These Days

These days smell like scrambled eggs and toast. Like sweaty toddler feet and and peanut butter spoons. Like sunshine on pavement and bubbles. Like chick-fil-a french fries and old target popcorn going stale in the back of the altima. Like calming lavender baby soap in the evenings and a freshly cracked blue moon after the kids are asleep.

These days sound like sleep grunts and sighs from a 4 week old. Like a rambunctious toddler riding his bike around the kitchen island for the 300th time today shouting "chase me!"Like a gentle shush and sway while floors creak under foot. Or a hard shush after one toddler meltdown too many. They sound like "yay!" from the back seat when the car finally starts after another dead battery. Like the click of the baby swing during the mid day nap. Like "yee-haw!" while a little red head slides down the twisty slide for the 10th time and like the whirr of box fans, sound machines and street sweepers passing by at 3 am.

These days taste like coffee. And more coffee. And yes, a 3rd cup please. Like the mid afternoon special treat scoop of ice cream. Like burgers on the grill one day and hot soup the next - if only the weather would make up it's mind. Like toddler fingers shoving another grape and your mouth and laughing hysterically when you pretend bite his fingers. Like PB&J crust for lunch because there is no time to make a meal for yourself and like 1,000 baby kisses on pouty toddler lips and squishy baby cheeks and toes.

These days look like hair in a messy bun for the 3rd day in a row and PJs on till noon. Like hot wheel cars filling the living room and laundry in baskets waiting to be put away. Like fire red hair bouncing through a field shrieking excitedly chasing birds. Like cozy pink footed sleepers hugging chubby baby legs and arms. Like tiny hands reaching through the slats of the crib begging to be held one more time before bedtime. Like big boxes turned into sail boats and forts. Like stickers covering yoga pants and like lovers snuggled on the couch at 9 PM for one hour of alone time before our heads need to hit pillows, too.

These days feel like heaven entering this atmosphere in the form of toddler hugs around knees and heavy-sleepy baby heads nestled in the nape of my neck. Like exhaustion and repeating the same routine for days on end. Like wet hands from dishes while wearing a newborn. Like a melting momma heart to hear a son comfort a crying new little sister. Like joyous excitement from toddlers and moms alike when daddy's car pulls into the car port. Like a marathon and like a sprint. Like grace and gentleness. Like peace and chaos rolled into one. These days feel like a million mental snap-shots to cherish every moment because I can tell these days...these wild and sweet days are slipping by too quickly.

Newborn

I don't remember enjoying the early days this much with Felix.

He was such a bad sleeper and I was so overwhelmed with new mommyhood that I don't think I truly savored his sweet newborn stage. I hectically made it through each day counting down the hrs till Josh got home from work so I could pass the baby off for food, shower, and a hands free bathroom visit.  I over researched everything and under trusted my instincts. I tracked every poopy and wet diaper, timed every feeding and jumped at every little noise he made in the middle of the night sweeping him out of his bassinet waking us both way more than necessary. Not to mention just randomly waking out of the paralyzing fear that he stopped breathing in his sleep.

This time around is a far cry from that picture.  Jubilee is a big-time sleep grunter and we both sleep through it. I watch for her to lick her lips, gnaw her fists or do the open-mouthed side-lunge to know when she is hungry and ready to eat. And keeping track of diapers is not necessary...we are filling a trashbag full every couple of days - and that's proof enough to this momma to know things are working well.

The sleep sighs she breathes heavily into my ear when napping on my shoulder melt my heart and her sweet little coos when trying to latch on during breastfeeding nearly make me cry with love. Her wide open eyes with furrowed inquisitive brow when quiet-alert is so precious. And the newborn swim of jerky arms and legs moving around like a little orchestra conductor is endlessly entertaining to watch.

Jubilee already loves the sling (which is great for this mom of two) and her clenched fists love to explore daddy's beard every time he holds her.

My mom says she "naps with abandon" and I tend to agree. I don't swaddle during the day and her arms flip up above her head in a pose of victory or as if she is the starting letter for the village people.

I still have my moments of feeling overwlemed by two and feeling emotional over Felix trying to adjust to this massive life change, but overall I'm relishing these slow days of mostly sitting and nursing. Reading books and watching TV together while cuddling my sweet baby girl and boy.

Being a mother to two is grand.

Over-Indulgent

The other night during our family walk I confessed to Josh that I want to do nothing. Nothing at all, except get his baby out. If an activity does not directly support the goal of helping me spontaneously go into labor, then I have 0% interest in it. Laundry. Nope. Making dinner. Nah. Blogging. Definitely not.

Give me a yoga ball, a long walk, some spicy food and some red raspberry leaf tea and I'm happy as a clam. 

Josh has argued that I find peace in blogging and processing my thoughts and a heart and body at peace is more likely to go into labor. 

I silently cursed him under my breath because I knew he was right.

These final days of pregnancy drag by. I try and keep Felix and I busy in the mornings by running errands, taking walks, doing crafts, but by the time lunch hits and nap time rolls around all I want to do is bounce on my yoga ball and then let him watch Octonauts while I read birth stories till Josh gets home. He pretty much get's what ever he wants because I have no energy to deal. More crackers? sure. Juice? ok. Another episode? Come snuggle your momma and grab the remote on your way. 

It's terrible. I keep rationalizing that "this is my last chance to be super lazy for a while" but  i know it's just a bad habit that is starting before harder times ahead with two in tow. Even though we are being lazy and indulgent, I am treasuring these days as a mom of one. 

I read an article last night on Huffington Post titled "11 Things Empty Nesters Want Parents of Little Kids to Know". I cried by the time I got to the end of it. Thinking about Felix growing up and leaving the house and how these days, as mundane and boring as they are, will become a blur. 

These beautiful days that currently make up my life. filled with peanut butter and jelly, hot wheels covering the kitchen floor and wild sticky curly red bed head hair in a pouf on the back of his head. 

How he says "come on willow" in a sweet high pitched voice every time he moves from one room to the next. How he grabs my face with both hands and squishes my cheeks pulling me in for a kiss. How he loves to help in the kitchen and even in the inconvenience of it all, it's my favorite thing to have him dump the measured water, flour, or salt into the bowl. And how it's gross, but cracks me up that he sneak licks of sugar out of the canister in the midsts of cookie baking. 

How he yells "Daddy home!" when we hear Josh's car pull into the car port then subsequently melts down in tears because he hates when willow barks and most of the time the first words josh hears upon entering the house are "willow loud!"

Even how he says "jay bird" for "scary part" when something makes him nervous (like the hippo at the zoo play ground) and he comes and buries his face in my thigh and grabs my hand for reassurance.

How he yells "Get me!" and we chase each other 50 times around the kitchen island. Him lapping me doing my largely pregnant waddle till he runs to a corner and is trapped and we dissolve in to tickles upon tickles upon tickles.

How we brave the cold to kick the soccer ball back and forth outside and he will throw his head back and wildly laugh for no apparent reason and that makes me laugh and then josh laughs and then we are all laughing and laughing till our bellies hurt like mad people.

Deep down I know much of it will inevitably be a blur. But for now, these are the things I want to remember. 

So I write. I pass the time till we add another little bundle to our messy, wild, overly-indulgent (for now) lives. And I write.

Refreshing Weekend

We are having just about the best weekend ever. It's our first weekend in over a month that we are both home and we have no real commitments to speak of, so our family of three is just enjoying each other's company. Garage sale shopping. Park play. Walks. Sushi. Pizza. World cup watching. Breakfast in bed for father's day. Long naps. Pool time. Friend time. All topped off with the tangible presence of the Holy Ghost and it is one that can't be beat.

I feel the JOY of the Lord so much! Honestly, last Sunday was pentecost Sunday and nothing really dramatic happened at our church service, but I walked away lighter and more peaceful than I have been in months. Then this weekend I felt butterflies in my chest and warmth on my face all throughout worship and I KNOW that Jesus was closer than my skin in that very moment. A feel a personal and maybe even a corporate revival stirring in my heart and out of that a strong desire to do bold things and to love the people around me. Not just be like Jesus, but BE Jesus to my friends, family, neighbors.

Like the river in Ezekiel 47 that streams east out of the temple into the land getting deeper and deeper as it flows out and turning salt water, marshes, and swamps into fresh pools of water, so will God's love and spirit be in me. No more shallow stagnant water here. But a fresh stream that flows out of me refresh and touch others with your peace and abundant life.

Oh, and happy father's day to my awesome Papa and my wonderful husband. 

Gentle Days

As a Mom I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I am pretty sure every single mom in the history of moms has struggled with feelings of inadequacy. Am I working too much? Am I working too little? Do I give them enough time outside? Is he learning the right things? Is he eating the right foods? Am I enough? Do I have what it takes? Can I do this?

However, even among these doubts I am coming to a place in my motherhood journey where I'm gentler on myself. I'm trusting my instincts giving myself grace. Grace for a moment stolen on the couch snuggling and reading books by window light that turns into a game of tickle monster, then building blocks, then petting willow and an hour later instead of salmon it's frozen pizza for dinner. But also grace for, dinner needs to get on the table, so let's watch Finding Nemo!

So today when Felix woke from a long nap still cranky, I trusted my gut and set up a little creative space for him to channel some of his grouchy attitude. Then when he came to me holding up his sandals saying "Shoes! Shoes! Shoes!" I knew some puddle splashing and muddy hands were next on the agenda.

This soft embrace of each moment as it comes is changing my perspective. It has allowed for a very accepting version of my daily life. Whatever it looks like. Workout or no workout. Ice Cream or Tea. Salad or Pizza. Nap or dishes. This compassion and tenderness towards myself has resulted in a more balanced and happy heart and a more peaceful home.

 

 Stella! 

Squeeze Your Babies

This summer has been a strange one. Normally Nashville is all heat and humidity and sunshine come May, but here we are in mid-June with more rainy days than sunny. It makes a mama of a rambunctious energy filled toddler go a bit stir crazy and seek out lots of activities outside the house. The library - story hour and book reading. The gym (where Felix gets to play with other kids his age and I get much needed self-care time.) The mall playground (ironically the kids play area is a  "soap/water/bath" themed playground, but is most definitely the cause for at least two colds Felix has been on the receiving end of in the last 6 months - we go here sparingly). and Last, but not least - Barnes and Noble.

We love Barnes and Noble for it's glorious new-non-fiction section and cookbook section + well...choo choo trains. Felix has really grown to love toy train area. And this past Monday we took a spontaneous trip there to kill some time before Felix's nap and before I had to pick Josh up at the airport from a weekend away. When my son, who climbs on and often falls off of many things each day, climbed up on the short child's bench and fell, I wan't overly concerned. But he let out one loud cry so I rushed to him and scooped him up saying "I'm so sorry you are hurt. Shhhhh. Mama's here" (all the standard mommy comfort things) and I waited for his next cry. 

But it never came. 

I watched in horror as his eyes rolled back in his head and his body went floppy in my arms and all the blood drained from his face and mine. I screamed "Someone call 9-1-1!" and I ran toward the front desk. A mere 5-10 seconds later Felix was coming to (even though it felt longer). His lips were white and he was in a total daze. 

The paramedics came and checked his vitals then STRONGLY suggested let him go in the ambulance to the ER at Vanderbilt children's hospital. Felix was still subdued at this time, but a bit of the color was coming back in his face and an ambulance visit seemed unnecessary. I declined the ride in, but deep down knew I would take him. After a quick call to my sister (who is a doctor) and her urging to take him to get a head scan I texted Josh and told him he would need to find a ride to the hospital from the airport. 

By the time we arrived, I knew Felix would be OK, but I wanted to play it on the safe side. head injuries are nothing to mess with, especially with a small child who can't communicate pain or nausea. We sat under observation for 3 hours and left without a scan, but with the assurance of doctor that he should be OK, but to just keep an eye on him for any nausea, pupil issues, etc. etc. 

It was a terrifying episode. One that makes you squeeze your babe a little tighter. Let him nurse a little longer. Let him go outside one more time. Let him stay up a little later. And let him have one extra handful of popcorn while watching a movie of his choice that night.

My sad little buddy eating a cracker in the ER.

Stream of Consciousness

Summer. It has arrived. Although here in Nashville we aren't getting our typical super sunny days, the heat and mugginess has permeated every day since the beginning of May. The Michael family has been busy. Felix and I spend our days at the park, zoo, pool, and on play dates with friends and every free minute in between has been filled with sessions, editing and marketing for my new photography business which is now up and running full speed ahead. Plus, we have started the annual  summertime travel madness with trips to Florida and Ohio already under our belt before June.

Right now, josh just flew off to Chicago for the weekend to visit a friend, so Felix and I are having a fun weekend just the two of us! Plus, I will get some much needed quite time in the evenings to catch up on work, or watch weird foreign Rom-Com movies on Netflix that Josh would never be into.

Felix is growing like a weed. He is one week shy of 17 months, currently cutting 2 teeth (which makes for interesting/clingy days) and is learning SOOO many words. Its incredible. Please, book, cracker, thank you, dog, swing, shoe, and the sweetest little high-pitched drawn out "Bye-Bye" you have ever heard. He is already starting to parrot what we say (granted he doesn't quite have the pronunciation of most words down, but if we say a two syllable word, he will mimic with a two syllable similar sounding babble.)

I'm getting to the age where weaning him is a regular topic of conversation. Most go like this...
Me: "I think I'm ready to wean him. I'm done. I can't nurse any more. I want my boobs back"
Josh: "Yeah. Seems like it's been long enough."
Me: "But, I don't know how to do it? Like, how do I even start?"
Josh: "Humm..."
Me: "It would be nice to have someone else put him down for bed at night from time to time."
Josh: "Yeah, it would be good for you, that's for sure."
Me: "But he is so sweet when he nurses and I know it helps with his teething....Ah....maybe next month."

So any tips on that font, are welcome. When I really think about it beyond those fleeting conversations, I feel done. I feel like if we stopped, it would be hard for a week, but afterwards Felix would still thrive and my quality of life would go up. So that should be the direction we move in before the end of June.

One of our big life changes has been putting a stronger budget in place. At first it was difficult for me to grocery shop with constraints, but i'm sort of getting into this weird mode of seeing how far I can stretch our budget and what odd foods I can put together from the stuff in our pantry. It has actually spurred me to be more disciplined in other areas of my life. I hit the gym with more regularity and if I can't make it all the way there, Felix and I at least get a quick walk in. I am more discipled with my time and maximizing alone time so I feel accomplished, but still balanced and refreshed.

But, the biggest thing I've noticed is my weird desire to get rid of all our stuff. I want to sell everything. I posted a ton of stuff on craigslist to make a little extra cash, but also just to streamline into a simpler way of living. we don't need side drawers filled with things we look at maybe once a year. And we have way to many random appliences we never use. French press? I prefer our chemex. Air pop popcorn maker? Healthier, but honestly stovetop is yummier.

So I'm feeling like this summer is going to be a great one. I have a renewed vision for our family. I have a passion project I'm working towards with my photography. I feel excited watching Felix explore the outdoors as a little boy (Rather than a baby - like he was last year) and I'm feeling healthy, happy, and balanced.

Here are a few iPhone snap shots from the last month.

Row 1: Felix playing piano, Riding 4-wheelers, Playing in the pool, tickles with G-ma, family vacation selfie

Row 2: My sweet boy, mother's day feast, columbus aquarium, brothers enjoying a brew, Sisters at the zoo

Row 3: baby snuggles with theo, Trying smoothies, pool boy, high school friend reunion, sleeping elliot

Row 4: the Myrins, cousins, Precious annalee, fun in summer rain, just riding a dinosaur

Flashbulb

Monday did not start well. I woke to Felix covered in vomit and feeling like a horrible mother for not hearing his cries till 6:30 am. I died a little when I went into his nursery and saw the tragic scene. Crying while Josh stripped the sheets from his bed I stripped my precious babe and drew up a warm shower for the two of us to rinse off.

Showers with Felix are my favorite. We normally only take them together when he isn't feeling well, but no matter when we get to take them he is always clings and snuggles close. Hooking his arm around my bicep and resting his head on my shoulder I let the stream of water spray his back. He looked up at me and sheepishly smiles. Showers are a treat.

Droplets form on the red fuzz covering head and long blonde eye lashes stick together with moisture. Silky baby skin pressed up against my soft squishy body. His hand playing carelessly with my hair, his necklace, the water, my breast. Humming and glancing up to lock eyes periodically. As I alternated our turns under the comforting warm stream.

The sickness manifested as diarrhea for four days. Mostly without much cause for panic and going about our usual routine. But, by the 4th day, he hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours and his stomach was obviously cramping to rid his body of the virus. He spent the morning screaming and writhing in pain.

We saw the doctor and she said it should pass on it's own in a few days but to call if things worsen. I cried again watching my little love in so much pain. Throwing himself to the ground in confusion and anguish. Nothing I did could help. Hugs, nursing, books, toys. Nothing.

It was horrible.

That afternoon he was so exhausted from the painful morning that we just laid in bed next to each other. Belly to belly. Him quietly crying but starring intensely in my eyes looking for answers or relief. I did the only thing I could think to do. Sing.

"Rain Drops on Roses" and "Do a Deer"....over and over again. Not sure why sound of Music was our soundtrack that afternoon, but I watched as his piercing stare turned into slow blinks and finally, much needed rest.

Those three moments - the shower, the pain, the rest - are engrained in my memory. Flashbulb memories if you will. In an instant I can close my eyes and feel the weight of my child on my hip in the shower. My heart breaks even when my minds eye sees him wander in confusion and agony and it melts when the afternoon sun pours across my bed and his cries turn to slow steady breath and sleep to the sound of music.

Funny, these moments. I didn't choose them. They were very much a part of normal life. Ordinary, yet poignant. It's strange to think that our everyday can stick with us for eternity.

Toddler

I am definitely the mother of a toddler. My 15 month old sunshine baby keeps me busy. Most days you will find me unshowered in yoga pants and a baggy top with my hair in a messy bun on the top of my head and food from Felix's last meal stuck somewhere on my outfit. But, I love every. single. minute.

I think i've said this before, but these are my favorite days so far. Every stage has been so amazing, but for some reason heading into summer with a rambunctious little boy who loves dirt, playgrounds and discovering the outdoors has me all giddy about motherhood. I really feel like I've hit my stride. He is sleeping through the night. He naps regularly. Eats well. Plays well. Is smiley and happy most of the time. Loves to snuggle and read books, but also enjoys wandering and independent play.

Some of the recent new and sometimes funny things Felix is up to include, but aren't limited to:

• Lifting any and everyone's shirt to see their bellybutton. ANY place. ANY time. The kid is obsessed with belly buttons, and maybe it has a little bit to do with mama and dada's belly's being squishy and fun to play with.
• Singing. He love to sing "let it go" (Which sounds like willow, when he sings it) and What does the fox say. But, he will mimic any song I'm singing or humming around the house in his sweet high-pitched baby boy voice. Slow songs are oftentimes it's accompanied by raised hands and his face up to the sky as if he is in worship. Fast songs get a cute dance which is essentially him bouncing up and down.
• He love finding things outside and bringing them to show me. Flowers, sticks, rocks, trash. You name it. It melts my heart. He is particularly drawn to the fluffy dandelions...we call them fluffers. He will bring it to me and we will blow the fuzzy parts away together. 
• He and our dog willow have a love hate relationship. Felix just loves willow to pieces and wants to squeeze to smithereens. Which obviously isn't willow's favorite, but willow loves the enormous amount of treats Felix gives her. So far, willow makes it work by evading him till mealtime. It's a win-win.
• Going down the slide is one of his favorite things. He even has ventured to the top and gone down all by himself a few times!
• He has started really wanting to act like me and josh. Eating with a spoon and fork. Sitting in a normal chair instead of a high chair. walking instead of being held. It's so sweet. 
• He is obsessed with his Daddy. He wakes up saying "Dada and rolls over to jump on him and give him hugs and kisses.When Josh gets home from work, Felix screams and runs to the door then won't let Josh put him down for the next 30 minutes. It is truly the sweetest thing.
• Still no real hair to speak of, but his peach fuzz is coming in, and, well...it's peach! He is going to be a ginger for sure. It's strange to try and picture him with hair at some point, but I'm sure when He is a grown man he will sport lots of hair and a giant beard like his Dad.

I mean...how did I get so lucky? I'm not normally like this, but recently if I just think about my son I want to cry out of sheer joy. I feel abundantly grateful that I was given such a sweet child. My days are richer because of him, that's for sure.

Routine

I feel like I am finally catching my breath this week. Since late March we have had visitors and travel non stop. It has been wonderful and draining. This week will be our first full "normal" week at home without someone staying here or us leaving mid week to travel in over a month. I feel like I'll finally be able to catch my breath and get my house, health, and relationships back in order. Routine is soothing for my soul. When I'm not in a good rhythm everything in my life suffers and I become lazy....thus the blog absence and my expanding waist line.

Anyway...

The biggest news that has come about in the last three weeks is my little sister Emily had her precious son. I was honored to be present for a big part of my sisters labor and delivery to take photos. I can honestly say I have found my new passion in birth photography. I've always enjoyed all types of photo shoots, but the intimacy and spontaneity and miracle of capturing a woman as she becomes a mother in all its beauty makes my heart beat fast and my eyes well up with tears. Granted, this was my little sister in labor, but even so, I know I would feel similarly for anyone going through this process. I'm drawn to the love that surrounds and exudes from a pregnant women as she opens her body to bring new life into the world.

I was hoping to get the very first moments of my nephew's arrival, but alas, after 3 days of exhausting labor Emily ended up with a c-section and I wasn't allowed in the delivery room. However, I snapped a few photos of Gabriel with his new son right afterward and then the next day I took some of the whole family and a few newborn portraits of the little man.

Welcome Theodore Eldon Duane Myrin. Here are a couple of those photos. To see more, check out my photography blog here.

P.S. If you live in the Nashville area and are pregnant and interested in maternity, birth, newborn or family photos contact me at kat@voyagecreatives.com. I would love to buy you coffee to talk about what I can offer!

Lullaby

I grew up with a very elaborate and wonderful bedtime routine. My mom would tell us to "Go up the golden stairs" (which she was told as a child because of the carpet color, but the command worked just the same even with our blue carpet.) We would put on our PJs - which for me was usually just an oversized big t-shirt, brush our teeth and then we were allowed to pick out a "little stack of books" to read before the lights went out.

Oftentimes our stacks involved Mrs. Piggle Wiggle, The Little Mouse and the Red Ripe Strawberry, and a collection of the books we picked out at the library. And usually the stack was too big and we would have to "put two back". But then she would read. My mom is an excellent out-loud reader. She actually does professional voice over work now, so you can imagine how amazing this was as a child. Every book had drama, special voices, accents and even dull narrative was captivating.

Then while stroking our hair and scratching our back with her perfectly rounded long adult fingernails - our heads would hit the pillow. And in the dark of the room she would sing to us. Lullaby after lullaby as we drifted off to sleep in our warm cozy rooms.

It was a dream. Pun intended.

 Felix has a similar routine. He is still young, but for consistency and to help regulate his nighttime sleep (Which we had such a hard time with for soo long) we followed it to a tee. Bathtime (long or short depending on how sleepy Felix is. A fresh diaper and slathered in lotion/coconut oil. Cozy PJs and then a quick read through Time for Bed book. Finally, family prayer time and then lights out for nursing and of course, lullabies.

Here is a list of the Lullabies I sing. I mix up the order and repeat each song a few times or sing multlpe verses of each song. Sometimes I add a few extra songs that have been playing in my heart to sing over my wee-one, but this is the standard list.

Down In the Valley
Amazing Grace
Irish Blessing
Godspeed Little Man
Baby Mine
Rain Drops on Roses

Actually - better than a list, here is a video of me singing a bit of each song. Unedited, and spontaneously done this morning with no planning and no makeup - eek! Of course, since they are lullabies, they aren't sung full voice.  Hope you find a good song in here that you can sing to your baby as you rock them to sleep while they are still small enough to want you to.

Enjoy!

)

Outside (Warning: This Post May Contain References to Dog Poo)

The sunshine finally decided to come out and play! Vitamin D is good for my mental stability so we have spent the good part of two days outside. Plus, Felix is obsessed with the outdoors. Anytime someone comes in our out the back door he runs over and tries to escape and then spends a couple minutes looking longingly outside and then back and me pointing outside over and over with the occasional blood curdling scream thrown in for good measure. 

Oh the screaming. One of the more recent and less adorable traits of toddlerhood. His way of testing his lungs, trying to communicate and/or throwing a tantrum. I've read a lot about toddler screaming and it turns out it's a phase a lot of kids go through. So I have hope and a short bit of patience-rope left to get me through.

But I digress...

Felix has the most adorable toddler run you will ever see. He runs with little tiny steps - almost running in place - and puts his arms up in the air or out to the side and jiggles his booty. My sister-in-law has coined it the "jolly bear run" and I think that is the perfect description. 

Give the boy and open field and the freedom to go where he wants and he is happier than I would be if someone handed me a coupon for a spa day. Well...maybe not. You would probably see my ass do a jolly bear run if someone handed me a coupon for a spa day.

So today, we went to the park. Been feeling guilty willow has been left out of the outdoor fun recently so I let her come along. Also, I thought bringing a bucket for Felix to collect things in could also be fun. 

Oh naïvety. 

I quickly realized I was in over my head when I had the dog leash, my phone, my keys and the bucket in one hand and a a toddler all but hanging from the other. Of course I'm wearing a maxi skirt - cause you know...warm weather and all, but zero pockets. Before I could get to the doggy bags to take care of any messes Willow might make, she dropped a big one. Right. by. the playground.

So I drag willow and a now screaming felix (who wanted to play on the playground) about 100 yards further to grab a couple bags and go back to clean up. But then willow drops another and since I had let go of Felix to grab the bag he instantly stepped in it. 

Of course.

I pick him up. Put my phone, keys and doggy bag in the bucket. Scream, scream, scream Felix screeeeeeeam...100 yards back to the crap. And pick it up. 

A guy slack lining nearby shouts over the screams..."cute dog."

"Thanks" i reply deadpan and toss the bag into the trash.

The rest of the trip was just as disastrous. Felix screaming, insisting on holding the leash, getting caught in the leash, lots of teenage on lookers, anther run in with felix touching poop and I'm pretty sure my ginger child ended up sun burnt because I'm mother-of-the-year and forgot sun screen or a hat during peek sun hours.

However, even a crappy visit to the park in the sunshine is WAAAAAYYY better than another day cooped up inside with ice and freezing temps outside. Am I right Stay-At-home-Moms or am I right?

Bring on summer!

I Will Not Be Shaken

The windows rattled and the wind howled as lightening lit up and sky and flashed though wooden slats of the nursery blinds. The strobe light effect and a hot muggy house kept Felix restless during his usually peaceful nighttime routine

I nursed my wiggly little boy and his sweaty skin stuck to my arm and eyes struggled to find sleep in the midst of the storm. He could sense my tension. He could feel my body stiffen every time the windows shook and his hand wandered up to my cheek pulling my gaze back down to his wide open eyes instead of trying to sneak a peak at the weather alerts on my phone or out the window at the swirling trees.

He was worried because I was worried. I did my best to relax. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the back of the rocker. A deep breath in and I began to sing a tried and true lullaby over him.

Down in the valley; the valley so low
hang your head over; hear the wind blow

He calmed and his eyes closed. I felt his breathing slow to a steady and slow rhythm and I let my mind wander gently stoking the back of his hand and letting my fingers dance around his still bald head, cheek and ear. He calmed as I calmed. He mimicked me. He followed my lead. In the eye of the storm his heart posture was reflecting mine. As his mother, care taker, the one he trusts most - if she is OK, I'm OK.

I thought about how nice that must be. How nice it would be to have someone leading you. Someone from whom you could take cues and be put at ease because they have it under control. You have that in loving parents as a child, but children grow up. Move away. Have lives of their own. And along with those lives comes decisions, questions, adversity, storms. It's hard.

The past few days I have had this heavy feeling looming over me. I can't shake it. I feel hopeless, useless, worthless and bored. It's taken a toll on my family and altered the peaceful home we usually have. I hate it. Sometimes I can see the bad mood from a distance drift like a dark storm cloud looming and other times it hits so quickly no one has the chance to prepare. The wreckage of a blow-out fight leaving days of me picking through wreckage.

And in the pit of this self-loathing and lashing out I was reminded of a verse I recently read that spoke to my heart and I read it again.

Psalm 16:5-11 

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
 

you make my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    

surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    

even at night my heart instructs me. 

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    

With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
    

my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
    

nor will you let your faithful one see decay.

You make known to me the path of life;
    

you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I DO have someone leading me. Someone who I can rest in. I can grab his face and pull his eye to mine and listen to his lullaby over me. His singing over me. I will find Joy and a path of life in his presence!

Jesus.

It is always him. He is the ONLY thing I can boast in. He is my leader. My Peace. My lover. My friend. My comfort. My redeemer. My Everything.

At Present

5 THINGS AT PRESENT

1. Josh and I started a new diet last week! It's a 30 day challenge we are doing through our chiropractor which includes a fat-burning diet and exercise program. Essentially it cuts out all carbs and focuses on organic meats/cheese/dairy, loads of veggies, and healthy fats, nuts and low sugar fruit and we do 20 minute burst exersise every day (except Thursday's when I do a Yoga class at the YMCA). It's been a BIG change for us because we are used to chowing down whole plates of pasta for dinner and cereal or bagels for breakfast. But 10 days in and Josh is down 15 lbs and I'm down 10lbs and our energy & happiness levels are through the roof. After the 30 days are up you start to introduce healthy carbs like whole grains, brown rice, quinoa, etc. But the idea is to make a life change from the SAD (Standard American Diet) path that we were on and keep us healthy for the long run. Here is what a few of our meals look like.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Felix is sleeping better! This is HUGE news around here. YAY! I'm still going in once a night around 3:30/4 to nurse him, but that is a massive improvement from where we were 3 months ago - up ever 1.5-2 hrs. Here's my little love sleeping off the stomach bug in my arms the day after Valentines day. 
   
3. 3. Josh and I have decided to set aside one night a week where TV isn't turned on and we focus solely on pursuing creative endeavors. Writing, design, playing guitar, editing photos, website tweaks for Voyage Creatives, Etsy store, etc, etc. Tonight is that night.  So you all get to be blessed with a random, disjointed blog post from me to keep my writing chops from getting too rusty. Last week I worked on some designs. I've been having fun with Save the Date designs lately.
   
4. 4. My Sister-in-Law, Joanna, and her sweet 1 year old Finely are back in the U.S. for a month! She is Normally in Cameroon, but is back for some Doctor's visits and is staying with her parents here in Nashville so I get to see her all the time! Yay! Tomorrow we are headed to the zoo. Should be a nice outside so the Vitamin D will be much welcome.
   
5. 5. Josh's Beard is now huge and it's a daily topic of discussion. Should he shave. Who commented on it at work. How it's sorta getting wavy. How the mustache gets too long and makes it annoying to smooch around. How he touches it way...waaaaaaay too often. How the beard is an instant conversation starter.  About how his beard needs to make it on the blog. 
   

Intentional.

The house is still. Felix is down for the night, Willow is snuggled up next to me and Josh is spending some time out with friends.

Life has been exquisite. There is a predictable rise and fall of our mornings, afternoons and evenings. Our little family of three gracefully dancing together with comfort and familiarity. Serving one another. Loving one another. Even studying one another and learning how each one of us tick. What our individual, likes, desires and passions are. Watching and learning to see how the calling that God placed on each of us emerges in our daily choices, emotions and fascinations.

Josh, for instance, really loves it when I give him my full attention during conversations. No phones, no dishes, no folding laundry. I'm working on that, and can already see a difference in our relationship. Felix really loves to be held and involved in our work in the kitchen. Whenever possible I pull up a chair and let him hold a few plastic cups under the running water while I do the dishes, or that 22 lb boy is balanced on my hip trying to see what i'm pulling out of the fridge or what the cream looks like going into the coffee.

I've even been learning about myself. I feel my best when I get a shower, some alone time to create AND some time with friends. So going out of my way to meet up for coffee, working out, strumming my guitar, or play dates are vital water to my soul. I also really love the moments when all three of us are together. In the morning laying side by side with Felix leaning back on his Daddy resting for a few minutes before we rise into the bustle of a new day. In the evenings when we eat a meal together and then play on the living room floor before bath and nighttime prayers. And even sometimes a special afternoon get together, like we had today. 

We took advantage of the warmer temperature and had a snack at a park near Josh's work. Felix was so happy. He laughed and screamed as he explored the outdoors with fresh eyes after weeks cooped up inside. No one else was at the park, so we let him wander pretty far from us, but still within eye sight. Every now and then he would stop and pick a little stick up off the ground, or smack the side of the slide just to see what would happen. A child's discovery of life is a wonder to behold.

And then Josh called for him and our little man shrieked happily and ran to us in these tiny baby steps that almost made it seem like he was running in place. Laughing and squealing the whole way back to our bench swing. I honestly couldn't help but tear up a little at the beauty that is our little family.

Anyway, I know that's sappy, but life has been good and purposefully taking time to learn about each other has been fruitful. I have found that unless I willfully pour into Josh and Felix then those relationships end up just floating by aimlessly. I will go through the motions and not truly find the joy in the special bond I have with each of them. And these are THE most important relationships I have.

I guess the moral of the story is rhythm is good. Predictability is good. There is an intimacy that comes with the simple steady flow of the everyday. But, the comforting cadence of daily life shines best when paired with a melody of intentionality.

3/52

“A portrait of my child once a week, every week, in 2014.”

Week 3: Felix's birthday week. He eats spaghetti with meat sauce for the first time and likes it.

Back to Three

This afternoon Felix and I ran errands in the rain. He was particularly cranky and needy. Wanted me to hold him during our entire Target visit and really panicked when I put him back in his car seat to run to the grocery for a couple of things I needed for dinner. I think he has two top teeth coming in and just wanted me to hold him so he could bite my sweater and feel close to comfort. But, we made it through our errands and I juggled him and 4 bags of groceries into the house. I nursed him and snuggled him a bit and then I put on some fun music and distracted him with boxes of surprise toys (read: random things from around the house) to discover. Balancing him on my hip off and on while making dinner.

I browned some quality organic beef we got from Whole Foods, added rosemary, sage, garlic, and a chopped onion then a jar of marinara sauce to simmer. Diced a tomato and sliced some romaine lettuce with a sprinkle of feta cheese on top and lightly tossed in Italian dressing. When Josh said he was on his way home from work I turned on the already filled pot of water to boil and a few minutes later added spaghetti. A spanish red was opened when Josh came in the house and he sliced, oiled, peppered and salted to perfection a baguette.

Our little family of three gathered around our table in our rickety falling apart chairs and feasted. It was Felix's first time eating spaghetti and he really seemed to love it (in spite of him gagging on some of the longer noodles that I missed cutting). I even gave him some berries with whipped cream for dessert. What a special treat for my little guy.

Last week Emily and Gabriel moved out. While we really miss having them around for company and a helping hand with Felix, getting back to just our little family in our regular rhythm of life has been refreshing. Plus, I know they have moved on to greener pastures in their own place to set up a home for their upcoming babe. (Due in March!!)

Before Felix went to bed the Josh and I laid on the floor in the living room and Felix ran around us showing us toys, throwing himself on us, we would grab him and tickle him till he couldn't handle it anymore and then he would sit up breathless and throw himself back at us for more.

It has been a long time since I've been able to say this and really mean it, but even on bad days, when it rains, and I'm sleepy and the house is a disaster, I truly feel so much of God's goodness. So much of His blessing. So much of His favor. So much of his closeness and daily weaving in and out of my life. And I am content and more than that, overflowing with Joy. Praise Him.

A Typical Day

I can't believe how much Felix is growing. He is 11 months old now and just as cute as can be. Honestly, I'm convinced he gets cuter every day and this mommy thing is like a good wine or cheese - time makes it even better. A typical day looks like this...

Most days Felix wakes up happy as a clam. Chatting up a storm, pinching my nose, rolling around in bed between Josh and I, grabbing willow and laughing when she licks his face. About 10 minutes of pretending I'm still asleep, Josh either wakes up with Felix (Since I'm still up with him a couple times at night this is Josh's present to me) OR I will give Felix my phone to play some peekaboo barn in bed while I slowly wake to the day ahead of me. I love this morning time as a family all snuggled in bed together. It's one of my favorite times of day.

Felix at the grocery and felix eating lunch.

After we wake up, Josh will change Felix's diaper while I put myself together a little bit to get the day going. We all eat eggs & toast and Felix drinks water from a sippy cup while the adults suck down the coffee. Monday, Wednesday, Friday Felix and I go to the Chiropractor for regular adjustments. Felix used to HATE being adjusted, but now he does amazingly. He plays all around the office while I do my warm up exercises and jabbers up a storm. I'm pretty sure all the other patients get a kick out of him.

After that we either head out for errands or head to the gym. Another place where Felix is thriving. He used to be so sad at the YMCA childcare and I would stress the entire time during my 30 mins on the elliptical, but now he loves it and nearly every time the workers say what a cutie pie he is so I feel like I can spend a bit more time working out.

After our morning outing we head home for a 1-2 hour nap. I will get some work done around the house or on the computer and Josh often comes home for lunch during this time. When Felix wakes, he gets lunch and then we play around the house. I like to mix up rooms to keep things spicy, but often times we are in the living room. I'll sit on the floor while Felix brings me books and then plops down in my lap. Or I will pull out the guitar and we will sing and dance for a bit. Sometimes he takes every toy out of his chest and we look at it and then we clean it all up and start all over again.

Felix reading and felix playing.

Around 3:30 or 4 if I haven't already run to the grocery for dinner items Felix and I will pop over to Publix. No matter where we go, Felix makes friends. He flirts with all the ladies and smiles big grins at anyone who makes eye contact with him. After the grocery, we head home and I'll distract felix with snacks or  if he is tired I will wear him in the Ergo on my back and he will take a 15-20 min snooze while I start dinner.

If it happens to be a night we are eating out we skip the whole grocery trip and I'll fill some of our afternoon time with a park, library, mall, or target trip. We like to get out of the house, if you hadn't noticed.

Then when josh gets home around 6, we eat dinner, have family play time, Felix takes a bath and then heads to bed at 7:30/8. He has been sleeping decently and most nights I get 4-6 hours before his first waking. I should be heading to bed around 9:30, but honestly I'm a night owl and can't bring myself to do it! Even though I know how tired I will be the next day, I spend the evenings getting things done on my laptop (which is HARD to do during the day with sticky fingers constantly trying to grab the keys or pull on the screen - am I right fellow mamas?), hanging out with josh, watching a few shows, or reading. Midnight is my normal bedtime with a Felix waking at 2:30 and 5:30 (when I pull him into bed with me).

p.s. I realize all these photos are of Felix, but most of my day is spent starring at that beautiful child, I can't help but over share photos of him. He is beautiful, amazing, smart, fun, and so so sweet. Therefore, pictures...

29

Like most people I love the holiday season. Parties, presents, twinkly lights, the incarnation of God and in the middle of it all I get to celebrate my birthday. Being at the end of the calendar year my birthday is a wonderful time for me to reflect, celebrate and set goals for the coming year. This year was the big two-nine. My last year before exiting my 20s and becoming an official 30 something.

Josh made my day extremely special. A hair cut and color the Friday before, breakfast out, a day spa treatment, lunch at Chick-Fil-A and a fancy dinner downtown Nashville at Sambuca followed by Jeni's ice cream. I was incredibly indulgent and reveled in being spoiled on my one big day of the year.

On the drive to and from dinner Josh and I talked about what a big year 28 was and what I hoped for in the 365 days to come. It was a bit of a hard question to answer, honestly. I felt a bit like I needed to have the perfect answer and like my thoughts needed to be sorted out more clearly. It took some time to form a response to the question of "What do I want in the coming year?" "How do I want to grow?" "What do I want to do?" "What direction am I headed as a person?"

Here is where I landed. I want to go deeper.

I want to know what it looks like to have deep unbreakable relationships. With Josh and Felix - being in tune with their needs and desires. Creating a home and safe space for their passions and personality to thrive. Genuinely listening and encouraging them to fully become who the Lord created them to be. And I want to go deeper with the community around me. Intentionally reaching out to those I care about. Praying for them. Listening to them. Having laugh-till-your-sides-hurt lunches and late night conversations over an open bottle of Pino Noir.

I want to go deeper in my understanding of myself. I want to know my triggers. know my weaknesses and strengths. Know my passions and direction. Know the calling that is placed over me and move deeper into that calling.

I want to go deeper in my walk with Jesus, too. I want to search out the hidden things of God and find them and I want the Lord to reveal new things to me and teach me how to feel his saturating presence in my life day in and day out. Making dinner. Doing laundry. Changing diapers. Photographing friends. Shopping at the grocery. Sleeping and waking. Feeling the the Holy Spirit's pleasure and closeness in every aspect of my life creating deep roots of faith and trust.

So that's it. No more shallow spread thin plans and ambiguously moving forward in life. I'm hoping for big things as I open myself up to allowing some roots to take place in the coming year. After all, this tree is going to grow pretty big over the next decade and the roots need to go pretty deep to keep things growing in the right direction.

Because if you can't post a selfie on your blog on your birthday...when can you?

(My last shallow act ever...? Nah...)

Happy Fall!

I have been swallowed whole by motherhood, fall activities, travel, and sheer exhaustion. Until a week ago I was still going to sleep each night dreading the inevitable 4-6 wakings before 7AM. And I would barely make it through each day because I was unsure if I would even get a nap out of my little buddy. At 3, 4, 5, 6, and even the beginning of 7 months I could hack it, but when we were rolling into 8 and nine months with nothing changing I couldn't put my fingers to a keyboard to write ANYTHING because I feared only negativity and complaining would spill out as I was rapidly approaching the line of insanity.

However, something in the last week has clicked with Felix and he is now only waking 2 times max and oftentimes can get himself settled and back to sleep rather quickly. Could have been he hit some large mile stones lately (steps, crazy crusing, feeding himself) or that as long as he wasn't really upset and was just sort of shouting and not really crying we would give him 5 minutes to settle and he oftentimes could do so in 2 mins or less or maybe it was that we had him adjusted at the chiropractor.

Either way, sanity is being restored to the Michael household and I may start to make a few more appearances here on this little blog instead of spacing out because that's all i could muster during my free time.

Here are a few things that have happened the last month while I was absent.

My blog turned 5. (Crazy)

My littlest sister got married!

Felix has taken a few steps.

Fall continued being awesome and my favorite of all the seasons.

We went to a wedding in Bloomington, IL

Felix and I visited the Cahills for 3 days

Felix is learning to master the art of sleeping

We attended a super encouraging conference in Campbellsville, KY

I have already started listening to Christmas music

We have a family themed costume planned for tonight. 

Yup. Pilgrim, Indian and Turkey. Even though it's raining and most of the trick-or-treating is canceled, Josh and I still are still planning to go to Publix for their candy passing out and then dinner as a family to Carrabba's for $5 pizza night.

That's all for now! Happy Thursday that happens to also be Halloween.