pull up bar that was hanging in the door way and the pull up bar dropped in the pie. I'm amazed the pie didn't end up on the ground. For the record, I would have eaten it off the ground Joey, Rachel and Chandler style if it did. 

I took Willow on a walk at the park and kept hearing a funny squeaking noise that I thought must be my shoe. When I stopped walking I realized the noise was Willow tooting every time she took a step. I didn't even think dog farts were possible. I died laughing.

Today at the supermarket 3 things happend.

1. The guy behind me in line purchased an entire cart full...I mean to the brim full...of mountain dew.
2. I realized I forgot my wallet in the car after I had unloaded all my stuff on the conveyer belt.
3. Upon coming back in the store with my wallet, I unzipped the money section and was waiting to pay....and forgot the wallet was open when I went to brush my hair out of my face and dumped  $10 worth of coins all over the supermarket floor....fail...

I've been working nearly every waking moment the past 3 days on adding items to my store. Measuring. Writing descriptions. Photographing. Photo editing, etc. etc. Here are a few of the new items and there should be 50 more new items by the end of next week. Here's a sample of a few items.

 1960s Drop Waist Fall Dress

1960s Sleeveless Blue/Grey Button Down Dress

It's a bit embarrassing, but for the first time I have a fantasy football team...and I check it regularly.

I stood in Bed Bath and Beyond for 15 minutes shamelessly smelling candles. I'm OBSESSED with fall scents....spiced pumpkin, pumpkin pie, autumn harvest, apple cinnamon. I die! However, $25 bucks for one candle? Maybe when I win the lottery I'll be able to afford you Woodwick. I then proceeded to use a 20% off coupon on $3 hair spray. Score.

I have a bit of a bump now, but not so big that random strangers should comment on it...or so I thought. Asian bankteller lady was the first to dive into the dangerous waters of asking a women she does not know how many weeks along she is. I was completely caught off guard, since she is the was the first person I don't know to ask me that question out of the blue. I guess a big belly is inevitable when you are carrying the child of a 6' 5" man.

Today

Today is the last day in August. Today is a blue moon. Time...slow down, please.

This month flew by just as quickly as the last, but I'm satisfied.  I'm sitting here with a hazy cloud cover outside, a snuggly puppy by my hip, peach cobbler in the oven, dishes done, iced coffee in hand and Bon Iver on Spotify. I feel as if i'm finally finding my stay at home rhythm.

Willow-pup and I are getting used to an early morning walk to work out our sleepy kinks and move at least 30 mins each day. Often this is followed by time reading scripture which has been water to my soul. I found myself craving time away from a screen and Josh and I are trying a no TV week this week, which has resulted in some great discoveries, creativity, and much productivity. Dinners are still sporadic around here, but I managed to keep us home at least 2 times a week with a home cooked meal.  Bébé has been moving like a crazy gold fish and it's been easy to slow down when that happens and connect with little sweet at least once a day.

And I can honestly say, my heart is more joyful than it has been in months...maybe years.

It may seem like an obvious thing to some people, but I'm learning that I'm in control of my emotions. I'm the one who determines if a particular situation or stress will spiral me into the abyss or lift me to a place of calm and trusting in God.

I'd say my August goals were a success and at 21 weeks pregnant (tomorrow) I'm feeling thankful that I still have half my pregnancy to experience with fresh vision and excitement.

Tonight we dine with good friends. Tomorrow we celebrate the start of football season with early morning Irish Cream french toast and the Notre Dame game at 8 am. Tomorrow night we dine with more friends. Sunday and Monday we relish down time.

August iPhone Photo Features

 ROW 1. puppy profile, bébé profile, sock bun and red lipstick

ROW 2. Maddie, My loves, homemade iced coffee

ROW 3. peach cobbler, new hair cut, new entry way

ROW 4. anna + sand box, new nursery rocking chair, fancy willow