Raw

Today my heart is raw. I've been crying off and on for days now and Felix has decided to completely revolt against sleeping. Up literally every hour or more. Yesterday my body and mind shut down. I couldn't take it anymore. The pain from recent events, exhaustion and other life demands took it's final blow and then shoved me into a 2 hour nap that couldn't have come at a better time.

I'm still processing through all that is happening along with my family, but at this point it feels like my heart - the muscle that drives my emotions - has been pulverized all that it can take and is ready for some healing. I know it will be a slow process and I still have quite a bit of grieving - along with all it's glorious stages - to go through and honestly the place I want to go right now is distraction.

I want to dive into books, blogs, movies, TV Shows, mothering, projects, relationships etc. but the truth of the matter is, that what I really need is some soap, water, and thick ointment slathered all over these open wounds.

I need time to march on to give me space to process. I need the sand paper that's been grating against me to ease up a bit and allow me to get used to the new roughed up shape. I need to sorting through my questions, my anger, my attitude  and my theology.  I need to figure out how to let Jesus in for healing. And try to reconcile what His role was/is in this tragedy.

And in the midst of all of this, 6 month dr. appointments will be made. Obligations will be met. I'll lead worship. coffee will be consumed. walks will be taken. poopy diapers changed. hands held. Babies soothed. dinners cooked. and sisters hugged. But I'm holding onto the truth that God will press in. He is close to the broken hearted, you know.