Recently, I have been pondering what it really means to be hungry for God and His word. This lingering thought came after reading part of the book The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun and Paul Hattaway. This is the remarkable story of one man's journey of being a radical Christian at the start of the intense Christian persecution in China.

Near the begining of this mans story Brother Yun talks about how he was DESEPERATE for the word of God when he first came to know the Lord but Bibles were illeagle and incrediblly hard to come by. Brother Yun tells of how he heard of a rumor of another man who had a Bible in a village near his and how he begged this man even to just see the Bible for confirmation that Gods Word still exisits. Because of the risks associated with haveing abible the man said no, but if Yun wanted a Bible he should fast, pray, and cry out to God and the Lord would give one to him.

Anyway, long story short he fasts 2 meals a day and prays for the Lord to give him a bible every day for 100 days. One night in the middle of the night Brother Yun had a vivid dream of two men pushing a cart of bread. The two men asked him if he was hungry for a piece of bread. In the dream Brother Yun says yes, and the men give him a fresh piece of bread in a red bag. Right as he puts the fresh bread in his mouth the loaf turns into a Bible and Yun praises the Lord!

Waking up from his dream he became even more hungry for the Lord's word and frantically searched his house top to bottom to find one. His parents, who he lived with, (for he was only 16 years of age at the time) woke up and were concerned for thier son's sanity. In the middle of the night, in a remote village in China the three of them began to weep and cry to the Lord for Yun to get a Bible.

As they were shouting out thier desperate, end of rope cry, a knock came on thier door. Yun ran to the door and through it asked "Are you bringing the bread to me?"

A voice replied "Yes, we have a bread feast to give you." Recognizing the voice Yun opened the door and on the other side were the two men from his dream and they passed him a red bag with a Bible inside and quickly disappeared into the night. In the book Yun says "I always held that Bible. Even when I slept I lid it on my chest. I devoured it's teachings like a hungry child."

I can't stop thinking about this story. I think as Americans we are so used to having our needs met right away and we are so used to a surface "knowing" of God that the deep desire to go directly into the Heart of God gets lost in all the materialism, TV, Food, and power. We take our and our freedom to worship, pray, and read the Word of God for granted.

After reading this real account of hunger for God I realize how numb and "satisified" my daily life can be. Fake satisfaction it seems now. What am I doing? I want this overwhelming desire that Yun posessed, right? I want to only be filled by the God's Spirit and Word, right. I want to chase after and pursue Jesus with ALL my heart, right? I guess the real question now is...what is stopping me? More to come on this later.


Busy Life

As always my weekend flies by with little to no time for me to actually recuperate from the previous week. Here is what my weekend consisted of.

Friday night:
  • 5:30 Called a dog breeder to check references and make a deposit on a cute little cockapoo (cocker spaniel/poodle mix) puppy (soon to be the newest member of our family).
  • 6:00 Went over to the Causey's for dinner (Joanna my sister-in-laws parents)
  • 9:00 Got home from dinner and had people over to watch a movie
  • 1:00 Sleep
  • 9:30 Woke up.
  • 10:00 Went on scheduled shopping date with sisters-in-law. Ended up being more frustrating than fun because as it turns out... Josh and I have no money.
  • 2:00 Got home and ate some food
  • 3:00 Showered
  • 4:30 Went to church to help with worship
  • 8:30 Got home from church
  • 8:45 had people over to hang out and eat dinner
  • 12:45 Sleep
  • 8:45 woke up
  • 9:45 First day for Sunday morning service at our church.
  • 12:00 Immediately after church had a youth event playing Volleyball, frisbee, sardines, and grilling out...
  • 4:30 got home from youth event
  • 5:00 felt obligated to work out at the YMCA
  • 6:15 played tennis
  • 7:30 Went to dinner with friends
  • 9:30 got home
  • 10:30 crashed in bed
  • 12:00 Actually fell asleep...

Needless to say...I feel like I haven't had any time for me to just do "what I want." I know that sounds selfish, but sometimes that's what a girl needs.

I constantly feel surrounded by other people and feel as though I am caught up with making them happy and giving them what they want all the time. It's a frustrating feeling to have. I am caught in the middle of hating being alone but desperately needing some alone time to rest my brain. Not sure how to fix this problem. It is wearing on my nerves and emotions and unfortunately the people closest to me are the ones taking the brunt of the aftermath. If anyone has an solutions...please let me know asap.



Don't freak out people...I am not depressed. The last post was pretty down but I am feeling much better today. However, I want to remind you that in the very first post of this lovely "withallhearheart" blog I stated that I would be "real" when posting on this site and I hate to break it to you, but, my life isn't all sunshine, candy, puppies, and rainbows people. Sometimes it's messy and sometimes it's pretty, but you have to take the good with the bad if you are going to follow my blog.

I struggled through being "real" and actually laying my heart and true emotions on the line before the last post. It's not that I am afraid of being open. I easily share a lot about my life with my friends and family because they know me. Even complete strangers I am okay with opening up to because I know I will probably never see them again. It's the random acquaintances that I worry about. I know of certain people who read this blog that see me/talk to me once or twice a week and they might start to worry after reading a post like the last one. They might think.."Do I need to be calling her once an hour to be sure she hasn't done something crazy" or "Sheesh, I am never leaving my kids with her again..." after reading what's really going on inside my jumbled head.

After wrestling with that on Monday night before hitting the orange "publish post" button I realized that this writing is something that really helps me process through some of the things I experience in life. I begin to sort emotions out in my head as I type and come to better realize why I act and react the way that I do...so, with that said, just know that I am (for the most part) emotionally stable and this blog has been a great way for me to sort through all my junk and emotions to rise above and learn from my past and that I am not going to take the grit out of my own "auto biography" just to make some acquaintances comfortable.


The Lights Are Off Right Now...

So I know my last post was hopeful about the sudden shift in me and Josh's life and I want you to know that things are still going fairly well and I am still quite hopeful about the future, because I know everything is in God's hands. However, having change forced into my little-comfortable-perfect routine has been really hard for me to adjust to. I have been feeling sad and lost for the past few days. Almost like when you walk in to an unfamiliar room with the lights turned off and you have to grope around for 30 seconds trying to find the switch which then turns out to be 6 switches and you are flipping them all on and off and none of the lights in the actual room you are in are turning on and you realize that the switches are on the lamps them selves and the whole vicious cycle starts over again...

I have no idea why the-forced-change is making me feel this way. Maybe it is having things out of my "control". Maybe it is having to drive to work by myself in the morning. Maybe it is knowing that everyone else in the house gets to be in relaxed clothes at home. Maybe it's the cubicle. Maybe my calling is being stifled. I don't know. All I know is that more often now, than before "the change" I feel like crying.

Sitting at my desk at work. Driving in my car. Laying in bed. Eating. All the time. I guess I am noticing how much of my day is spent by myself wishing I could be with someone I love. If you are reading this, and I love you, please know that I am in desperate need of more of you in my life...or maybe I don't. Maybe I just need more of Jesus or Holy Spirit. I honestly DON'T KNOW! and I think that is what is bothering me the most...

"Not all who wander are lost."
-J.R.R. Tolkien


A New Horizon

So yesterday was a pretty big day for the my family (aka me and Josh). Josh has been pretty unhappy at his full-time job at 20/20 research and we had been praying that the Lord would give us a sign for him to be able to quit 20/20 or for the Lord to close the door there with Josh leaving on favorable terms. We were hoping that the sign would come in a monetary form...like Josh would receive some money from one of his side projects, get another job, or a random large check would come in the mail. (I am not kidding about that last one...)

Well yesterday the position at Josh's work was eliminated and they laid off all the Assistant Project Managers at 20/20 (3 people). I guess we got our sign/a very closed door. The company was great about everything. They offered him a good severance, plus a part-time job at the company should he want to continue a few days a week.

Now, I know that this is complete answer to prayer because Josh was feeling stifled at his job and I could tell that his passions and talent could be used elsewhere that would make him happy. But, this is a massive change that I didn't really prepare my heart and mind for. I am still in complete shock. Tons of thoughts and panicked moments start to run through my head. I am now the only person in our house that is working...I am going to have to drive myself to work now and not get the cherished 20 min drive to and from work with my hubby...We are going to be scraping for money again, when just two weeks ago we got to a financial point where we were comfortable...I am not going to be able to get the puppy...so much for a 2 y ear anniversary trip...etc. etc. etc....

I know I am being dramatic and a lot of this stuff won't be an issue after a couple of weeks. The Lord has never let us down. We have always had enough to get by, plus some. One of the big things that is making me feel better about this whole thing is a small "act" that happened yesterday. A few weeks ago Josh's sister had made this painting for him that had one half of a verse on it that says "May the Favor of the Lord rest upon us..." and then the second part of the verse was on a painting that she kept and it says "Establish the work of our hands. Yes Lord, establish the work of our hands."

For the longest time this painting sat next to the TV in our living room. Then I think it moved to the office at our house. But, yesterday, Josh thought - "I am going to take this to work and hang it up" He hung it up above his head at work in his cube. Then got laid off. Took and down, and brought it with him as he walked out of 20/20. The favor of the Lord was upon him as he was being let go. It came with him as he met me at Starbucks to give me the news... and it is with him wherever he is now. I believe the fact that he took that painting with him to work on the day he got laid off was significant. I think it's the Lords was of reminding me that Josh being laid off is in His favor and will for our lives.

Let it be Lord. I am learning to trust in You again. I know You care for us, Father. Please, guide our steps in this unknown time and let us know the next path for our family to take. I am trying to lean on you and let your blessings flow out of this sudden, scary, but good, answer to prayer.


45 Mins. of Singing Bliss

There are few things in this world that I enjoy more than musical and movie soundtracks. I tend to enjoy the soundtracks even more than the actual musical or movie themselves sometimes. Last Friday night I spent about 15 minutes singing various songs from all sorts of movies, TV Shows, and Broadway shows to my housemates challenging them to see if they could guess where the song came from (I know, we are a rowdy bunch right?). It was so much fun. Surprisingly, my husband knew a lot of the music from childhood Disney movies. Not from watching the movies himself but probably because I have sang them to him so often.

I also found that singing music from Broadway or my favorite Disney movie (read: The Little Mermaid/Beauty and the Beast) entertains and pleases my little live-in niece Ayla (who is now a cute 8.5 weeks old and a whopping 14+ lbs. Gotta love her!) It was one of the most fun things to see how docile and sweet she can been when I sing these songs to her. I babysat her on Sunday while her parents took a much needed nap. I think we spent a a whole 45 mins of her not crying but smiling at me as I sang some of my favorite tunes from the sliver screen/big stage. Children really do boost self-esteem.

But, never-the-less she eventually got bored and I had to distract her with shiny things (read: her swing, the tan and brown leaf pillows she loves, a wall sconce, boucing around, "Shhing" etc.). And then she pooped...everywhere! (EVERYWHERE!!! read: it got in her hair) I didn't mind changing her though for 3 reasons...
  1. She is my cute little niece whom I love.
  2. It was kinda funny.
  3. She let me sing broadway to her for 45 mins and didn't complain...It's hard to find people like that nowadays.


What Do I Want From Them?

I starting "writing" in my head a little bit yesterday. I am beginning to believe I need a tape recorder handy to get this stuff down somewhere. Today I was thinking, what do I want to get out of my songs? I don't want to sell hundreds or thousands of CDs. I don't want to makes tons of money and I don't want fame from my music...

Here is what I have decided want from my songs.
I want to write songs that move people into a deeper relationship with the Lord. I want them to ignite corporate and personal worship. I want them to move me. I want them to move others. I want them to be dynamic and not fall flat like so many songs do. I want them to be gripping and poetic, but not in a "Shel Sliverstien way" where everything has to rhyme. I want them to pull someone into the place where they can meet the Lord in an intimate and powerful way. I want them to be from a heart that is searching but inspired by the creative reamls of heaven so they lead the lost to Jesus. I want them to bring a joyful and pleasing sound to the Lord's ear.


Wired That Way

Yesterday I went to the Vineyard women's book club meeting. I wasn't all that pumped about going because I hadn't read the book, but like my previous post said, I can't stand being home alone for more than 12 hours at a time. It starts to wear on my nerves. So I went.

The book that the women had read is called Wired that Way by Marita Littauer. It is a non-fiction book about the 4 different personality types, their strengths and weaknesses as well as how to relate to and please the other personality types that aren't your own. Not gunna lie, I was very intreigued. I was the only strong "Popular Sanguine" personality type out of the 15-20 women who were present. In reality I am a combo of "Popular Sanguine" and "Powerful Choleric."

As christians reading the book we are challenged to figure out our personallity type, realize what weaknesses we have and try to work on those issues that may offend or hurt others. It was funny reading through the personality types and realizing how accurate they were in the strengths and weaknesses that I posess. Here are just a few of the Sanguine/Choleric Strenghs and weaknesses that I relate to.

Sanguine Strenghs I feel I have
  • Talkative storyteller
  • good sense of humor
  • emontional and dmonstrative
  • expressive
  • curious
  • good on stage
  • lives in the present
  • volunteers for jobs
  • Charms others to work/join
  • starts in a flashy way
  • Seems exciting
  • Loves people
  • Thrives on compliments
Sanguine Weaknesses I have
  • Compulsive talker
  • Exaggerates
  • has a loud voice and laugh
  • scares some people off
  • gets angry easily
  • Controlled by circumstances
  • Complains
  • Undisciplined
  • easily distracted
  • hates to be alone (see yesterday's post)
  • interrupts and doesn't listen
  • answers for others
  • Wants to be opular
  • Wants to be center stage
Choleric Stregths I have
  • Leader
  • Strong-willed and decisive
  • independent
  • sees the whole picture
  • moves quickly to action
  • stimulates activity
  • Will lead and organize
Choleric Weaknesses I have
  • Impatient
  • Quick tempered
  • Comes on too strong
  • Little tolerance for mistakes
  • Make rash decisions
  • May be rude or tactless
  • decides for others
I think knowing more what I am helps me to understand why sometimes other people just rub me the wrong way. After the book-club meeting I asked around to see if I could borrow someones book. I am so excited to read it and figure out what Josh and my family/friends are so I can learn to relate to them in a better way.


Silent House

After a weekend of non-stop movement and people filling our house I sit on a Sunday afternoon in a quite and empty condo. Josh has gone to Indianapolis for the day and Nathan, Joanna, and Ayla are at church/Jo's parents for the day.

I spent the morning slowly waking up, cleaning from the previous night's festivities, catching up on the best TV show ever (LOST), doing yoga, and wrapping up the mound of laundry that needed to be done. A leisurely morning doesn't happen often around here. I really enjoy it from time to time, but after a while it starts to feel odd....where is everyone? I wish they were home so I could at least be typing this blog next to someone I love. Even if Josh were just in the other room working on ESL Basics or if Jo were upstairs feeding the Ayla I would at least be surrounded by the ones I care about.

It is hard for me to picture myself living alone ever again. When the condo is empty it starts to feel cold and stale...that could have something to do with the snow that came last night or it could be that humans are made to be in community. God made us as relational beings and even if it's hard to find a moments peace and quite when the house is full...I much prefer it that way. :)