A New Leaf

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

I'm obsessed with all things Autumn. Starting at the beginning of September I constantly check the 5 and 10 day weather report to see when the temps will dip below 60 and plan boot wearing accordingly. But in the south my fixation on scarves, nutmeg spiced drinks and pumpkin flavored baked goods are thwarted by temperatures continuously meandering into the high 80s. I wake with hopes of crisp air,  steaming tea and cinnamon butter toast to start a productive day perfectly balanced between checking things off my to-do list and relishing creative moments. I'm caught off guard when I break a sweat walking Willow outside to do her business and find my enthusiasm for the day fading as the temperature rises.

The fickle weather mirrors my attitude and I feel adrift.

My days fade in and out each quite similar to the last and I crave for the Lord to show me something new. My body aches to feel fire or ice. Something other than the tepid days I'm floating in. I yearn for my affections to awaken. For an ecstasy or an agony to lead my heart away from mediocre.

I desperately need my passions to be stirred once again.

I used to be a passionate person. I used to feel aweMusic. Art. the Lord. Food. Wine. Worship. Writing. I felt drawn and touched by these thing. I used to be teachable and moldable  I used to be  emotional for the right reasons allowing the Spirit to stretch me into a new understanding of His power. Letting his word show me new sides of His great love. but now...I'm afraid to admit it... now, I've become the person who is impossible to impress. I'm cynical and pessimistic. Nothing surprises me. Very little sparks me enough to move. 

I still deeply believe in God. I deeply believe He is moving all around the world. I vehemently know in my head that He is at work in my life and that I want to serve Him, but my heart hasn't gotten the message. I'm worried that the beating muscle that gives me life has actually become a lifeless blob in a coat of steel armor.

That's why I'm craving cooler weather. God always refreshes my soul when the air turns crisp. Leaves dry up and fall covering the ground preparing for winter and ultimate new life in the spring. Fall is time for a fresh beginning. The start of a new chapter. A reinvention and rejuvenation of my soul. A time to turn over a new leaf.

So that is my prayer this fall. That God would awaken my soul. Awaken my passions. Bring back humility and childlike awe. Scrape back the dragon scales and reveal a truly tender heart again. God knows, I'm ready.

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