Over-Indulgent

The other night during our family walk I confessed to Josh that I want to do nothing. Nothing at all, except get his baby out. If an activity does not directly support the goal of helping me spontaneously go into labor, then I have 0% interest in it. Laundry. Nope. Making dinner. Nah. Blogging. Definitely not.

Give me a yoga ball, a long walk, some spicy food and some red raspberry leaf tea and I'm happy as a clam. 

Josh has argued that I find peace in blogging and processing my thoughts and a heart and body at peace is more likely to go into labor. 

I silently cursed him under my breath because I knew he was right.

These final days of pregnancy drag by. I try and keep Felix and I busy in the mornings by running errands, taking walks, doing crafts, but by the time lunch hits and nap time rolls around all I want to do is bounce on my yoga ball and then let him watch Octonauts while I read birth stories till Josh gets home. He pretty much get's what ever he wants because I have no energy to deal. More crackers? sure. Juice? ok. Another episode? Come snuggle your momma and grab the remote on your way. 

It's terrible. I keep rationalizing that "this is my last chance to be super lazy for a while" but  i know it's just a bad habit that is starting before harder times ahead with two in tow. Even though we are being lazy and indulgent, I am treasuring these days as a mom of one. 

I read an article last night on Huffington Post titled "11 Things Empty Nesters Want Parents of Little Kids to Know". I cried by the time I got to the end of it. Thinking about Felix growing up and leaving the house and how these days, as mundane and boring as they are, will become a blur. 

These beautiful days that currently make up my life. filled with peanut butter and jelly, hot wheels covering the kitchen floor and wild sticky curly red bed head hair in a pouf on the back of his head. 

How he says "come on willow" in a sweet high pitched voice every time he moves from one room to the next. How he grabs my face with both hands and squishes my cheeks pulling me in for a kiss. How he loves to help in the kitchen and even in the inconvenience of it all, it's my favorite thing to have him dump the measured water, flour, or salt into the bowl. And how it's gross, but cracks me up that he sneak licks of sugar out of the canister in the midsts of cookie baking. 

How he yells "Daddy home!" when we hear Josh's car pull into the car port then subsequently melts down in tears because he hates when willow barks and most of the time the first words josh hears upon entering the house are "willow loud!"

Even how he says "jay bird" for "scary part" when something makes him nervous (like the hippo at the zoo play ground) and he comes and buries his face in my thigh and grabs my hand for reassurance.

How he yells "Get me!" and we chase each other 50 times around the kitchen island. Him lapping me doing my largely pregnant waddle till he runs to a corner and is trapped and we dissolve in to tickles upon tickles upon tickles.

How we brave the cold to kick the soccer ball back and forth outside and he will throw his head back and wildly laugh for no apparent reason and that makes me laugh and then josh laughs and then we are all laughing and laughing till our bellies hurt like mad people.

Deep down I know much of it will inevitably be a blur. But for now, these are the things I want to remember. 

So I write. I pass the time till we add another little bundle to our messy, wild, overly-indulgent (for now) lives. And I write.

14/52

No... I haven't forgotten. 

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 14: I'm pretty sure this was easter sunday. Eating an afternoon cracker snack.

Squeeze Your Babies

This summer has been a strange one. Normally Nashville is all heat and humidity and sunshine come May, but here we are in mid-June with more rainy days than sunny. It makes a mama of a rambunctious energy filled toddler go a bit stir crazy and seek out lots of activities outside the house. The library - story hour and book reading. The gym (where Felix gets to play with other kids his age and I get much needed self-care time.) The mall playground (ironically the kids play area is a  "soap/water/bath" themed playground, but is most definitely the cause for at least two colds Felix has been on the receiving end of in the last 6 months - we go here sparingly). and Last, but not least - Barnes and Noble.

We love Barnes and Noble for it's glorious new-non-fiction section and cookbook section + well...choo choo trains. Felix has really grown to love toy train area. And this past Monday we took a spontaneous trip there to kill some time before Felix's nap and before I had to pick Josh up at the airport from a weekend away. When my son, who climbs on and often falls off of many things each day, climbed up on the short child's bench and fell, I wan't overly concerned. But he let out one loud cry so I rushed to him and scooped him up saying "I'm so sorry you are hurt. Shhhhh. Mama's here" (all the standard mommy comfort things) and I waited for his next cry. 

But it never came. 

I watched in horror as his eyes rolled back in his head and his body went floppy in my arms and all the blood drained from his face and mine. I screamed "Someone call 9-1-1!" and I ran toward the front desk. A mere 5-10 seconds later Felix was coming to (even though it felt longer). His lips were white and he was in a total daze. 

The paramedics came and checked his vitals then STRONGLY suggested let him go in the ambulance to the ER at Vanderbilt children's hospital. Felix was still subdued at this time, but a bit of the color was coming back in his face and an ambulance visit seemed unnecessary. I declined the ride in, but deep down knew I would take him. After a quick call to my sister (who is a doctor) and her urging to take him to get a head scan I texted Josh and told him he would need to find a ride to the hospital from the airport. 

By the time we arrived, I knew Felix would be OK, but I wanted to play it on the safe side. head injuries are nothing to mess with, especially with a small child who can't communicate pain or nausea. We sat under observation for 3 hours and left without a scan, but with the assurance of doctor that he should be OK, but to just keep an eye on him for any nausea, pupil issues, etc. etc. 

It was a terrifying episode. One that makes you squeeze your babe a little tighter. Let him nurse a little longer. Let him go outside one more time. Let him stay up a little later. And let him have one extra handful of popcorn while watching a movie of his choice that night.

My sad little buddy eating a cracker in the ER.

Flashbulb

Monday did not start well. I woke to Felix covered in vomit and feeling like a horrible mother for not hearing his cries till 6:30 am. I died a little when I went into his nursery and saw the tragic scene. Crying while Josh stripped the sheets from his bed I stripped my precious babe and drew up a warm shower for the two of us to rinse off.

Showers with Felix are my favorite. We normally only take them together when he isn't feeling well, but no matter when we get to take them he is always clings and snuggles close. Hooking his arm around my bicep and resting his head on my shoulder I let the stream of water spray his back. He looked up at me and sheepishly smiles. Showers are a treat.

Droplets form on the red fuzz covering head and long blonde eye lashes stick together with moisture. Silky baby skin pressed up against my soft squishy body. His hand playing carelessly with my hair, his necklace, the water, my breast. Humming and glancing up to lock eyes periodically. As I alternated our turns under the comforting warm stream.

The sickness manifested as diarrhea for four days. Mostly without much cause for panic and going about our usual routine. But, by the 4th day, he hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours and his stomach was obviously cramping to rid his body of the virus. He spent the morning screaming and writhing in pain.

We saw the doctor and she said it should pass on it's own in a few days but to call if things worsen. I cried again watching my little love in so much pain. Throwing himself to the ground in confusion and anguish. Nothing I did could help. Hugs, nursing, books, toys. Nothing.

It was horrible.

That afternoon he was so exhausted from the painful morning that we just laid in bed next to each other. Belly to belly. Him quietly crying but starring intensely in my eyes looking for answers or relief. I did the only thing I could think to do. Sing.

"Rain Drops on Roses" and "Do a Deer"....over and over again. Not sure why sound of Music was our soundtrack that afternoon, but I watched as his piercing stare turned into slow blinks and finally, much needed rest.

Those three moments - the shower, the pain, the rest - are engrained in my memory. Flashbulb memories if you will. In an instant I can close my eyes and feel the weight of my child on my hip in the shower. My heart breaks even when my minds eye sees him wander in confusion and agony and it melts when the afternoon sun pours across my bed and his cries turn to slow steady breath and sleep to the sound of music.

Funny, these moments. I didn't choose them. They were very much a part of normal life. Ordinary, yet poignant. It's strange to think that our everyday can stick with us for eternity.

Toddler

I am definitely the mother of a toddler. My 15 month old sunshine baby keeps me busy. Most days you will find me unshowered in yoga pants and a baggy top with my hair in a messy bun on the top of my head and food from Felix's last meal stuck somewhere on my outfit. But, I love every. single. minute.

I think i've said this before, but these are my favorite days so far. Every stage has been so amazing, but for some reason heading into summer with a rambunctious little boy who loves dirt, playgrounds and discovering the outdoors has me all giddy about motherhood. I really feel like I've hit my stride. He is sleeping through the night. He naps regularly. Eats well. Plays well. Is smiley and happy most of the time. Loves to snuggle and read books, but also enjoys wandering and independent play.

Some of the recent new and sometimes funny things Felix is up to include, but aren't limited to:

• Lifting any and everyone's shirt to see their bellybutton. ANY place. ANY time. The kid is obsessed with belly buttons, and maybe it has a little bit to do with mama and dada's belly's being squishy and fun to play with.
• Singing. He love to sing "let it go" (Which sounds like willow, when he sings it) and What does the fox say. But, he will mimic any song I'm singing or humming around the house in his sweet high-pitched baby boy voice. Slow songs are oftentimes it's accompanied by raised hands and his face up to the sky as if he is in worship. Fast songs get a cute dance which is essentially him bouncing up and down.
• He love finding things outside and bringing them to show me. Flowers, sticks, rocks, trash. You name it. It melts my heart. He is particularly drawn to the fluffy dandelions...we call them fluffers. He will bring it to me and we will blow the fuzzy parts away together. 
• He and our dog willow have a love hate relationship. Felix just loves willow to pieces and wants to squeeze to smithereens. Which obviously isn't willow's favorite, but willow loves the enormous amount of treats Felix gives her. So far, willow makes it work by evading him till mealtime. It's a win-win.
• Going down the slide is one of his favorite things. He even has ventured to the top and gone down all by himself a few times!
• He has started really wanting to act like me and josh. Eating with a spoon and fork. Sitting in a normal chair instead of a high chair. walking instead of being held. It's so sweet. 
• He is obsessed with his Daddy. He wakes up saying "Dada and rolls over to jump on him and give him hugs and kisses.When Josh gets home from work, Felix screams and runs to the door then won't let Josh put him down for the next 30 minutes. It is truly the sweetest thing.
• Still no real hair to speak of, but his peach fuzz is coming in, and, well...it's peach! He is going to be a ginger for sure. It's strange to try and picture him with hair at some point, but I'm sure when He is a grown man he will sport lots of hair and a giant beard like his Dad.

I mean...how did I get so lucky? I'm not normally like this, but recently if I just think about my son I want to cry out of sheer joy. I feel abundantly grateful that I was given such a sweet child. My days are richer because of him, that's for sure.

13/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 13: Dirty knees. Outside. Every little boy's dream.

12/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 12: Theo was born! I was on photography duty, but this is the only picture of I got of Felix this week. He was being spoiled by Grandpapa playing with the iPad. 

11/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 11: In the freezing cold in late March, but still in love with the outdoors.

10/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 10: Outside playing with his yellow bucket. Happy as a clam.

9/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 9: Reading one of his birthday books from Nana.

Lullaby

I grew up with a very elaborate and wonderful bedtime routine. My mom would tell us to "Go up the golden stairs" (which she was told as a child because of the carpet color, but the command worked just the same even with our blue carpet.) We would put on our PJs - which for me was usually just an oversized big t-shirt, brush our teeth and then we were allowed to pick out a "little stack of books" to read before the lights went out.

Oftentimes our stacks involved Mrs. Piggle Wiggle, The Little Mouse and the Red Ripe Strawberry, and a collection of the books we picked out at the library. And usually the stack was too big and we would have to "put two back". But then she would read. My mom is an excellent out-loud reader. She actually does professional voice over work now, so you can imagine how amazing this was as a child. Every book had drama, special voices, accents and even dull narrative was captivating.

Then while stroking our hair and scratching our back with her perfectly rounded long adult fingernails - our heads would hit the pillow. And in the dark of the room she would sing to us. Lullaby after lullaby as we drifted off to sleep in our warm cozy rooms.

It was a dream. Pun intended.

 Felix has a similar routine. He is still young, but for consistency and to help regulate his nighttime sleep (Which we had such a hard time with for soo long) we followed it to a tee. Bathtime (long or short depending on how sleepy Felix is. A fresh diaper and slathered in lotion/coconut oil. Cozy PJs and then a quick read through Time for Bed book. Finally, family prayer time and then lights out for nursing and of course, lullabies.

Here is a list of the Lullabies I sing. I mix up the order and repeat each song a few times or sing multlpe verses of each song. Sometimes I add a few extra songs that have been playing in my heart to sing over my wee-one, but this is the standard list.

Down In the Valley
Amazing Grace
Irish Blessing
Godspeed Little Man
Baby Mine
Rain Drops on Roses

Actually - better than a list, here is a video of me singing a bit of each song. Unedited, and spontaneously done this morning with no planning and no makeup - eek! Of course, since they are lullabies, they aren't sung full voice.  Hope you find a good song in here that you can sing to your baby as you rock them to sleep while they are still small enough to want you to.

Enjoy!

)

Outside (Warning: This Post May Contain References to Dog Poo)

The sunshine finally decided to come out and play! Vitamin D is good for my mental stability so we have spent the good part of two days outside. Plus, Felix is obsessed with the outdoors. Anytime someone comes in our out the back door he runs over and tries to escape and then spends a couple minutes looking longingly outside and then back and me pointing outside over and over with the occasional blood curdling scream thrown in for good measure. 

Oh the screaming. One of the more recent and less adorable traits of toddlerhood. His way of testing his lungs, trying to communicate and/or throwing a tantrum. I've read a lot about toddler screaming and it turns out it's a phase a lot of kids go through. So I have hope and a short bit of patience-rope left to get me through.

But I digress...

Felix has the most adorable toddler run you will ever see. He runs with little tiny steps - almost running in place - and puts his arms up in the air or out to the side and jiggles his booty. My sister-in-law has coined it the "jolly bear run" and I think that is the perfect description. 

Give the boy and open field and the freedom to go where he wants and he is happier than I would be if someone handed me a coupon for a spa day. Well...maybe not. You would probably see my ass do a jolly bear run if someone handed me a coupon for a spa day.

So today, we went to the park. Been feeling guilty willow has been left out of the outdoor fun recently so I let her come along. Also, I thought bringing a bucket for Felix to collect things in could also be fun. 

Oh naïvety. 

I quickly realized I was in over my head when I had the dog leash, my phone, my keys and the bucket in one hand and a a toddler all but hanging from the other. Of course I'm wearing a maxi skirt - cause you know...warm weather and all, but zero pockets. Before I could get to the doggy bags to take care of any messes Willow might make, she dropped a big one. Right. by. the playground.

So I drag willow and a now screaming felix (who wanted to play on the playground) about 100 yards further to grab a couple bags and go back to clean up. But then willow drops another and since I had let go of Felix to grab the bag he instantly stepped in it. 

Of course.

I pick him up. Put my phone, keys and doggy bag in the bucket. Scream, scream, scream Felix screeeeeeeam...100 yards back to the crap. And pick it up. 

A guy slack lining nearby shouts over the screams..."cute dog."

"Thanks" i reply deadpan and toss the bag into the trash.

The rest of the trip was just as disastrous. Felix screaming, insisting on holding the leash, getting caught in the leash, lots of teenage on lookers, anther run in with felix touching poop and I'm pretty sure my ginger child ended up sun burnt because I'm mother-of-the-year and forgot sun screen or a hat during peek sun hours.

However, even a crappy visit to the park in the sunshine is WAAAAAYYY better than another day cooped up inside with ice and freezing temps outside. Am I right Stay-At-home-Moms or am I right?

Bring on summer!

8/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 8: Climbing at the park.

7/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 7: Visiting Aunt Rebecca's house Felix spend 30 minutes playing with this tea canister. Taking the lid on and off. Rolling the canister across the floor. I love seeing him discover and learn.

6/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 6: Fighting the stomach bug this week. Since the weather was warming up we kept him bare-skinned towards the end. It was just easier... 

5/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 5: Felix LOVES to read! This book is Snuggle Puppy - one of his favorites.

4/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 4: Family trip to Miami. Not as warm as we wanted, but still fun!

The Birthday Celebration

This past week has been crazy and wonderful and so full of life I feel like I'm going to burst. 

Felix turned One and that in and of itself makes my heart pound in awe of how time is speeding by me. In my minds eye I can still conjure up the image of him as a squishy blob of a newborn doing nothing but slowly stretching his limbs, sleeping, eating and well...pooping. And then I look up and I've got this busy little boy in front of me walking around the house and trying his hardest to break into a run at times. Saying words like car, ball, balloon, willow, book, and many other made up words in his own language. And most definitely understanding some of the things I ask him to do...like "shut the door, please." "Bring me that brush." "Can you put that water bottle right there for mommy?" "Do you want to put your shoes on?" and more.

We celebrated his first birthday with a couple of small gifts when he woke up and then eating a giant belgium waffle. Half of it ended up on the ground and then very quickly made it's way into Willow's mouth. She was celebrating his birthday too, I guess. Felix took two good naps throughout the day and we ran a couple errands, and visited barnes and noble for a bit, but other than that I basically just sat on the floor playing with him all day, letting him do whatever he wanted...I mean - it was his big day! You only turn one once.

The BIG celebration came on Saturday when we had over 40 people come to celebrate our little man. He did so wonderfully wandering through the adult legs in our kitchen, playing with the other kids, begging for snacks and drinks and to be held. Then we let him do a smash cake (a vanilla one with blue frosting that I made for him). He gingerly played in the icing for a minute or two, but once I showed him that he could eat it, his eyes got really big and he dug right in...still gently, but with both hands full of blue icing and cake. It was the sweetest thing.

Some people may have felt stressed having so many people (including a handful of rambunctious children) in their tiny condo, but I LOVED it. The stress of getting the house clean is never my favorite, but once the food is out and there are people wall to wall chatting and deepening friendships, my heart is full. I am energized and I'm in my element.

We followed up our crazy busy Saturday celebration with more people filling our living room for most of the day on Sunday to watch Football. No agenda other than hanging out with a game on in the background. This is the root of community. Spending time together. Being around one another for long periods of time. Making memories. Making conversation.  In the age of facebook and cell phones, breaking down the barrier of the computer screen and text message friendship for real face-to-face interaction is when life happens. It was a beautiful thing.

3/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 3: Felix's birthday week. He eats spaghetti with meat sauce for the first time and likes it.

Felix Almost One

My dad says Felix walks with a swagger. It is really adorable actually. he is a bit duck footed and sways gently back and forth with each step and picks his left foot up just a bit more than his right. The boy loves to explore. We went to a place called the Fun Factory for Christopher's birthday in Cookville and they had a baby area where Felix could wander about at will. Brightly colored plastic balls from the ball pit were scattered everywhere. Felix went about squatting all the way down like a little indian man his butt a hovering a half inch above the ground investigating each ball within reach and then choosing one of his liking to carry around proudly. Holding it out to each person he would encounter. 

Those places are germ infested, always have dingy fluorescent lighting and a funky smell but they are so much fun for kids. Papa bounced him with vigor and he belly laughed up a storm in the bouncy house. I stuck him in the ball pit and he starred around for a while with saucer-like eyes of wonder amazed at the balls surrounding him. Then he started tossing the balls out side of the pit one at a time like a man on a mission to chisel his way through a mountain.

He is starting to get that things have names. He will hold different items out to me and say "Da?" with a question mark on the end like he is asking what the item is. I with repeat "cup" or "ball" or "dog" to him multiple times and sometimes it seems like he is trying to say the word back to me. 

His hands never fail to find the poo in a poopy diaper.  Constantly grabbing himself or starching his bum the instant his diaper is removed. Its the grossest part about parenting so far (stomach bug vomiting and snotty noses included). There is nothing worse than trying to wash and dry a baby's hands with out getting water everywhere to avoid having fecal matter under your child's fingernails. yuck…Plus, I know where his hands are going the next time I nurse him - deep inside my mouth - inspecting every tooth and pulling my lip like he expects it to pop off at any moment.

He is a really sensitive independent child. Older kids and their unexpected "cookie monster" voices, stealing toys, or their desire to "dress up baby" really send him over the edge. He also seems to have a pretty delicate personal bubble. Too close and big ole tears are sure to come. We tried to give him a bath with his cousin North recently and it was way to much for Felix to handle. 

He has learned how to crawl up and down stairs. He will circle his feet all the way around and crawl backwards from a foot away from the stair when he is ready to go down. And when he is ready to go up and quietly sneaks away from me and takes a little peek with a sly smile over his shoulder to see if I'm watching while he jets up the forbidden staircase. It's too adorable to make me angry. 

He is going to be one in 2 days and it makes my head spin. I have so many sweet memories and so many challenges that I loved my way through in this first year of motherhood. It is truly amazing how this little boy with creamy white skin, one little tuft of red hair in the back and 5 teeth has flipped my world upside down and has taught me about self-sacrificing, unconditional, earth shattering love like I never knew before. It was heaven and hell, dark and light, wretched to the core and gloriously beautiful all at the same time. And this year has started the weaving of a beautiful tapestry of our family of three sweet lives twisting and turning in and out of one another from this point to eternity.