Avoidance

I've been avoiding my blog. There are a lot of reasons why...but the main reason is that there are quite a few things things going on that I don't feel like sharing with the world. I've tried to be honest in my blogs and share what truly is on my heart and what is happening in my life in the past but sometimes after being vulnerable and posting I felt awkward about it 2 mins later and then removed the post, hopefully before anyone saw it. However, this blog has a way of forcing me to sort through my thoughts, and those tough issues that I would otherwise try and pretend didn't exist if left unwritten. This sorting turns into a raw, ugly mess of confusion, adjustment and searching more times than not, but in a strange way - it helps.

That fear of being out on a limb and vulnerable with my thoughts and emotions to the world is the big thing holding me back....that combined with a disappointing bout of dry creativity is what is causing complete avoidance.

I don't think it's a bad thing. I think I'm learning more and more how to sort through things by just thinking about them rather than writing them for all to see. Sharing with the world isn't always the route we are supposed to take. I actually think God is jealous of how much i share with the world before I bring it to him....I think He is wanting me to do some personal journaling in this time and sort things out just the two of us right now...

I don't want to feel the weight of having to be really in depth, super creative, and bearing my soul to the world every time I write on here....After my last blog I actually stayed up way too late sorting though what my next blog should be about. I mean there is SO much going on that I could have posted about a myriad of things, but at the same time I really wanted to be inspired in the position I took. I wanted to be filled with some brilliant analogy, or story that would illustrate the lesson the Lord was teaching me. I got so stressed about it that I actually I wound up crying about it because I was coming up drained of anything unique. I guess that was a bad case of writers block. After that I went into full on pretend-like-i-never-started-a-blog-in-the-first-place mode.

With that said...i've decided to take a lighter approach to my blog for a bit. Heck - maybe I will just want to randomly write about a new recipe I've tried or maybe I will feel the urge to write a fictional story or post a couple pictures about what Josh and I have been up to. Maybe I will post the lyrics to a song that's touching me right now. Maybe I will write a random quote or thought or link to a fun piece of art i found on ETSY.com (have you SEEN this site!? It's awesome.) Or maybe I will feel it's time to share with my avid followers (read: mom and 2 other people who often comment on my blog) what is stirring in the deepest part of my heart...then again maybe not.

Either way - just know that i'm still searching for truth, praying for wisdom, and trying to live from an undivided heart-with all of my heart - for the one who has delivered me from the grave. Praise you Lord. Psalms 86:11-13