Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being Felix's mom. And if that means I need to deal with sleepless nights, I can handle it because he really is such a joy to be around from the hours of 7 AM - 8 PM. Super happy. Easily entertained for the most part. Smart. Smiley and Sweet Sweet Sweet. I know I am SUPER Blessed. I have a list of things I'm thankful for that I keep on an app on my phone and I'm pretty sure Felix is on there in some fashion or another every day. But this no sleeping thing is making me depressed.
I cried last night before bed. Thinking about the fact that I was going to have to wake up in an hour or less and every minute that ticked by when I wasn't snoozing caused further anxiety. I cried this afternoon when it took 40 minutes to get the rambunctious little dude down for a 30 minute nap. I cried into my pillow when Josh came home for lunch - hoping for some miracle of miracles and a break from the madness. Which worked - he took the kid for a walk and I just spaced out. Looked at pinterest in peace. Played a bit of words with friends. Peed by myself...you know...the things people without young kids do.
And honestly. That 20 minute break of no responsibilities was amazing. Got me through the afternoon. I was a bit of a super mom after lunch. We played out side in the grass and took some pictures. We banged a few metal bowls with spoons and made a ruckus. Played a few rounds of peekaboo and did some side nursing snuggles with lots of smiles back and forth with my sweet baldy boy.
And tonight Josh took me to Whole Foods (happy place) and the Bottle Shop (happy place) and then he headed out to a guys night and I spent an hour chit chatting with my sister at her house, eating chocolate and drinking wine while Felix played on the floor. Now I'm home. It's 9:00 and Felix is down for his first stretch of sleep. (please God let it be more than 2 hours) and I'm in my PJs with the remaining bottle of wine beside me and plans to catch up on some blog reading. A fairly mundane night, but the bit of free time this afternoon and right now has refreshed my bones.
Cheers and fingers crossed for a decent night's rest.
I wish I had solutions.
ReplyDeleteI've been through crazy roller-coaster ups and downs with my girls and their sleeping habits; and there is just no way to describe with words the feelings of helplessness and depression that accompany not sleeping--especially when you're not sleeping to tend to the needs (and non-needs) of another human being.
All I can say is that I empathize (and some night am empathizing still!) and that I will be thinking of you and praying for you each night I see every hour on the hour too.
Thanks Sarah. It's still crazy, but i'm holding out hope we will get the kid to sleep longer than 2 hrs at a time eventually! It's just crazy...words cannot describe the eye burning exhaustion.
DeleteI'm sorry hon... I know this has got to be sooo rough right now. But the good things is that it will pass... it won't last forever... one day at a time, or one hour at a time... soo glad you were able to get a refresher this afternoon for a bit... will be praying.... :)
ReplyDeletethanks! Still struggling with nights. Napping like a champ right now. :)
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