WLWL: When the Going Gets Tough

Being a worship leader is hard sometimes. I know I am called to it. I know I am skilled in it. I know the Lord has and will continue to use me in the the place of musical worship for the rest of my life. Even if it's just in small groups or for my mediate family. Singing praises to God is ingrained in the deepest part of my soul. 

But every now and then this place of leadership in congregational worship is hard. So hard it makes me question if I should just give it a rest for a season. Let someone else take over for a while. Throw in the towel and see what it's like to saunter in 10 minutes late to service, Starbucks in hand, well rested, and grab a seat in the last row. Maybe even leaving on my sunglasses.

The reason behind these passing desires nine times out of ten can be summed up in one word. Insecurity.

I start to second guess the identity that I am a daughter of the King. I second guess that I'm called. That I'm any good. I begin to feel inadequate and unskilled. And being in Music City I can easily conjure up excuses in my head that there are others out there who are better.

It gets pretty dark from there. 

Well a few weeks ago I started down one of these paths in my head and I was moments from calling up my pastor and telling him I was going to step down for a season (blame it on motherhood busyness). I actually told God - "Why is this so hard right now? You need to encourage me! Where are you?" 

Then I grabbed my phone and lo and behold...a text message from my pastor. Essentially it said that he was preaching on being a people that say "yes" to God. And I immediately knew it was the Lord telling me - you aren't going to quit. And even though this isn't the back stroking encouragement you wanted right now...you need to know that I am calling you to this and you need to say yes.

It felt like a direct order from the Lord on high. It was bizarre. I was actually a little peeved, because I didn't want an order...i wanted someone to tell me how awesome of a worship leader how God used me to change their life, etc, etc. 

But the message was received.

So I continue to press on. Even when I am exhausted. Even when I struggle to find time and energy to create a set. When my fingers are too sore to play through the ministry time songs. When rehearsals fall apart and leave me on the verge of tears. When the devil tries to lie his way into crushing my call.

And in pushing through I find Jesus closer than before. Speaking encouragement. I'm only at the beginning of journey. He is just getting started with how he will uses me in the ways of musical worship. And I'm so glad that even in my weakness he pursues and calls after my heart once again.

I Will Not Be Shaken

The windows rattled and the wind howled as lightening lit up and sky and flashed though wooden slats of the nursery blinds. The strobe light effect and a hot muggy house kept Felix restless during his usually peaceful nighttime routine

I nursed my wiggly little boy and his sweaty skin stuck to my arm and eyes struggled to find sleep in the midst of the storm. He could sense my tension. He could feel my body stiffen every time the windows shook and his hand wandered up to my cheek pulling my gaze back down to his wide open eyes instead of trying to sneak a peak at the weather alerts on my phone or out the window at the swirling trees.

He was worried because I was worried. I did my best to relax. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the back of the rocker. A deep breath in and I began to sing a tried and true lullaby over him.

Down in the valley; the valley so low
hang your head over; hear the wind blow

He calmed and his eyes closed. I felt his breathing slow to a steady and slow rhythm and I let my mind wander gently stoking the back of his hand and letting my fingers dance around his still bald head, cheek and ear. He calmed as I calmed. He mimicked me. He followed my lead. In the eye of the storm his heart posture was reflecting mine. As his mother, care taker, the one he trusts most - if she is OK, I'm OK.

I thought about how nice that must be. How nice it would be to have someone leading you. Someone from whom you could take cues and be put at ease because they have it under control. You have that in loving parents as a child, but children grow up. Move away. Have lives of their own. And along with those lives comes decisions, questions, adversity, storms. It's hard.

The past few days I have had this heavy feeling looming over me. I can't shake it. I feel hopeless, useless, worthless and bored. It's taken a toll on my family and altered the peaceful home we usually have. I hate it. Sometimes I can see the bad mood from a distance drift like a dark storm cloud looming and other times it hits so quickly no one has the chance to prepare. The wreckage of a blow-out fight leaving days of me picking through wreckage.

And in the pit of this self-loathing and lashing out I was reminded of a verse I recently read that spoke to my heart and I read it again.

Psalm 16:5-11 

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
 

you make my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    

surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    

even at night my heart instructs me. 

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    

With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
    

my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
    

nor will you let your faithful one see decay.

You make known to me the path of life;
    

you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I DO have someone leading me. Someone who I can rest in. I can grab his face and pull his eye to mine and listen to his lullaby over me. His singing over me. I will find Joy and a path of life in his presence!

Jesus.

It is always him. He is the ONLY thing I can boast in. He is my leader. My Peace. My lover. My friend. My comfort. My redeemer. My Everything.

WLWL: Take Heart

Worship Leading While Lactating (WLWL): A series about my experiences as a mom and a worship leader.

The past few days have been heavy. Full of burdens for those I care most about. Full of more things falling apart in our condo. More financial strain. More sleep deprivation. More snipping at the people around me. More stress and worry.

Which then led to one entire day of ridiculous consuming.

I ate. I watched. I read. I played silly games on my phone. I laid on the couch like a blob completely spaced out looking at Pinterest. I did absolutely nothing productive at all.

And I felt like crap about it. I bemoaned my full belly laying in bed that night, telling Josh I felt sloshy. (you know the feeling) Struggling to fall asleep in such a engorged state and then right when I started to drift, Felix woke up.

Well the next day wasn't much better. Some bad news from the auto repair shop (like twenty-five-hundred dollars worth of bad news) left Josh and I reeling a bit on what to do next. We chatted on the phone very nonchalantly about the issue and said we would both think for an hour and call one another with what we think we should do.

I went about my day. I played with my baby on the floor. I ran to the post office. I sat in traffic and through it all I prayed. I asked God how, and why, and what questions with little response. I fed Felix peaches and banana for lunch. A big heaping bowl, because the peaches were going to go bad on account of the broken fridge.

He was sweetly taking bites and squirming about like little 6 month old boys do. Trying to see anything and everything that is behind him and avoiding looking forward at all costs, but still opening his baby bird mouth for bites at his leisure. I was in no hurry. I spaced out and started starring out the window. "What is going on, Lord?" I asked again for the umpteenth time. "Where are you in this? What do you want us to do?" 

And without thinking about it, I started singing. I started singing through songs of his strength. Songs of His faithfulness. Songs of His Lordship. Songs of Him reigning over all things. Songs of His goodness. And 15 minutes later I had pretty much compiled the entire set list for worship this Sunday all while Felix finished his little green bowl of lunch.

I felt a great amount of peace and I felt God's sovereignty over my life. Sometimes the worship set comes that easy. Often times it comes easy when my heart is fertile. It comes easy when I'm in a posture that is ready for seeds to be sown. Ready for water to be poured. Ready for the winter to be over and spring to come. So I'm leaning into the one thing that has come easy this week, building the set over mushed peaches.

Our Provider

One year. It has been one year since I worked from a desk in an office full time. God provided a beautiful exit for me from the standard 9-5 job where I was increasingly unhappy and then blessed us with our little bébé and cleared a path for me to be a stay at home mom. The disappearance of some of our regular income, the addition of a another mouth to feed (or more accurately a bottom to diaper) and a few dramatic car repairs in recent weeks have left us in a weird situation financially. And by weird I mean broke.

I'm not overly involved in our finances, but I know the belt is going to need to tighten for a bit due to these changes. I had a moment this afternoon where panic started to take over. I felt this crippling feeling and a worried plea-prayer escaped my heart "oh my God, what are we going to do? Are we going to be OK?" 

Then I realized I needed to actually pray. Rather than let worry and fear be the atmosphere of my heart, I sat before the throne and let His peace wash over me. I let the Lord assure me that He was Jehova Jireh and all would be well. And I pressed into his presence and spoke out loud the promises of the Bible. 

God you are good. 

God you will provide. 

Jesus you will work this situation into something beautiful. 

With tears in my eyes and trust in my heart I felt a certainty. A certainty that the blessings he has already poured on us in 2013 (which include a beautiful baby boy!) will only increase from here. It is going to be more than OK. It's going to be great.

Speaking of beautiful baby boys...look at this kid! I die!

A Voyage

For weeks I had been letting God be the captain of my imagination. I was a close first mate and apprentice as he showed me how to dream again. I’m still learning what it looks like, but I know that every bit of it is bigger than I could have first devised. Creativity felt like it was oozing out of me in every quiet moment. I would cherish these times and at first I would ponder ways to capture the creativity and put it to good use. Eventually, that effort became futile because it was more fun to soak in the moment of inspiration and let it flow through me into words or ideas on a piece of paper than it was to try and tame something out of raw unbridled vision.

Something as simple as walking my dog out late at night and through the hazy city night sky allowing the lights above to capture my eye. Causing an ache for the moon to speak to me! Tell me stories of the things she has seen! Even better, put it into a song, Moon! Oh, bright and beautiful Moon!

From this creative awakening I wound up with a handful of small plans. Seedlings, if you will. These plans did not come about by force, but they came purely from dreaming. Plans that have so smoothly and naturally fallen into place that no one BUT the creator of the world himself could be the author of (more on that later) They are tiny seeds for now, but I know God has Oak or Redwood paths for them to grow into.

Voyage Creatives is the name.  A personal business comprised of:

• Vintage Resale on Etsy – Voyage Vintage
• Semi Pro Photography – Voyage Photos
• Graphic Design – Voyage Studios
• And of course, music and worship…

We will see what sticks. What adventure God breathes upon and which one makes my heart sing. Praise Him.

Presence

God's presence is the only thing that matters to me. He's always there, but I've been more aware of it in recent days.

I smelled him on Friday night while Josh lit up the grill for juicy burgers and ice cold beer with friends at our cozy little condo. Hot pink and orange sunset sky as our back drop.

I felt him smiling down on me while I cuddled with willow and hubs Saturday morning with sun streaming in our window and tasted Him in a perfectly cooked green pepper, onion and cheddar cheese omelet washed down with iced coffee.

I felt His love and provision in a diligent husband's turbo taxing for 5+ hours.

I hugged Him in my visiting little sister, if even for a brief passing-through visit on Saturday night.

I snuggled Him in my nephew Chris reading book after book before bed time, knowing that we were both heavy-lidded and ready to sleep, but loved the time so much that we re-read a christmas pop-up book 4 times in a row.

He strolled down a lamp lit main street on a late-night date with me and my lover. Pizza on a patio. precious pieces of our history woven together by moonlight and spontaneity.


He filled a Church building with the glory of His presence as we celebrated the VICTORY we have in the cross. Swells of thankful incense burning from the lips and hearts of the saints.

He is soaking my life right now and i'm overwhelmed. Let's your cloud rest and stay on my life, Holy Spirit. I'm in love.

Fat Tuesday and Some Thoughts on Lent

Happy Fat Tuesday people.

Are any of you giving up anything for Lent? I know lent is typically assumed a Catholic tradition, but in recent years more and more of my non-denominational or evangelical friends have been making sacrifices during this season. I've never really participated seriously in the past, but for some reason fasting during the season leading up to Easter when Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice seems like a good idea this year.

Last Thursday I was continuing through my Read-the-Bible-in-a-year-three-years plan and somehow it snuck up on me. There I was plowing my way though Luke reading about  Zacchaeus-the wee little man- Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey, Jesus getting all upset about the market in the Temple, Jesus teaching about the end times, yadda, yadda (is that sac-religious?) and before I knew it - BAM - I was swept into the Last Supper and Crucifixion story with a completely new perspective and a tender heart.

As I read, it felt entirely real and present, like I was there with Him, my feet covered in dust as I munched on bread, sipped wine, laughed and reclined at Jesus's breast in the upper room.

I was the one who Jesus invited to the Mount of Olives to pray, but fell asleep while danger for my beloved Lord lurked in the shadows.

I was the one who was so confident that I would stand by Jesus to the end, but  less than 24 hours later denied Him three times during His darkest hours. His eyes piercing mine on the 3rd denial.

I was in the crowd confused and overwhelmed as people shouted "Crucify! Crucify! Crucify!" Not quite sure how things took such a dramatic turn from the warm "Hosannas!" that filled the streets a week before.

And I wept and wept as I read how they hurled insults at Him, mocked Him, humiliated Him, and beat Him within an inch of His life as He hung naked, black-blue and blood soaked on the Cross.

I wept as I read that a few breaths away from death, He spoke mercy and love over his accusers. How His gentle heart showed grace and compassion for the criminal hanging next to him. How even as He stumbled to the place called "the skull," where he would be crucified he found a way to encourage the women weeping over His death.

And the lines on my Bible began to blur under the tears as I found myself literally gasping for breath and sobbing loudly at my dining room table. Overwhelmed by the price that my perfect, precious Jesus paid. Overwhelmed at how selfish and self-centered I am sometimes. And thankful beyond what prayers or useless words on a page can convey...

Willow stared at me, very concerned for her mama('s sanity). I glanced at the clock. Blew my nose from the runny snot-fest. Re-applied some mascara and some powder to my blotchy face. I needed to pull myself together. I was on my lunch break and had to go back to work and be somewhat presentable. How is that possible with the weight of the cross hanging on my shoulders?

Now, I know the story ends well. He doesn't stay on that tree forever, but I can't stop thinking about the sacrifice. All that Jesus did for me and I can't give up dessert/facebook/soda/TV/(Insert-distraction-here) for 40 days? I guess i've made my decision. I will be participating in Lent, it's just a matter of what small sacrifice can I make? I guess you all will find out tomorrow.

Yet still,

Here I am, beloved.
I brought you to this place and waited.
Waited for you to decide if it was I you truly seek.
Given you blessings beyond measure
I even made the sunset for you
yet still, i wait.

Here I am, beloved.
Opening windows for your dreams and listened.
listened for your song to come forth.
pressing my heart to yours hoping you will feel it's rhythm
and show the world my love
yet still, I'm listening, darling.

Here I am, beloved.
longing to show you my affection
Romance you with treasures from my kingdom
dance you to chambers of intimacy and throne room of majesty
and you deny all my adoration
yet still, i wait.

i see beauty where you see weakness.
i see diamonds where you see coal.
i see a faithful one longing for greatness.
i see my beloved, my heart, my soul.

A New Word

I'm learning a new word this week: content.

It's a difficult word to learn and it's forcing me to grow and confront some immaturity that has been seeping into my veins for the past year. I have a constant feeling that real peace and happiness are always just out of my reach. That the next step in my career, a baby, a move, a new house, car, tv, coffee, will make me feel better. It's the american dream at it's best and Katherine Michael at her worst.

This "grass-is-always-greener-syndrome" is poisoning my heart.

Why am I constantly looking for what is missing in my life? I know I have blessings beyond belief. I get to experience things others only DREAM of! I'm married to an amazing man. I've traveled to switzerland, france and mexico. I own my home. Never been unemployed. I have literally been saved from an eternity of condemnation. I am never truly hungry. I have money in a little jar beside my bed saving for a dream (not a need!). We have two running and paid-for cars. I get to use my talents for the Lord through worship. I have experienced God's love. My dog is {cute} and house trained. I have 2 guitars to waiting for songs to be written on them. I have a computer. Relationship with my mom and dad is solid. relationship with my sisters is awesome and growing.

But, somehow i find a way to complain. I'm constantly looking for ways to adjust my life and make it better. Loose weight. Cut my hair. Clean my house. Re-decorate. Upgrade everything. change. move. tweak. morph. switch. vary. transition. It's disgusting. It has actually gotten to the point where i'm doing most of these things subconsciously without rhyme or reason and i wind up more confused than ever.

I know i'm called to be content.  I also know, from the deepest parts of me, that Jesus inspires greatness! Not mediocrity! another "awesome" (read: confusing/frustrating) paradox of the Kingdom. I don't want to be mediocre. Inside me there is still an echo of my childhood dreams. Inside of me is still a box with all the promises God has given me. I'm only 26. I still want to do great things with my life.

Am I supposed to give up on great in quest for content?

Maybe my definition of greatness needs to be reworked.

Maybe my definition of content needs to be reworked.

God, i'm opening myself up to be reworked starting now.

p.s. i just went to dictionary.reference.com to look up content...i got an error message.
I tried again. I got a page that said "Content: no dictionary results" I guess God really wants me to go to Him this time.

An Awareness

Recently, I have been praying for two main things in my life. I want an increase of His presence and I want an increase in my awareness of His presence. Sometimes I mindlessly go throughout the day not even thinking of God all but once or twice during the 9-5 hours.

In Mark 5 there is a story about a sick woman who had a bleeding disorder (for 12 years). She heard about the Jesus and the miracles He had done and she had hope. In verse 27-30 is says "...she came up behind Him in the crowd and touched His cloak, because she thought, 'If I just touch His clothes, I will be healed.' Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once, Jesus realized that power had gone out from Him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, 'Who touched my clothes?'" (emphasis added)

Jesus was fully man and filled with the same spirit we are. Yet, he was so aware of the presence he carried that realized when there was a demand put on that power. I wonder what this felt like. Did He suddenly feel drained? Did His stomach turn? Did He feel a burning sensation in his body? But, even more than that I think it is amazing that He realized it!

I want that type of awareness of the spirit in my life. I want to constantly be aware of His spirit that I carry in this broken human vessel. I know that when I accepted the gospel message at an early age that the spirit came upon me and will never leave me. But I also know that He chooses to rest on people who seek him and desire to be in and know his presence more. I want to so be filled with the spirit during my daily walk that I can't help but notice when the spirit demands something from me or when something puts a demand on the spirit in me.

A good analogy regarding this...If you have a dove on your shoulder and you don't want it to fly away how would you walk? The answer is very carefully. Not carelessly. And most likely you would have a constant sense of the dove's presence on your shoulder.

In the White Room

Over this past weekend I went on a trip to Cincinnati, Ohio for a wedding. The entire Michael family was present. Andrea, my sister-in-law, recently had an incredible encounter with the Lord in a vision where He took her up to Heaven. She told all of us (me, Josh, Nate, and Jo) about this and we were really excited to give it a try. Andrea told us to close our eyes and try to picture Jesus. On the edge of my seat I closed my eyes expecting big things and some elaborate journey through heaven with God. Walking on the golden roads and the seas of glass, flying around and meeting the apostles etc.

Immediately I pictured an empty white room. Nothing around at all. Stark and quiet. Then I tried to picture Jesus. The stereotypical Jesus in Jewish garb popped into the white room and stood there looking at me. I said "Hey" in my head to Him. He said "Hey" back. I asked him, "Are we going to go to heaven now?" and he replied "Not Yet." I said "Well, what do you want to do?" and he responsed "Just wait."

At this point on earth, Andrea asked us if we were getting anything. Joanna and I both said yes. Joanna then went on to share what she was seeing and it was this amazing adventure the Holy Spirit was taking her on. My white room started to look pretty boring. When it came my turn to share I said "Well, mine is pretty lame...I am just in a white room with Jesus."

All at once everyone in the room started to laugh. I realized how bad that sounded once the words left my mouth. Hanging out with Jesus is totally lame....(sarcasm). The spirit of diminishment was trying to negate this amazing experience I was having with the Lord. I rebuked that and moved on quickly.

I ended up staying in the white room with Jesus the whole time. I hugged Him. Asked him questions. Walked around the room with him. I held his hand. I talked to him and realized that He wanted me to know that I only needed him and nothing else. He wanted me to know Him more. I spent a while in my vision just studying the lines on His face, the color and emotion in His eyes and the waves of His hair. It was an incredibly intimate encounter with my creator and savior.

I plan on doing this "exercise" (for lack of a better word), often. Encountering God is amazing. We are always trying to do the "right thing" in our Christian walk. Have quiet time. Pray. Give money. Read the Bible. But, as Brennan Manning says in his book Signature of Jesus, "I spent so much time doing the things that would please God that I had no time left just to be with God." Keeping our focus on Him is important. We should not always strive to complete a daily checklist of things that we think will make God happy. Sometimes God just wants to hang out. Just resting in His presence and letting him love on you and you love on Him is one of the greatest things we can "do."

If this post tugged at your heart and you to want to have an experience with Jesus like mine I encourage you to close your eyes right now. Close them and picture Jesus. What is He doing? What does He want to tell you? Where does He want to take you? Let his love and presence go deep and rock you to your core. Trust me...it's not lame.