WLWL: When the Going Gets Tough

Being a worship leader is hard sometimes. I know I am called to it. I know I am skilled in it. I know the Lord has and will continue to use me in the the place of musical worship for the rest of my life. Even if it's just in small groups or for my mediate family. Singing praises to God is ingrained in the deepest part of my soul. 

But every now and then this place of leadership in congregational worship is hard. So hard it makes me question if I should just give it a rest for a season. Let someone else take over for a while. Throw in the towel and see what it's like to saunter in 10 minutes late to service, Starbucks in hand, well rested, and grab a seat in the last row. Maybe even leaving on my sunglasses.

The reason behind these passing desires nine times out of ten can be summed up in one word. Insecurity.

I start to second guess the identity that I am a daughter of the King. I second guess that I'm called. That I'm any good. I begin to feel inadequate and unskilled. And being in Music City I can easily conjure up excuses in my head that there are others out there who are better.

It gets pretty dark from there. 

Well a few weeks ago I started down one of these paths in my head and I was moments from calling up my pastor and telling him I was going to step down for a season (blame it on motherhood busyness). I actually told God - "Why is this so hard right now? You need to encourage me! Where are you?" 

Then I grabbed my phone and lo and behold...a text message from my pastor. Essentially it said that he was preaching on being a people that say "yes" to God. And I immediately knew it was the Lord telling me - you aren't going to quit. And even though this isn't the back stroking encouragement you wanted right now...you need to know that I am calling you to this and you need to say yes.

It felt like a direct order from the Lord on high. It was bizarre. I was actually a little peeved, because I didn't want an order...i wanted someone to tell me how awesome of a worship leader how God used me to change their life, etc, etc. 

But the message was received.

So I continue to press on. Even when I am exhausted. Even when I struggle to find time and energy to create a set. When my fingers are too sore to play through the ministry time songs. When rehearsals fall apart and leave me on the verge of tears. When the devil tries to lie his way into crushing my call.

And in pushing through I find Jesus closer than before. Speaking encouragement. I'm only at the beginning of journey. He is just getting started with how he will uses me in the ways of musical worship. And I'm so glad that even in my weakness he pursues and calls after my heart once again.

I Will Not Be Shaken

The windows rattled and the wind howled as lightening lit up and sky and flashed though wooden slats of the nursery blinds. The strobe light effect and a hot muggy house kept Felix restless during his usually peaceful nighttime routine

I nursed my wiggly little boy and his sweaty skin stuck to my arm and eyes struggled to find sleep in the midst of the storm. He could sense my tension. He could feel my body stiffen every time the windows shook and his hand wandered up to my cheek pulling my gaze back down to his wide open eyes instead of trying to sneak a peak at the weather alerts on my phone or out the window at the swirling trees.

He was worried because I was worried. I did my best to relax. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the back of the rocker. A deep breath in and I began to sing a tried and true lullaby over him.

Down in the valley; the valley so low
hang your head over; hear the wind blow

He calmed and his eyes closed. I felt his breathing slow to a steady and slow rhythm and I let my mind wander gently stoking the back of his hand and letting my fingers dance around his still bald head, cheek and ear. He calmed as I calmed. He mimicked me. He followed my lead. In the eye of the storm his heart posture was reflecting mine. As his mother, care taker, the one he trusts most - if she is OK, I'm OK.

I thought about how nice that must be. How nice it would be to have someone leading you. Someone from whom you could take cues and be put at ease because they have it under control. You have that in loving parents as a child, but children grow up. Move away. Have lives of their own. And along with those lives comes decisions, questions, adversity, storms. It's hard.

The past few days I have had this heavy feeling looming over me. I can't shake it. I feel hopeless, useless, worthless and bored. It's taken a toll on my family and altered the peaceful home we usually have. I hate it. Sometimes I can see the bad mood from a distance drift like a dark storm cloud looming and other times it hits so quickly no one has the chance to prepare. The wreckage of a blow-out fight leaving days of me picking through wreckage.

And in the pit of this self-loathing and lashing out I was reminded of a verse I recently read that spoke to my heart and I read it again.

Psalm 16:5-11 

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
 

you make my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    

surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    

even at night my heart instructs me. 

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    

With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
    

my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
    

nor will you let your faithful one see decay.

You make known to me the path of life;
    

you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I DO have someone leading me. Someone who I can rest in. I can grab his face and pull his eye to mine and listen to his lullaby over me. His singing over me. I will find Joy and a path of life in his presence!

Jesus.

It is always him. He is the ONLY thing I can boast in. He is my leader. My Peace. My lover. My friend. My comfort. My redeemer. My Everything.

Restoration

Columbus was cold. We visited last weekend and stayed in the guest room at Rebecca and Teddy's house. Falling asleep to the flickering light of big white candles in large vases and the noises on the street below. They live in an area of town named Franklinton. Similar name to our cozy and quaint hometown in Franklin, TN but it couldn't be more different.

Franklinton is an area wrecked by drug use, prostitution, violence and poverty. Most middle class Americans would avoid living in such an area. But for Becca and Teddy, daily living and challenging the status quo to positive change is part of their calling. I know they might not say those exact words, but  their peaceful approach to community and spreading the gospel played out in small acts of love is changing the community from within. Watching the neighbors children. Offering a cup of tea to people needing warmth. A strong yet loving word to those in need of truth. It's amazing to watch unfold and see their humility and practical approach to all of it.

Within 24 hours of being in Franklinton I was propositioned as a prostitute and our car was broken into resulting in my purse being stolen. It was unsettling.

I was walking from Emily's to Becca's house with Felix on my hip and a man rolled down his window and asked if I needed a ride. I felt incredibly uneasy about him even stopping, but naively, I also thought "what a nice guy." I turned him down because I only had a block to go. As he drove away, I noticed his gas tank was open and almost chased him down to tell him, but he was gone before I had the chance. When I retold the story to Rebecca, her face dropped and she began apologizing.

"I'm so sorry, Katie. He thought you were a prostitute. Asking for a ride, asking if your going to work, or just stopping and rolling down the window is code for that in this part of town. Thirty percent of all prostitution arrests in columbus take place two blocks from here. I'm so sorry."

The next morning Josh and I woke early to go grab some coffee before breakfast. When we arrived at our car and as we approached the car I noticed that Felix's car seat had been tossed over the center console. When we opened the doors our trunk had been accessed by the back seat and everything in the car was scattered in disarray. And my purse was missing.

We spent the morning canceling credit cards and talking about what was missing.There wasn't much of value that was taken except for my new purse. I spent all my christmas money to buy it from Banana Republic. Shallow, i know, but I cried. I cried for my silly little purse that was taken. I cried for the inconvenience of it all. I cried thinking about someone rummaging through Felix's diaper bag and touching all the stuff in our car. I cried because it made me feel helpless. I cried because I felt violated. I felt abandoned and unprotected.

I know there are people, including some who are incredibly close to me, who have been through much, MUCH worse and this gave me a minuscule glimpse at the injustice of it all. I prayed that the purse would be found. I prayed that the Lord would meet the person who felt so desperate to tear through a middle-class car looking for anything of value. And I prayed for redemption of the situation. For a follow through on his promise of working all things together for my good.

About 6 hours later Josh got a phone call. A man found my purse by his truck and got our phone number off of a checkbook. Celebration ensued! Josh, Rebecca and Teddy went together to pick up the purse. Just a two block walk away my purse was found in tact and everything was still there except for a target giftcard, my iPhone charger, a box of golden grahams, and loose change.

I was sweeping in a quiet house while they were gone. Giving thanks for the Lord for what was lost being found and I was hit out of the blue with His voice speaking to my heart. "It's March 1st. This is the start of a new month and it's the beginning of restoration."

I cried. I cried tears of joy because so much as been stolen. So much as been taken from my family in recent months. We have felt abandoned by God. We have felt attacked - metaphorically and literally - without defense.  And seeing his Hand move in even the stolen purse situation has softened my heart towards him again. He is good. He does have a plan. He will pull all the pieces of this messed up world together and write a beautiful story. He will restore.

Back to Three

This afternoon Felix and I ran errands in the rain. He was particularly cranky and needy. Wanted me to hold him during our entire Target visit and really panicked when I put him back in his car seat to run to the grocery for a couple of things I needed for dinner. I think he has two top teeth coming in and just wanted me to hold him so he could bite my sweater and feel close to comfort. But, we made it through our errands and I juggled him and 4 bags of groceries into the house. I nursed him and snuggled him a bit and then I put on some fun music and distracted him with boxes of surprise toys (read: random things from around the house) to discover. Balancing him on my hip off and on while making dinner.

I browned some quality organic beef we got from Whole Foods, added rosemary, sage, garlic, and a chopped onion then a jar of marinara sauce to simmer. Diced a tomato and sliced some romaine lettuce with a sprinkle of feta cheese on top and lightly tossed in Italian dressing. When Josh said he was on his way home from work I turned on the already filled pot of water to boil and a few minutes later added spaghetti. A spanish red was opened when Josh came in the house and he sliced, oiled, peppered and salted to perfection a baguette.

Our little family of three gathered around our table in our rickety falling apart chairs and feasted. It was Felix's first time eating spaghetti and he really seemed to love it (in spite of him gagging on some of the longer noodles that I missed cutting). I even gave him some berries with whipped cream for dessert. What a special treat for my little guy.

Last week Emily and Gabriel moved out. While we really miss having them around for company and a helping hand with Felix, getting back to just our little family in our regular rhythm of life has been refreshing. Plus, I know they have moved on to greener pastures in their own place to set up a home for their upcoming babe. (Due in March!!)

Before Felix went to bed the Josh and I laid on the floor in the living room and Felix ran around us showing us toys, throwing himself on us, we would grab him and tickle him till he couldn't handle it anymore and then he would sit up breathless and throw himself back at us for more.

It has been a long time since I've been able to say this and really mean it, but even on bad days, when it rains, and I'm sleepy and the house is a disaster, I truly feel so much of God's goodness. So much of His blessing. So much of His favor. So much of his closeness and daily weaving in and out of my life. And I am content and more than that, overflowing with Joy. Praise Him.

WLWL: When Things Don't Go As Planned

A few weeks ago the perfect storm happened.

The week leading up to that Sunday I was on a little family vacation to the beach. I had mentally prepared the set and just needed to throw it into WorshipTeam.com adjust the keys and notify the team. Late afternoon on Thursday I sent it out. Friday I heard from my pastor that there was a last minute addition of communion and kids blessing (for the start of the school year) and my pastor wanted to do an "up" song after the blessing right before his message. So after getting home from my trip on Saturday, the night before the service I was rearranging the set, adding in new songs and changing up a couple of the keys. Apologizing profusely to the team sending out a totally new set at 8:30 PM the night before. (I try to rarely spring things like this on them)

The morning I was leading worship Josh and I followed our usual routine of Felix night nursing up till about 7:00AM. Then I nurse him right before I leave for rehearsal, however this week, I didn't feed Felix before I left for church. I was running late. I needed to print charts and I was already rethinking the new set...4 songs or 5?

Rehearsal was a bit bumpy, and that was to be expected. We landed on a 4 song set (which I flow better with anyway) and completely cutting the "up" song after the blessing. People trickled in around 10 and we started a bit late around 10:05. I really felt the presence strongly. I knew God was stirring something in my heart and in the heart of the congregation as we lingered in sweet moments of faith and praise.

Normally I find a nice cord progression to float through and sing prayers over the congregation in these open moments. Except that morning my fingers kept sticking. Didn't want to move and change cords and even in spite of my limited guitar skills The Spirit continued to move sweetly.

After worship Josh and I decided since Felix was in a good mood we should put him in the Nursery for the first time. The message was good but towards the end I started feeling antsy. it was 11:30 and I knew Felix hadn't nursed since 7:30. I knew he would be hungry. Then I heard it. The shrill panicky cry of my son coming from the nursery. He was hungry and angry.

I darted out the back door of the sanctuary knowing I had a very limited time before I needed to lead worship for communion. Wailing with big tears running down his face I grabbed Felix and headed to the nursing room. There was a dad with his daughter in there and Felix was in such a state that I really needed alone time with my little man. I ran to the bathroom, leaned against the wall and pulled my son to my breast.

Just as he started nursing I heard the music start up in the sanctuary. I needed to be on stage that very moment. In an instant I evaluated my options. Let my son cry or head in to lead songs during communion. I stayed. Knowing the team could handle a few moments with out me.  2-3 more minutes Felix calmed down and pulled off with a big smile on his face. Super stressed I left the restroom and handed my Felix to Josh.

I scrambled up the side of the stage grabbed my guitar and quietly flowed into the song that the team was playing. During the song I couldn't focus. I kept wanting to cry thinking about my son who was cut short on his nursing session. Even though I knew he was happy, I felt like a bad mom. I felt like a bad leader. I felt like half of my heart was in each place. Ultimately I found a good time in between songs to scoot over to Kitty and tell her I needed to go care for Felix. The ministry time was winding down and my family had to come first in the moment.

Lessons learned. The team can indeed function without me, but having a backup plan with the co-leader would be a good idea. 9 times out of 10 people won't notice my mistakes. My missed timing, my botched chords and my need to  step out every now and then to care for my son, God is so much bigger than that. And even when it felt like a perfect storm and a failure, that Sunday more people told me they felt encouraged by worship than the last 4 times I led combined. And that's what it's all about. People connecting to the heart of the Father and feeling the Father's love in worship.

Also, ALWAYS feed Felix during the sermon right after worship when I'm the leader, better safe than sorry.

WLWL: Take Heart

Worship Leading While Lactating (WLWL): A series about my experiences as a mom and a worship leader.

The past few days have been heavy. Full of burdens for those I care most about. Full of more things falling apart in our condo. More financial strain. More sleep deprivation. More snipping at the people around me. More stress and worry.

Which then led to one entire day of ridiculous consuming.

I ate. I watched. I read. I played silly games on my phone. I laid on the couch like a blob completely spaced out looking at Pinterest. I did absolutely nothing productive at all.

And I felt like crap about it. I bemoaned my full belly laying in bed that night, telling Josh I felt sloshy. (you know the feeling) Struggling to fall asleep in such a engorged state and then right when I started to drift, Felix woke up.

Well the next day wasn't much better. Some bad news from the auto repair shop (like twenty-five-hundred dollars worth of bad news) left Josh and I reeling a bit on what to do next. We chatted on the phone very nonchalantly about the issue and said we would both think for an hour and call one another with what we think we should do.

I went about my day. I played with my baby on the floor. I ran to the post office. I sat in traffic and through it all I prayed. I asked God how, and why, and what questions with little response. I fed Felix peaches and banana for lunch. A big heaping bowl, because the peaches were going to go bad on account of the broken fridge.

He was sweetly taking bites and squirming about like little 6 month old boys do. Trying to see anything and everything that is behind him and avoiding looking forward at all costs, but still opening his baby bird mouth for bites at his leisure. I was in no hurry. I spaced out and started starring out the window. "What is going on, Lord?" I asked again for the umpteenth time. "Where are you in this? What do you want us to do?" 

And without thinking about it, I started singing. I started singing through songs of his strength. Songs of His faithfulness. Songs of His Lordship. Songs of Him reigning over all things. Songs of His goodness. And 15 minutes later I had pretty much compiled the entire set list for worship this Sunday all while Felix finished his little green bowl of lunch.

I felt a great amount of peace and I felt God's sovereignty over my life. Sometimes the worship set comes that easy. Often times it comes easy when my heart is fertile. It comes easy when I'm in a posture that is ready for seeds to be sown. Ready for water to be poured. Ready for the winter to be over and spring to come. So I'm leaning into the one thing that has come easy this week, building the set over mushed peaches.

Radical

In every persons walk with the Lord there are milestones. Big events that you cling to and use as a reminder of God's goodness and faithfulness. The day you decided to follow Jesus and the day you declared that decision to the world through testimony and baptism are two of the big ones, for sure. But for a lot of people who grew up in the church those aren't the touchstone moments. Those aren't the vivid memories that stick with them forever.  Church camp and conference highs, fabulous worship services and an anointed sermon oftentimes make the list of intense emotional experiences that will carry you through for a while, but often times it seems it's the smaller moments of life that stick.

It's the small moments that are brought back around as a reminder of God's constant presence in our life. A worship song that seems sung directly to your heart. An encouraging text from a friend at just the right time. A flop open of your Bible to lay eyes on the exact promise you needed to cling to. A prophetic word that seems as if the person was reading your mail. A feather under your car windshield or on your keyboard at work reminding you He is near. Hearing the Lord's voice while scrubbing dishes at the sink or vacuuming your living room floor.

These things stop us in our tracks and stick with us for years to come.

This past Sunday Josh and I were surrounded by family and friends and we dedicated Felix to the Lord. I know he won't remember the moment and I know it wasn't a wild and passionate encounter with the the Holy Spirit. But it was a radical moment.

I don't know if you know this or not, but radical means of or going to the root or origin. Fundamental. Forming a base or a foundation.

It also means drastic or extreme.

That morning we laid a foundation in the history of our family of three. We gathered round with hands laid and outstretched and words of life spoken over our little boy. Nothing dramatic. Nothing hyper emotional or crazy happened, but August 4th, 2013 is an important date in my book. A radical moment in Michael family history. As mother and father we are trusting the Lord to protect, nurture, draw near to, bless, move through, speak to, hold, cover, and love our first born son.

A radical moment indeed.

WLWL - Sleep & Strength

Worship Leading While Lactating - A series about my experiences as a mom and worship leader. 

This past week was one of those weeks. Felix was sleeping worse than ever. Up every hour or more. Not napping. and very needy when he was awake. Demanding attention and movement and constant activity. Saturday afternoon rolled around and I nursed Felix down for a nap as I left the house around 3:45 PM for rehearsal.

I knew leading this weekend would be hard. Little else other than my sisters, parents and my own exhaustion had been on my mind that week. How can I help my family? How can I get Felix to sleep. What is going on in all this chaos of life. How is God moving. I was struggling with being angry at God. I was feeling like my prayers were going unheard. My heart was broken in the midst of this crisis and my emotions were all over the map. I didn't know how much I would have to offer the church body as a leader.

Rehearsal Saturday night flew by and we were done 30 minutes early. We normally don't rehearse ministry time songs, but I decided to play through them since I had the time. Something happened. As usual with God when He comes it's powerful and usually catches me off guard a little.  I was simply running through the song "Promises of Wonder" and in the midst of distractedly playing the line "In the darkest night, when death closes in, all your promises are yes and amen." squeezed at my heart out at me.

How can this be true? My mind raced. I've seen the darkest night and I don't believe you. I don't trust you right now, God! I continued to sing "To the fatherless, your love rushes in. All your promises are yes and  amen." Struggling through the bridge knowing in my head the words are truth, but my heart hadn't made the connection yet.

I repeated the words over and over, trying to will the truth to sink in. and then it happened. I felt the Lord draw near. I felt Him standing right by me. I didn't need to have the answers. I didn't need to straighten out my emotions and be a "happy little worship leader." I just needed him near. And believe it or not, with his presence so close. So comforting, I began to see how even in this dark season of the soul among my questions and confusion  God is there, working. He indeed does have good promises and good plans for my life and HE IS GOOD. And a peace and energy washed over me as I sang. Whether I fully understood it or not, I allowed myself to cling to his loving kindness in the midst of pain and out of the bowels of my soul a light began to shine again. Hope and restoration of my faith.

Tears ran down my face as I sang the bridge again to an empty sanctuary and finished the song with the lines "Always, and only, the mark of Your love will be my glory."

A supernatural energy came into my body and the set that evening and the next morning (after another night of little sleep) was sweet. A time of intimacy with God and in his presence. We lingered and loved on God and felt him close. For once in weeks I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel tired. I didn't feel confusion and doubt.  He strengthened my heart and built up my faith and allowed me to lead out of my own complete weakness.

Tasting the Wind

The ball park was hot and muggy even for a night game in the 4th inning. Felix was a dream smiling at strangers seated behind us, wearing a cute light blue Orioles baseball cap and soaking in his first baseball game with his intent blue eyes. But the heat started to get to him, or mostly get to me and I decided to take him for a walk.

We went out to the concession area and felt instant relief as the tunnel near the harbor in Baltimore created a breezeway of sorts. After a short walk I decided to just stand off to the side away from the commotion of the game to see if I could sway the little man down for a nap.  We stood by an outlook over a green tree lined patio and let the wind rush around us.

The breeze was so strong my hair whipped around my face and the rustle in the trees created a wave like effect. Felix closed his eyes but kept his face up - taking the wind intentionally on his face. One little hand gripping my shirt and the other reaching upwards toward the strands of hair blowing about.

With little success at catching a tendril of my locks he surrendered and just let the wind blow through his clammy fingers. Hand stretched upward toward the sky. I watched as his eyes searched for the source of the sensation, glancing back and forth between me and his hand with a quizzical look. Air rushing around us.

Very methodically he reached his hand out then drew it to his mouth. Over and over. trying to taste the wind. Trying to find out if it was real or not. Was he in a dream? Did this feeling in fact exist? With a shy smile and sleepy eyes Felix surrendered to the mystery of the wind. Burying his head in my chest and yawning.

It's hard to not draw parallels between this simple act of a child and wind and an encounter with Holy Spirit. The spirit is so real. You can see his effects on the world around you. Sometimes you can hear him. Sometimes you can smell him. Sometimes you can even taste him and you can most definitely feel him. But no matter how hard you try to comprehend, the Spirit will remain a mystery.

God, instill in me a childlike encounter with the Holy Spirit. Reaching for you expecting to Taste, Touch, Smell, See, & Feel.

Our Provider

One year. It has been one year since I worked from a desk in an office full time. God provided a beautiful exit for me from the standard 9-5 job where I was increasingly unhappy and then blessed us with our little bébé and cleared a path for me to be a stay at home mom. The disappearance of some of our regular income, the addition of a another mouth to feed (or more accurately a bottom to diaper) and a few dramatic car repairs in recent weeks have left us in a weird situation financially. And by weird I mean broke.

I'm not overly involved in our finances, but I know the belt is going to need to tighten for a bit due to these changes. I had a moment this afternoon where panic started to take over. I felt this crippling feeling and a worried plea-prayer escaped my heart "oh my God, what are we going to do? Are we going to be OK?" 

Then I realized I needed to actually pray. Rather than let worry and fear be the atmosphere of my heart, I sat before the throne and let His peace wash over me. I let the Lord assure me that He was Jehova Jireh and all would be well. And I pressed into his presence and spoke out loud the promises of the Bible. 

God you are good. 

God you will provide. 

Jesus you will work this situation into something beautiful. 

With tears in my eyes and trust in my heart I felt a certainty. A certainty that the blessings he has already poured on us in 2013 (which include a beautiful baby boy!) will only increase from here. It is going to be more than OK. It's going to be great.

Speaking of beautiful baby boys...look at this kid! I die!

Timing

God's timing is awesome. The post a few weeks ago where I divulge my reasons for avoiding blogging and some upcoming exciting news was a scheduled blog. I wrote it on a Wednesday and set it to post on a Friday morning at 10:37 am. That same Friday morning around 8:45 am I received a meeting request from my boss for a 4:00 pm meeting.

Anyone in the professional world knows that a meeting at 4:00 on a Friday is rarely good news and this particular meeting was no different. I was laid off from my job.

Most people we panic about such dramatic life changes and I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a bit dizzy for a few hours after such a tense day/meeting. However, once my head cleared and I was able to hug Josh and talk to my mom, i realized this was just the push I needed to really pursue the creative side of Katherine that I had been bottling-up for a rainy day that never came.

Voyage Creatives (as I introduced to you here) was already in motion and had been since early 2012 when God helped me dream. Being released from my season in a cubicle has allowed me to fully pour myself into these new ventures and I'm loving it! Not to mention, this new set up should allow me more time to get back into blogging - so we all have that to look forward to! Here are a few items from my store - I would love it if you went on over and checked it out. :)

Blue Parka with Faux Fur

 Missoni Style Southwest Kit Short Sleeved Sweater

Yellow Spanish Flavor Embroidered Dress

Owl Salt and Pepper Shakers

Plaid Tan and Teal Men's Button Down

ALSO about 2 weeks before I heard my news Josh started interviewing for  new job. There was nothing horribly wrong with where he was working, but he was ready for the next step in his career and really wanted to work from an office closer to home. Well...God's timing again was hilarious and amazing...on my last day of work at IRON, Josh received an amazing job offer at a new company that came complete with closer location and a nice promotion!

I know I keep saying this, but I can't help myself - God is so good! I want to shout it from the rooftops! All of these shifts have made our home, relationships, health, attitudes and even income - though for now it's much smaller for me ;) - covered in blessing and favor. I feel so incredibly rich and I feel my soul stretching on a daily basis. Praise Him! Praise Him! Praise Him!

A Voyage

For weeks I had been letting God be the captain of my imagination. I was a close first mate and apprentice as he showed me how to dream again. I’m still learning what it looks like, but I know that every bit of it is bigger than I could have first devised. Creativity felt like it was oozing out of me in every quiet moment. I would cherish these times and at first I would ponder ways to capture the creativity and put it to good use. Eventually, that effort became futile because it was more fun to soak in the moment of inspiration and let it flow through me into words or ideas on a piece of paper than it was to try and tame something out of raw unbridled vision.

Something as simple as walking my dog out late at night and through the hazy city night sky allowing the lights above to capture my eye. Causing an ache for the moon to speak to me! Tell me stories of the things she has seen! Even better, put it into a song, Moon! Oh, bright and beautiful Moon!

From this creative awakening I wound up with a handful of small plans. Seedlings, if you will. These plans did not come about by force, but they came purely from dreaming. Plans that have so smoothly and naturally fallen into place that no one BUT the creator of the world himself could be the author of (more on that later) They are tiny seeds for now, but I know God has Oak or Redwood paths for them to grow into.

Voyage Creatives is the name.  A personal business comprised of:

• Vintage Resale on Etsy – Voyage Vintage
• Semi Pro Photography – Voyage Photos
• Graphic Design – Voyage Studios
• And of course, music and worship…

We will see what sticks. What adventure God breathes upon and which one makes my heart sing. Praise Him.

Presence

God's presence is the only thing that matters to me. He's always there, but I've been more aware of it in recent days.

I smelled him on Friday night while Josh lit up the grill for juicy burgers and ice cold beer with friends at our cozy little condo. Hot pink and orange sunset sky as our back drop.

I felt him smiling down on me while I cuddled with willow and hubs Saturday morning with sun streaming in our window and tasted Him in a perfectly cooked green pepper, onion and cheddar cheese omelet washed down with iced coffee.

I felt His love and provision in a diligent husband's turbo taxing for 5+ hours.

I hugged Him in my visiting little sister, if even for a brief passing-through visit on Saturday night.

I snuggled Him in my nephew Chris reading book after book before bed time, knowing that we were both heavy-lidded and ready to sleep, but loved the time so much that we re-read a christmas pop-up book 4 times in a row.

He strolled down a lamp lit main street on a late-night date with me and my lover. Pizza on a patio. precious pieces of our history woven together by moonlight and spontaneity.


He filled a Church building with the glory of His presence as we celebrated the VICTORY we have in the cross. Swells of thankful incense burning from the lips and hearts of the saints.

He is soaking my life right now and i'm overwhelmed. Let's your cloud rest and stay on my life, Holy Spirit. I'm in love.

Fat Tuesday and Some Thoughts on Lent

Happy Fat Tuesday people.

Are any of you giving up anything for Lent? I know lent is typically assumed a Catholic tradition, but in recent years more and more of my non-denominational or evangelical friends have been making sacrifices during this season. I've never really participated seriously in the past, but for some reason fasting during the season leading up to Easter when Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice seems like a good idea this year.

Last Thursday I was continuing through my Read-the-Bible-in-a-year-three-years plan and somehow it snuck up on me. There I was plowing my way though Luke reading about  Zacchaeus-the wee little man- Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey, Jesus getting all upset about the market in the Temple, Jesus teaching about the end times, yadda, yadda (is that sac-religious?) and before I knew it - BAM - I was swept into the Last Supper and Crucifixion story with a completely new perspective and a tender heart.

As I read, it felt entirely real and present, like I was there with Him, my feet covered in dust as I munched on bread, sipped wine, laughed and reclined at Jesus's breast in the upper room.

I was the one who Jesus invited to the Mount of Olives to pray, but fell asleep while danger for my beloved Lord lurked in the shadows.

I was the one who was so confident that I would stand by Jesus to the end, but  less than 24 hours later denied Him three times during His darkest hours. His eyes piercing mine on the 3rd denial.

I was in the crowd confused and overwhelmed as people shouted "Crucify! Crucify! Crucify!" Not quite sure how things took such a dramatic turn from the warm "Hosannas!" that filled the streets a week before.

And I wept and wept as I read how they hurled insults at Him, mocked Him, humiliated Him, and beat Him within an inch of His life as He hung naked, black-blue and blood soaked on the Cross.

I wept as I read that a few breaths away from death, He spoke mercy and love over his accusers. How His gentle heart showed grace and compassion for the criminal hanging next to him. How even as He stumbled to the place called "the skull," where he would be crucified he found a way to encourage the women weeping over His death.

And the lines on my Bible began to blur under the tears as I found myself literally gasping for breath and sobbing loudly at my dining room table. Overwhelmed by the price that my perfect, precious Jesus paid. Overwhelmed at how selfish and self-centered I am sometimes. And thankful beyond what prayers or useless words on a page can convey...

Willow stared at me, very concerned for her mama('s sanity). I glanced at the clock. Blew my nose from the runny snot-fest. Re-applied some mascara and some powder to my blotchy face. I needed to pull myself together. I was on my lunch break and had to go back to work and be somewhat presentable. How is that possible with the weight of the cross hanging on my shoulders?

Now, I know the story ends well. He doesn't stay on that tree forever, but I can't stop thinking about the sacrifice. All that Jesus did for me and I can't give up dessert/facebook/soda/TV/(Insert-distraction-here) for 40 days? I guess i've made my decision. I will be participating in Lent, it's just a matter of what small sacrifice can I make? I guess you all will find out tomorrow.

Yet still,

Here I am, beloved.
I brought you to this place and waited.
Waited for you to decide if it was I you truly seek.
Given you blessings beyond measure
I even made the sunset for you
yet still, i wait.

Here I am, beloved.
Opening windows for your dreams and listened.
listened for your song to come forth.
pressing my heart to yours hoping you will feel it's rhythm
and show the world my love
yet still, I'm listening, darling.

Here I am, beloved.
longing to show you my affection
Romance you with treasures from my kingdom
dance you to chambers of intimacy and throne room of majesty
and you deny all my adoration
yet still, i wait.

i see beauty where you see weakness.
i see diamonds where you see coal.
i see a faithful one longing for greatness.
i see my beloved, my heart, my soul.

Feathers

"You had to be there." 

A phrase we have all undoubtedly spoken at least once in our past when trying to convey an impactful experience we've had to someone else. Mid-story you begin to realize the other person isn't quite getting it, and words aren't sufficient to convey the memory held in your heart. Be it a time when something so hilariously funny happened you found stomach muscles you didn't know existed because you were laughing so hard. Or a beautiful snapshot in time where you were left awestruck at a majestic sunset, powerful soloist, a stunning painting. Or even a moment where the Lord took a normal day and completely rocked your world by showing you a new side of His love. It's utterly futile to try and explain these experiences to other people so you find yourself giving up and ending the conversation with "you had to be there."

Well, this has recently happened to me. Even though I know it won't make a lot of sense, i'm going to try and explain. The Lord likes to show me how much he loves me by giving me feathers. During a season of my life in Jan - May 2010 I began to have more and more of a realization of God's presence in my life. Not just a guy I go to from time to time to throw up pray requests to, but someone that I do life with every single day. Sharing my hopes, dreams, desires and even failures, disappointments, and frustrations with.

During this Jan - March season and even still to this day I find feathers everywhere in the most obscure places. On my desk at work, under my windshield wiper, on me ALL the time. Any time I need encouragement or comfort God just plops a few feather into my day and it makes me smile. One time I even looked down to realize I was standing in a big PILE of feathers on the ground! Now do you understand why it's one of those "you had to be there" stories?

One particular day i really needed encouragement and a reminder of the promises that God has for me and I opened my bible to the next chapter I was slated to read in my read-through-the-bible-in-one/three-years program and this is what I read: Psalms 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness with be your shield and rampart. I was SO encouraged!

Anyway, I tell you all of this because I wanted a constant reminder of God's presence and this special symbol of His love for me, so I got a tattoo!

I didn't make this decision lightly. since 2008 I have wanted a particular tattoo on my hand, but feel like i should wait till i'm at a work place (or working from home) that is OK with this. So, after thinking about my feather tattoo for over a year, getting Josh's complete support and feeling total peace/excitement about my decision i took the plunge. This is my first tattoo, and I really really love how it turned out.

If you are in Nashville, I went to Ian White at Black 13.  My experience there was first rate. the place was clean. they were very friendly and professional. AND  it turns out Ian is a believer from Dayton, OH and actually did a lot of my sister Cynthia's friends tattoos when he lived there.

Do any of you out there have tattoos? Do they have a special meaning to you?

A New Word

I'm learning a new word this week: content.

It's a difficult word to learn and it's forcing me to grow and confront some immaturity that has been seeping into my veins for the past year. I have a constant feeling that real peace and happiness are always just out of my reach. That the next step in my career, a baby, a move, a new house, car, tv, coffee, will make me feel better. It's the american dream at it's best and Katherine Michael at her worst.

This "grass-is-always-greener-syndrome" is poisoning my heart.

Why am I constantly looking for what is missing in my life? I know I have blessings beyond belief. I get to experience things others only DREAM of! I'm married to an amazing man. I've traveled to switzerland, france and mexico. I own my home. Never been unemployed. I have literally been saved from an eternity of condemnation. I am never truly hungry. I have money in a little jar beside my bed saving for a dream (not a need!). We have two running and paid-for cars. I get to use my talents for the Lord through worship. I have experienced God's love. My dog is {cute} and house trained. I have 2 guitars to waiting for songs to be written on them. I have a computer. Relationship with my mom and dad is solid. relationship with my sisters is awesome and growing.

But, somehow i find a way to complain. I'm constantly looking for ways to adjust my life and make it better. Loose weight. Cut my hair. Clean my house. Re-decorate. Upgrade everything. change. move. tweak. morph. switch. vary. transition. It's disgusting. It has actually gotten to the point where i'm doing most of these things subconsciously without rhyme or reason and i wind up more confused than ever.

I know i'm called to be content.  I also know, from the deepest parts of me, that Jesus inspires greatness! Not mediocrity! another "awesome" (read: confusing/frustrating) paradox of the Kingdom. I don't want to be mediocre. Inside me there is still an echo of my childhood dreams. Inside of me is still a box with all the promises God has given me. I'm only 26. I still want to do great things with my life.

Am I supposed to give up on great in quest for content?

Maybe my definition of greatness needs to be reworked.

Maybe my definition of content needs to be reworked.

God, i'm opening myself up to be reworked starting now.

p.s. i just went to dictionary.reference.com to look up content...i got an error message.
I tried again. I got a page that said "Content: no dictionary results" I guess God really wants me to go to Him this time.

Hospitality

One of my favorite things to do, and one of my spiritual gifts is hospitality. I absolutely adore inviting people into my home and making them feel comfortable and welcome. Hosting dinner parties is one of my top 10 favorite things to do. There something about preparing an elaborate meal for someone else that fills me with joy to the core of who I am and actually allows me to experience God through service, giving, community, and feasting. Thus, I invite people over ALL the time. Some may find it overwhelming and may feel the need to reciprocate or offer to bring something along, but honestly I would be 100% OK with always being the one who cooks the meal, hosts a movie night, lets people crash at my place, and in general just has an open door of welcome in my house.

This "gift" plus my desire to establish some meaningful friendships with women in Franklin is what started my Girls-Only wine night. At first it was just going to be some tasty bottles of wine plus cheese and crackers each week, but my incessant desire to do more and make people feel really welcome and actually feel blessed when they leave each week took over. And once a month I find myself googling "interesting hor'dourves" or "fancy finger food" to spice up the night. Some of the items I've made in the past include: Mushrooms stuffed with goat cheese, spinach and onions, Brie en Croute, and Quiche.

Tonight we had another GREAT wine-night and my labor of love popped out some tomato-mozzarella-balsamic bites, bacon wrapped water chestnuts, crusty bread dipped in olive oil, cherries and this...

Be still my heart.

Ok...so I didn't labor over the cheese. Or the cherries for that matter, but that's neither here, nor there.

The point is, this cheese was from a local fromagerie and was out. of. this. world. They pretty much have anything you could ever want when it comes to cheese. I think i might become a cheese snob just because of this store.

I've sent them an e-mail to ask if they had Reblochon cheese, which is the type of cheese they use in Tartiflette that we had in France on Day 4. According to Jo Jo, this cheese is impossible to get in the states. I'm convinced if anyone can get it, these people can. If I can get my hands on some you better believe I will be making tartiflette and blogging about.

2011

From the start of this blog in 2008, at the beginning of each year I like to reflect on the previous year and make grandiose resolutions for the forth coming year. So, for the sake of tradition, (and we all know how much i love tradition) and because I can think of nothing better to write at the start of a new year, I will continue on with the ritual. 


The year 2010 seems to be quite a blur in my mind. I feel cheesy saying it, but time really does begin to fly by the older you are. Days and weeks begin to mesh together and years are marked with the small joys and moments that outline the shape of your soul and story. Many surprises took place throughout the year  and I would say at least 1/2 of what ended up framing our year was completely unplanned on Jan. 1, 2010.

• We welcomed a new brother into the family when Andrea and Michael were married in February. 
• We took a week vacation in Myrtle Beach, SC with the Ewing clan in June thanks to my Aunt Debby for graciously opening up her home. During this trip we had our first family "circle" ate lots of good food, sunbathed, read several books, visited Aunt Cindy, payed putt-putt golf, learned how NOT to put an umbrella in the sand when it's windy, soaked up the world cup.
• We discovered my sister Cynthia (my older sister) was pregnant and moving to Nashville to start residency!
• We welcomed two new house guests, Cynthia and John-Paul, from June - October.
• I continued to play guitar, but lost momentum during the summer as our small group came to an end. 
• We harvested wine in Campbellsville, KY and seriously considered moving there.
• I participated in 3 weddings of dear friends. (Heather, Kristen, and Stephanie).
• We miraculously made our way to France to visit Nate, Jo, and Ayla before their move to Africa. Lots of wine drinking, food consuming, walking, shopping, biking, train riding and site seeing was had (read about it here, here, and here. More to come later).
• We joyously celebrated the coming of new life when my niece Annalee Grace was born on November 20th. 
• We fixed our sink, and then fixed it again, and just found out yesterday we may need to fix it AGAIN!
• I dramatically and courageously changed jobs from the non-profit sector marketing to country-folk to the for-profit sector marketing to country-folk. Good times.
• I turned 26 and josh surprised me with a fabulous party filled with friends, wine, pasta, and words of encouragement for the coming year. 
• We took two long weekend trips with the Michael family. One to Saint Louis where we watched baseball, played at the city museum, and found quite possibly the saddest fire works show ever by way of wandering around a parking lot like the Children of Israel. The other to Cincinnati, where IKEA was our worst enemy and an obscure German beer festival was our best friend.
• I started the monthly girls-only wine nights which have become an outlet of cooking creativity, friendship, and shared life. 

Whew...i think those were the highlights for me. Looking back on the goals I had for 2010 I can safely say i accomplished two of the five. They were:

• Finish reading the Bible in a (2) year(s) - Did get further in this process, but still have a ways to go...
• write one hand written letter a month - did this for about 3 months and lost momentum, however i did receive one of my favorite letters of all time from my lil sis Emily as a result of this initiative. 
• write one song a month - I wrote 2 songs all year...which equals out to approx. .1666667 per month...not nearly sufficient enough to call even a solid effort, but is more than I can say for my song writing in 2009.
• write two blogs a month (at minimum) - Blew this out of the water once my momentum started in July.
• incorporate the words magnificent, outstanding, and glorious into my vocabulary more often.  - I mean....you can't really measure this, but i'm pretty sure i remember saying these words more than usual...so...uh...CHECK!

So moving in to 2011 I really feel like this year is going to be marked with Growth and moving forward for me. I feel like 2010 felt a bit stagnate spiritually, relationally, financially, and even backwards health wise. I think God wants to partner with me to prosper and grow in all of these areas during 2011. In an e-newsletter i read this morning the writer, Dr. Ray Roberts said, "Without question, God prefers health over sickness, prosperity over poverty, community over isolation, and of course, mercy over justice." so I have to believe that God wants to partner with me for to see dreams and goals realized. 

1. Finish reading the Bible in a (3) year(s).
2. Write at least 12 songs that are suitable for an album.
3. Record an album
4. AAAAAND - stereotypical, but I want to work out at least 3 times a week.

#3 is a bit contingent upon #2, but that's OK. Also, I'm gunna go ahead and tell myself it's OK if these aren't accomplished this year. I don't take my new years resolutions as seriously as some people, but I do think it's smart to at least establish a few goals at the beginning of the year to try and focus on and work towards.

Lastly, another blogger I read likes to pray for a word from the Lord at the beginning of each year, and I think that's a great idea. I'm going to pray over the next few days and see what word the Lord has for me in 2011. More on that later! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Learning

Our Christmas spent in Bloominton, IL with Josh's family was great. Lots of shopping, game playing, gift giving, snow watching, pie making, wine drinking, family feasting, picture taking and late nights followed by early mornings took place. I'm pretty sure after 3 days of stuffing myself to the gills of delicious and greasy/sugary food while burning the candles at both ends is what made my body finally call it quits.

I always seem to get sick around the holidays and I'm pretty sure the "too much fun" (as my Grandpapa would say) is what causes the plague. 2 years ago on the Christmas of 2008, I think i spent the majority of our time in Bloomington wrapped around a toilet trying to keep down at least one yogurt cup . The Christmas 2006, I traveled with the Michael's on New Years eve day to meet Josh's mom's side of the family for the first time. I ended up spending the entire day sleeping on his grandma's front room couch awkwardly saying "hi, i'm Josh's girlfriend" through cold chills and a swollen glands wrapped in a blanket to Josh's Aunt's, Uncles, and cousins who were complete strangers to me as they walked in the front door.

You would think I would learn my lesson. You would think i would eat less, go to bed earlier, maybe taken an Emergen-C on the ride to the cold tundra of Illinois and pack a few extra scarves, but I don't. And, once again, I find myself unable to breathe through my nose, barely able to swallow and a head that feels like i'm walking around in a muffled balloon.

I tend to be thick skulled and lessons don't sink in the first time, even when learned the hard way. This getting sick over and over is like the same lessons I have to keep learning from God. You see, I doubt sometimes. I forget God's strength and goodness.  The road trip up to Bloomington, proved to be a low point for me on this topic and I wallowed in self-pity and worthlessness. I cried. stared out a window into the abyss of dark farm land passing by under the full moon, felt that I had nothing to offer and before I know what happens i'm going to be old and have done nothing worth anything in my life.

Then God did a funny thing. He had my husband pop in a sermon a friend had given us a few days before our trip and the entire thing was about faith. About the centurion who had faith that made Jesus MARVEL.  About believing and declaring God's promises that he has spoken over me and realizing it has nothing to do with what I can accomplish and who I am, but who he is. (cheesy, i know...but true and something i'm always learning over and over again.)

Eventually, I realized that he CAN use me. That I AM called to lead worship. That I AM called to be a mother. That I AM called to business...and even if all three of those things don't seem to be able to co-exist in my dream world right now, that God is a master planner and WILL let these desires come to fruition one someday.

What lessons do you find yourself learning over and over again? What promises are you believing God for at the end of this year?