I had a meltdown this week. My glucose screening came back 8 points high forcing me to schedule an appointment for the 3 hour test to determine if I have gestational diabetes. I felt like a complete and utter failure as a pregnant lady, mom and person. And I felt fear creeping in.

So far this pregnancy I haven't dealt with tons of morning sickness, fatigue, discomfort, or pain. I had even kept most of my negative thinking at bay and had peace that our babe would be healthy upon arrival. But, after my first bump in the road I started to let fear take hold of my heart and worry jumped out at like a giant troll that had been looming under the pregnancy bridge for 28 weeks. Needless to say, my hormones took over and I had a complete snotty-nosed-puffy-eyed meltdown. Crying to Josh for about 30 minutes about how "hard everything is going to be..." and how "I'm not ready for labor and motherhood..." and "what if...what if...what if..."

It was ugly. Josh did what he could for my out-of-left-field emotional breakdown and said "everything would be ok..." and "we still had time to get ready..." and "He would paint the nursery this weekend..."  But his kind words fell on deaf ears and I was still restless. I let each domino of negative thinking and fear slam into the next until it was too late to keep talking about it and I fell asleep staring into a dark abyss.

The next morning brought new mercy and sunshine. It was a lazy morning of eggs and toast, a few e-mails and a bit of time for a walk. God spoke to me. He nudged my heart as Willow rustled through piles of leaves and sniffed her way through 2 miles. "Speak love" He said. "Your words have power and life."

While the wind blew the orange and red trees into a dance around me, I asked for forgiveness about my pessimism and despair. With each gentle breeze it was as if He blew away fear and settled my heart.  Tethering it to truth, faith, and peace. I looked down at my belly and said "I love you baby. I can't wait to meet you". It shocked me at first as I said it, because I realized that was the first time I had spoken these words out loud to the little being growing inside me. Of course I had felt it in my heart, but these feelings, which are so important and so deep, had never been verbalized.

"I love you baby." I repeated. "I can't wait to meet you." And I made a promise, instead of negative thoughts, worry, confusion, stress and fear, above all there is one thing I want to surround my home, my little one, the rest of my pregnancy, and my entire journey as a Mom...Love.


  1. Oh sweetie. This just broke my little pregnant heart.

    First. First, first. I know the feeling of failure, even over something like a glucose test. I failed mine with Iris and I failed with this baby. Turns out, I'm just predispositioned to it somehow; but the three hour tests are always fine. I'm SURE you don't have GD.

    AND AND AND. Even if you do, it's not because of something you've done wrong. Some women just get it, they deal with it while pregnant, and then it goes away. I know it feels HUGE and scary and like you've done something wrong--I know because I felt that way with Iris--but I promise you haven't.

    I'm glad you had such a moment of peace. Take the as often as you can--they will be further apart once your little one is around! And be comforted in knowing that I had many such a moment--breakdowns and moments of clarity--in pregnancy, in early motherhood, and I still have them as I learn the ins and outs of being "pregnant mommy" to a toddler. It's part of the package but you are doing famously!

  2. I had GD and I know that feeling but it doesn't mean anything will be wrong with your baby if you do have it. We are mommies after all. That momma bear stuff kicks in early and you'll do anything and everything to keep that little one safe, even if your body doesn't want to cooperate.
    You'll lay on the couch and visualize eating ice cream and giant mint truffles until the craving goes away. You'll walk around the mall if your sugar is high and you'll chug gallons of water.
    AJ was 6 pounds 12 ounces, very healthy and still is. But above all, know that your child is loved by God, like His own child, already. I'm sure you know this and sounds like you and God had a good chat about it already. Just wanted to send some comfort from a mom whose gone through it before. Praying blessings on you!

  3. Thanks for sharing. I can hear you saying "I love you baby." And it's touching. It sparked that love in me toward that little one.
    You'll be a great mom. Already are as I see it.
    And Josh will do alright too, don't you think? :)
    Hugs to all three of you! Four, counting Wildebeest!

  4. That was beautiful. To encourage you I had gestational diabetes and I still made it to labor just fine. I started to drink carrot juice and it brought my numbers down and gave me the strength I needed to get through my labor. Just do the best you can do and let God take care of the rest.