I've been avoiding you...

I'll be honest, in case you didn't notice....I've been avoiding you. Up till about a month ago life hasn't been dealing me the greatest hand and I've been wallowing in it. You know what I mean? Sometimes you just want to sit around and cry or space out. And you find yourself self-medicating on netflix, eating out and shopping. Accumulating things around you that you don't need. Living the so-called american-freaking-dream. Wasting $25/ month on a gym membership and lacking any real motivation to do anything but make it to work on time and try to be a nominal participant in society. In those conditions I didn't have much to offer the world creatively, so I disappeared. I know that sounds really dramatic and it wasn't always "the pit of despair", but it came in waves....about once a month actually...

You see in February of 2011, Josh and I decided we wanted to take our little family of 2 + one fur-baby to 3 + one fur-baby and try for a real life human baby. We had been married nearly 4 years and by the time the little one came it would be almost 5 good years of career building, financial responsibility, travel, and an unattached relatively free lifestyle...a reasonable amount of "us" time before we took on parenting.

Our approach to getting pregnant was pretty laid back..."We're not NOT trying..." is what we told friends. Somewhere around June it morphed into - "We're ready for kids" and eventually by Fall it was "We are trying for a baby". Fall passed and ushered in a mild Winter that came and went...countless tests with a negative result - one horizontal line and one vertical line.

Throughout all of this time, I really wanted to write about what was happening, but felt somewhat crippled to share. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and stress myself out, but deep down I was already incredibly stressed and DYING because I wasn't processing what I was going through. (I wrote in my journal a total of 5 times during this time.)

By January, I was in a wasteland. It seemed like my life had no purpose and all I did was sit around waiting...Hubby and I looked at each other and knew we needed vision. We needed new life, baby or no baby, we needed to create something 'cause the path we were on was headed quickly towards destruction.

Both of us prayed.

Both of us came to the same answer. We want God to give us a baby in as much of a natural way as possible...(no in vitro or stimulates at this point). We are still young and have plenty of time for children. Also, we asked God to help us dream again. It had been so long since we even tried and needed the Dreamer of all dreamers to spark our imaginations.

And boy did He...

So much is happening right now! I can't wait to share it with everyone! Stay tuned...


  1. I'm so sorry you have to feel those feelings... I hate them. That's the most mature way I can express my feelings towards trying to have a baby and waiting and waiting. While it seems so impossibly easy for others.

    If you ever want to talk more about it, I'm here.

    Can't wait to hear what this new dream is... you left me hanging!

  2. You must post to fb or email me when you post. I just randomly clicked on my bookmark of your blog and see that there are TWO posts that I am just now seeing!! Is there an automated way to be notified. Surely there is and I don't know about it...

    I've missed your blogging. Glad you're back.

    Sorry about those "once a month pits of despair". Hang in there. It gets better in about 40 years.

    SO looking forward to reading your blog about the spark from The Dreamer.

    I know I haven't gotten everything I longed for, but I have more than enough. Even so, I long for a new dream... Sometimes what you girls (Cynthia, Katherine, Rebecca and Emily) say - in blogs or otherwise - astonishes me and directs me toward the life I want to lead as well.

  3. I've been meaning to comment for a while and I'm just now catching up in my reader - I'm so sorry to hear you've been having trouble getting pregnant! I know how hard it is - it took 11 months for us to get pregnant with our son, and we've been having trouble getting pregnant with our second baby now. I'll be praying that the Lord will send you a little one in His perfect time!