My 2 and a half week old son lay fighting sleep in my arms, gazing up at me yawning at 3:45 am. Exhausted and looking for anyway to get this little man to close his eyes and go back to sleep the Jenn Johnson song "A Little Longer" popped into my head.
"What can I do for you? what can I bring to you? what kind of song would you like me to sing?" I start singing. "I'll dance a dance for you. Pour out my love to you. What can I do for you beautiful King? Cause I can't thank you enough." Tears start to well up in my eyes unexpectedly and I feel my throat catch. "Cause I can't thank you enough." I force myself to keep singing and feel completely overwhelmed with emotion. Thankfulness for God's amazing provision for a perfect healthy beautiful son. Awe and wonder that he would entrust me with such a precious little human for his time here on this earth.
The words on the song continue to pour out of me washing over my son's innocent tiny ears. Repeating my thankfulness and the fact that no matter how hard I try I can't express with words or show with any amount of work the abundance gratitude and love I have for all that Jesus has blessed me with.
Caught up on the moment of the song I almost forgot how the second part went until I heard my own voice shift and start to sing from the perspective of the Lord to me...
"You don't have to do a thing. Just simply be with me and let those things go. Cause they can wait another minute. Wait. This moment is to sweet. Would you please stay here with me and love on me a little longer...cause I'd like to be with you a little longer...cause I'm in love with you"Tears running down my cheeks and my voice a complete froggy mess the heavy realization of how God, the master and creator of ALL things feels about me. He is my father. My daddy...He just wants to spend time with me. He desires to be around me and I don't have to prove how I feel or strive to impress Him. Stay in the moment. Rest in His presence. Rest in his arms just as Felix, my little wildfire, was resting in mine.
And even at 3:45 am I was genuinely enjoying his presence. His sweet nursing sighs, fuzzy strawberry blonde patch of hair in the back of his head, and baby toes that curl around my arm are enough for me. Felix is simply there. Present. Not dancing around for my attention. Not lavishing any praise upon me. He is just next to me. And I burst with love, joy, and pride for the little dude and I miss him when I'm away from him for 30 minutes. How much more does God love and desire my presence. How much more does God look down upon me and think how proud He is and how much Joy my little life brings him.
It's strange to say it because our culture is fixated on self-deprecation and false humility and saying anything positive about yourself is considered conceited But, truly God is good and his thoughts towards me aren't anything I've conjured up. If I can have feelings of joy, pride and love towards my helpless-never-really-accomplished-anything son with my HUMAN emotions...how much more can God look down on me and feel pride, joy and love towards me.
I squeezed Felix a little tighter. Rested my head back on the blue velvet rocking chair and waited through his cooing and yawns, and my tears and sniffles, for sleep to come. All with God's presence thick in the nursery and my heart filled to the brim.