WLWL: When the Going Gets Tough

Being a worship leader is hard sometimes. I know I am called to it. I know I am skilled in it. I know the Lord has and will continue to use me in the the place of musical worship for the rest of my life. Even if it's just in small groups or for my mediate family. Singing praises to God is ingrained in the deepest part of my soul. 

But every now and then this place of leadership in congregational worship is hard. So hard it makes me question if I should just give it a rest for a season. Let someone else take over for a while. Throw in the towel and see what it's like to saunter in 10 minutes late to service, Starbucks in hand, well rested, and grab a seat in the last row. Maybe even leaving on my sunglasses.

The reason behind these passing desires nine times out of ten can be summed up in one word. Insecurity.

I start to second guess the identity that I am a daughter of the King. I second guess that I'm called. That I'm any good. I begin to feel inadequate and unskilled. And being in Music City I can easily conjure up excuses in my head that there are others out there who are better.

It gets pretty dark from there. 

Well a few weeks ago I started down one of these paths in my head and I was moments from calling up my pastor and telling him I was going to step down for a season (blame it on motherhood busyness). I actually told God - "Why is this so hard right now? You need to encourage me! Where are you?" 

Then I grabbed my phone and lo and behold...a text message from my pastor. Essentially it said that he was preaching on being a people that say "yes" to God. And I immediately knew it was the Lord telling me - you aren't going to quit. And even though this isn't the back stroking encouragement you wanted right now...you need to know that I am calling you to this and you need to say yes.

It felt like a direct order from the Lord on high. It was bizarre. I was actually a little peeved, because I didn't want an order...i wanted someone to tell me how awesome of a worship leader how God used me to change their life, etc, etc. 

But the message was received.

So I continue to press on. Even when I am exhausted. Even when I struggle to find time and energy to create a set. When my fingers are too sore to play through the ministry time songs. When rehearsals fall apart and leave me on the verge of tears. When the devil tries to lie his way into crushing my call.

And in pushing through I find Jesus closer than before. Speaking encouragement. I'm only at the beginning of journey. He is just getting started with how he will uses me in the ways of musical worship. And I'm so glad that even in my weakness he pursues and calls after my heart once again.

Learning

Our Christmas spent in Bloominton, IL with Josh's family was great. Lots of shopping, game playing, gift giving, snow watching, pie making, wine drinking, family feasting, picture taking and late nights followed by early mornings took place. I'm pretty sure after 3 days of stuffing myself to the gills of delicious and greasy/sugary food while burning the candles at both ends is what made my body finally call it quits.

I always seem to get sick around the holidays and I'm pretty sure the "too much fun" (as my Grandpapa would say) is what causes the plague. 2 years ago on the Christmas of 2008, I think i spent the majority of our time in Bloomington wrapped around a toilet trying to keep down at least one yogurt cup . The Christmas 2006, I traveled with the Michael's on New Years eve day to meet Josh's mom's side of the family for the first time. I ended up spending the entire day sleeping on his grandma's front room couch awkwardly saying "hi, i'm Josh's girlfriend" through cold chills and a swollen glands wrapped in a blanket to Josh's Aunt's, Uncles, and cousins who were complete strangers to me as they walked in the front door.

You would think I would learn my lesson. You would think i would eat less, go to bed earlier, maybe taken an Emergen-C on the ride to the cold tundra of Illinois and pack a few extra scarves, but I don't. And, once again, I find myself unable to breathe through my nose, barely able to swallow and a head that feels like i'm walking around in a muffled balloon.

I tend to be thick skulled and lessons don't sink in the first time, even when learned the hard way. This getting sick over and over is like the same lessons I have to keep learning from God. You see, I doubt sometimes. I forget God's strength and goodness.  The road trip up to Bloomington, proved to be a low point for me on this topic and I wallowed in self-pity and worthlessness. I cried. stared out a window into the abyss of dark farm land passing by under the full moon, felt that I had nothing to offer and before I know what happens i'm going to be old and have done nothing worth anything in my life.

Then God did a funny thing. He had my husband pop in a sermon a friend had given us a few days before our trip and the entire thing was about faith. About the centurion who had faith that made Jesus MARVEL.  About believing and declaring God's promises that he has spoken over me and realizing it has nothing to do with what I can accomplish and who I am, but who he is. (cheesy, i know...but true and something i'm always learning over and over again.)

Eventually, I realized that he CAN use me. That I AM called to lead worship. That I AM called to be a mother. That I AM called to business...and even if all three of those things don't seem to be able to co-exist in my dream world right now, that God is a master planner and WILL let these desires come to fruition one someday.

What lessons do you find yourself learning over and over again? What promises are you believing God for at the end of this year?