This past weekend was spent saying goodbye to two of our dear friends who feel that God is calling them back to Florida. There were multiple times where I could have said the right thing like “I love you guys, and I am so glad that you were in my life, even if it was for such a short season. I wish you all the best and here is a sentimental gift that I put a lot of thought into etc etc.” but instead I would end up saying something like “Why are you leaving!?” “Don’t go!” or “Let’s do/talk about something else other than you leaving….”
This whole process of inappropriate pleadings and diverting the subject as two good, nay great, friends left, made me realize that I am really, really bad at goodbyes. I just pretend like they aren’t happening and I am going to see the other person again in a few days. During this “farewell” I realized that I act like this during any type of major change in my life. I seem to try and not take change seriously. The gravity of massive life shifts don’t really shake me to my core like it does to some.
I have decided that it’s because I tent to try and block foreign situations out of my mind and not dwell on the unknown or the uncontrollable. Looking back at my life in general I would do this in even the smaller life situations. Don’t visualize yourself getting the part. Don’t expect to be put into the game. Don’t worry about where the money will come from. Don’t worry about what college you get into. Don’t freak out about marriage like everyone else. Don’t assume that you will become life long friends with people just because they stumble across your path...
This sounds awful and some people may think it is a shallow and immature way of looking at things. But, honestly, I think it is from a heart that wants to live in the moment and wants to let God take care of the details. I know that if I am following Him with all my heart then He will comfort me and bring along just the right thing I need in any given “out of my hands” life shift.
Now, I know that in a few short months another large change is going to happen, Nate and Jo are going to move out of our little condo in Franklin, TN and head overseas for what seems like a lifetime. Right now, I am pretending like my eyes are closed and I can’t see the water rushing past the broken dam toward me. Maybe this time around I will do the right thing when they are packing up their lives and heading out the back door of our condo for the last time. Maybe this time, I will prepare my mind for the move and not be shocked when housemate night is a little less rambunctious. Maybe this time, I will be able to think of a sentimental gift to give. Maybe this time, my hug will be heartfelt and my words will ring true. Maybe this time I can be more sincere. Maybe this time I will be able to genuinely say goodbye and know what it means. Maybe this time it won’t be as hard…but I doubt it.