I had a meltdown this week. My glucose screening came back 8 points high forcing me to schedule an appointment for the 3 hour test to determine if I have gestational diabetes. I felt like a complete and utter failure as a pregnant lady, mom and person. And I felt fear creeping in.
So far this pregnancy I haven't dealt with tons of morning sickness, fatigue, discomfort, or pain. I had even kept most of my negative thinking at bay and had peace that our babe would be healthy upon arrival. But, after my first bump in the road I started to let fear take hold of my heart and worry jumped out at like a giant troll that had been looming under the pregnancy bridge for 28 weeks. Needless to say, my hormones took over and I had a complete snotty-nosed-puffy-eyed meltdown. Crying to Josh for about 30 minutes about how "hard everything is going to be..." and how "I'm not ready for labor and motherhood..." and "what if...what if...what if..."
It was ugly. Josh did what he could for my out-of-left-field emotional breakdown and said "everything would be ok..." and "we still had time to get ready..." and "He would paint the nursery this weekend..." But his kind words fell on deaf ears and I was still restless. I let each domino of negative thinking and fear slam into the next until it was too late to keep talking about it and I fell asleep staring into a dark abyss.
The next morning brought new mercy and sunshine. It was a lazy morning of eggs and toast, a few e-mails and a bit of time for a walk. God spoke to me. He nudged my heart as Willow rustled through piles of leaves and sniffed her way through 2 miles. "Speak love" He said. "Your words have power and life."
While the wind blew the orange and red trees into a dance around me, I asked for forgiveness about my pessimism and despair. With each gentle breeze it was as if He blew away fear and settled my heart. Tethering it to truth, faith, and peace. I looked down at my belly and said "I love you baby. I can't wait to meet you". It shocked me at first as I said it, because I realized that was the first time I had spoken these words out loud to the little being growing inside me. Of course I had felt it in my heart, but these feelings, which are so important and so deep, had never been verbalized.
"I love you baby." I repeated. "I can't wait to meet you." And I made a promise, instead of negative thoughts, worry, confusion, stress and fear, above all there is one thing I want to surround my home, my little one, the rest of my pregnancy, and my entire journey as a Mom...Love.