I've been avoiding you...

I'll be honest, in case you didn't notice....I've been avoiding you. Up till about a month ago life hasn't been dealing me the greatest hand and I've been wallowing in it. You know what I mean? Sometimes you just want to sit around and cry or space out. And you find yourself self-medicating on netflix, eating out and shopping. Accumulating things around you that you don't need. Living the so-called american-freaking-dream. Wasting $25/ month on a gym membership and lacking any real motivation to do anything but make it to work on time and try to be a nominal participant in society. In those conditions I didn't have much to offer the world creatively, so I disappeared. I know that sounds really dramatic and it wasn't always "the pit of despair", but it came in waves....about once a month actually...

You see in February of 2011, Josh and I decided we wanted to take our little family of 2 + one fur-baby to 3 + one fur-baby and try for a real life human baby. We had been married nearly 4 years and by the time the little one came it would be almost 5 good years of career building, financial responsibility, travel, and an unattached relatively free lifestyle...a reasonable amount of "us" time before we took on parenting.

Our approach to getting pregnant was pretty laid back..."We're not NOT trying..." is what we told friends. Somewhere around June it morphed into - "We're ready for kids" and eventually by Fall it was "We are trying for a baby". Fall passed and ushered in a mild Winter that came and went...countless tests with a negative result - one horizontal line and one vertical line.

Throughout all of this time, I really wanted to write about what was happening, but felt somewhat crippled to share. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and stress myself out, but deep down I was already incredibly stressed and DYING because I wasn't processing what I was going through. (I wrote in my journal a total of 5 times during this time.)

By January, I was in a wasteland. It seemed like my life had no purpose and all I did was sit around waiting...Hubby and I looked at each other and knew we needed vision. We needed new life, baby or no baby, we needed to create something 'cause the path we were on was headed quickly towards destruction.

Both of us prayed.

Both of us came to the same answer. We want God to give us a baby in as much of a natural way as possible...(no in vitro or stimulates at this point). We are still young and have plenty of time for children. Also, we asked God to help us dream again. It had been so long since we even tried and needed the Dreamer of all dreamers to spark our imaginations.

And boy did He...

So much is happening right now! I can't wait to share it with everyone! Stay tuned...

Hey Moon

Hey Moon - would you sing me a song?
A song about the loved one
who pulls me along

Hey Moon -  would you sing me a song?
A song that takes the place of
This space that's left alone

Hey Sky - would you paint me a picture?
of every single journey
I've wandered to get here

Hey Sun - would you dance me a dance?
That tells of love and happiness
And is full of Romance

Hey Sea - would you light up my path?
For a voyage of lovers
and a season of dreams

New things are coming/here. Hopefully announcing more in the days to come!

Release

Write something
Anything

It's better than swirling ideas
for a thousand years
and never facing the fears
of a pen on a page.

Be someone.
Anyone.

It's better than grasping for status
and needing compass
to guide you to oneness
with a version that's fake.

Go somewhere.
Anywhere.

it's better than living life static
with hope that's sporadic
wishing that magic
will change up your scene.

Create something.
Anything.

It's better than trapping the dreams
hardly letting them free

when you cut off their wings
just as they take flight.
Just do something.
Anything

Because this is your story.
and each moment you tarry
steals the treasure you carry
that the world needs to see.

On Saving

Growing up as the 2nd of 4 girls, I know a little bit about hand-me-downs. My older sister is only 2 years my senior and we were about the same size all our life, so I would constantly be wearing the items she cast off or grew out of. I rocked out some old baggy t-shirts, worn-in tennis shoes, and gently used barbies as a child.

Only having the occasional birthday money and special allowance for mowing the lawn from time to time, I had no idea what it meant to have more than $20 on a regular basis. So, when I got my first job at Bob Evans as a server at age 16, Charlotte Russe and Forever 21 were never the same again, nor was my wardrobe.  Money flowed through my pockets like f-bombs in an uncensored Eminem song and I cycled through my new clothes in 1-2 wears and then booted them to the curb.

Now, as an adult with bills, a mortgage, and what seems like a lifetime of student loans, I know the importance of a buck and buying quality vs. quantity as well as the need to plan for larger expenses.

So, over the last year(ish) I've been saving fairly diligently for a Canon 50D and I'm happy to report that I'm about 80% to the amount I need for this camera. It really has been a long process, but i'm really proud of myself! I've only squeezed my hand into the piggy bank a couple of times for other shopping, but for the most part all my extra spending money is going straight to this fund. Looking forward to a day sometime in the near future where I can start snapping quality pics instead of the standard iPhone pictures i've gotten so used to.

Recipes I'm Loving

I still can't bring myself to write anything really serious on here. After my unintentional blause earlier this year, sharing deep things seems harder than it was before. I'm can't say for certain, but I think it has something to do with the fact that serious posts seem like they have to be long posts...and long posts are hard to write. So I'm going to stay on the surface for a little while longer, if that's OK with you. :)

Here are a few fabulous recipes that i've made recently and I want to share them with you, the world wide interwebs, to enjoy as well...

Creamy Carrot and Sweet Potato Soup

I like this soup because it's fairly healthy with minimal fat and animal products and SUPER yummy. It's most definitely a fall recipe.

Bruschetta with Gorgonzola Cheese, Mushrooms, and Honey

Giada's fake accent every time she says an italian word annoys me. But this was just to fabulous to pass up. Her recipe skips the Mushrooms, but to bulk it up a bit a sauteed a few in olive oil and added them on top before sprinkling the gorgonzola. I made this at my recent wine night a few weeks ago, and it was a huge success!

Phyllo Wrapped Asparagus with Parmesan

I LOVE crispy buttery phyllo dough and you can't really go wrong with a Paula Dean recipe. If I were to do this again, I would cut the asparagus in bite size pieces before wrapping. Cutting through the phyllo with a knife makes it fall apart and loose the overall crunch.

Chicken Carbonara

Another Giada recipe - fake accent aside, this woman knows her italian cooking! This recipe is super simple, very rich, and SO good. We made ours with shrimp and angel hair pasta. The angel hair didn't work well because the sauce was so creamy it tore apart the noodles while stirring. 

Now that i've worked up a crazy appetite - i'm going to go make something fun for dinner!