WLWL: When the Going Gets Tough

Being a worship leader is hard sometimes. I know I am called to it. I know I am skilled in it. I know the Lord has and will continue to use me in the the place of musical worship for the rest of my life. Even if it's just in small groups or for my mediate family. Singing praises to God is ingrained in the deepest part of my soul. 

But every now and then this place of leadership in congregational worship is hard. So hard it makes me question if I should just give it a rest for a season. Let someone else take over for a while. Throw in the towel and see what it's like to saunter in 10 minutes late to service, Starbucks in hand, well rested, and grab a seat in the last row. Maybe even leaving on my sunglasses.

The reason behind these passing desires nine times out of ten can be summed up in one word. Insecurity.

I start to second guess the identity that I am a daughter of the King. I second guess that I'm called. That I'm any good. I begin to feel inadequate and unskilled. And being in Music City I can easily conjure up excuses in my head that there are others out there who are better.

It gets pretty dark from there. 

Well a few weeks ago I started down one of these paths in my head and I was moments from calling up my pastor and telling him I was going to step down for a season (blame it on motherhood busyness). I actually told God - "Why is this so hard right now? You need to encourage me! Where are you?" 

Then I grabbed my phone and lo and behold...a text message from my pastor. Essentially it said that he was preaching on being a people that say "yes" to God. And I immediately knew it was the Lord telling me - you aren't going to quit. And even though this isn't the back stroking encouragement you wanted right now...you need to know that I am calling you to this and you need to say yes.

It felt like a direct order from the Lord on high. It was bizarre. I was actually a little peeved, because I didn't want an order...i wanted someone to tell me how awesome of a worship leader how God used me to change their life, etc, etc. 

But the message was received.

So I continue to press on. Even when I am exhausted. Even when I struggle to find time and energy to create a set. When my fingers are too sore to play through the ministry time songs. When rehearsals fall apart and leave me on the verge of tears. When the devil tries to lie his way into crushing my call.

And in pushing through I find Jesus closer than before. Speaking encouragement. I'm only at the beginning of journey. He is just getting started with how he will uses me in the ways of musical worship. And I'm so glad that even in my weakness he pursues and calls after my heart once again.

WLWL: When Things Don't Go As Planned

A few weeks ago the perfect storm happened.

The week leading up to that Sunday I was on a little family vacation to the beach. I had mentally prepared the set and just needed to throw it into WorshipTeam.com adjust the keys and notify the team. Late afternoon on Thursday I sent it out. Friday I heard from my pastor that there was a last minute addition of communion and kids blessing (for the start of the school year) and my pastor wanted to do an "up" song after the blessing right before his message. So after getting home from my trip on Saturday, the night before the service I was rearranging the set, adding in new songs and changing up a couple of the keys. Apologizing profusely to the team sending out a totally new set at 8:30 PM the night before. (I try to rarely spring things like this on them)

The morning I was leading worship Josh and I followed our usual routine of Felix night nursing up till about 7:00AM. Then I nurse him right before I leave for rehearsal, however this week, I didn't feed Felix before I left for church. I was running late. I needed to print charts and I was already rethinking the new set...4 songs or 5?

Rehearsal was a bit bumpy, and that was to be expected. We landed on a 4 song set (which I flow better with anyway) and completely cutting the "up" song after the blessing. People trickled in around 10 and we started a bit late around 10:05. I really felt the presence strongly. I knew God was stirring something in my heart and in the heart of the congregation as we lingered in sweet moments of faith and praise.

Normally I find a nice cord progression to float through and sing prayers over the congregation in these open moments. Except that morning my fingers kept sticking. Didn't want to move and change cords and even in spite of my limited guitar skills The Spirit continued to move sweetly.

After worship Josh and I decided since Felix was in a good mood we should put him in the Nursery for the first time. The message was good but towards the end I started feeling antsy. it was 11:30 and I knew Felix hadn't nursed since 7:30. I knew he would be hungry. Then I heard it. The shrill panicky cry of my son coming from the nursery. He was hungry and angry.

I darted out the back door of the sanctuary knowing I had a very limited time before I needed to lead worship for communion. Wailing with big tears running down his face I grabbed Felix and headed to the nursing room. There was a dad with his daughter in there and Felix was in such a state that I really needed alone time with my little man. I ran to the bathroom, leaned against the wall and pulled my son to my breast.

Just as he started nursing I heard the music start up in the sanctuary. I needed to be on stage that very moment. In an instant I evaluated my options. Let my son cry or head in to lead songs during communion. I stayed. Knowing the team could handle a few moments with out me.  2-3 more minutes Felix calmed down and pulled off with a big smile on his face. Super stressed I left the restroom and handed my Felix to Josh.

I scrambled up the side of the stage grabbed my guitar and quietly flowed into the song that the team was playing. During the song I couldn't focus. I kept wanting to cry thinking about my son who was cut short on his nursing session. Even though I knew he was happy, I felt like a bad mom. I felt like a bad leader. I felt like half of my heart was in each place. Ultimately I found a good time in between songs to scoot over to Kitty and tell her I needed to go care for Felix. The ministry time was winding down and my family had to come first in the moment.

Lessons learned. The team can indeed function without me, but having a backup plan with the co-leader would be a good idea. 9 times out of 10 people won't notice my mistakes. My missed timing, my botched chords and my need to  step out every now and then to care for my son, God is so much bigger than that. And even when it felt like a perfect storm and a failure, that Sunday more people told me they felt encouraged by worship than the last 4 times I led combined. And that's what it's all about. People connecting to the heart of the Father and feeling the Father's love in worship.

Also, ALWAYS feed Felix during the sermon right after worship when I'm the leader, better safe than sorry.

WLWL: Take Heart

Worship Leading While Lactating (WLWL): A series about my experiences as a mom and a worship leader.

The past few days have been heavy. Full of burdens for those I care most about. Full of more things falling apart in our condo. More financial strain. More sleep deprivation. More snipping at the people around me. More stress and worry.

Which then led to one entire day of ridiculous consuming.

I ate. I watched. I read. I played silly games on my phone. I laid on the couch like a blob completely spaced out looking at Pinterest. I did absolutely nothing productive at all.

And I felt like crap about it. I bemoaned my full belly laying in bed that night, telling Josh I felt sloshy. (you know the feeling) Struggling to fall asleep in such a engorged state and then right when I started to drift, Felix woke up.

Well the next day wasn't much better. Some bad news from the auto repair shop (like twenty-five-hundred dollars worth of bad news) left Josh and I reeling a bit on what to do next. We chatted on the phone very nonchalantly about the issue and said we would both think for an hour and call one another with what we think we should do.

I went about my day. I played with my baby on the floor. I ran to the post office. I sat in traffic and through it all I prayed. I asked God how, and why, and what questions with little response. I fed Felix peaches and banana for lunch. A big heaping bowl, because the peaches were going to go bad on account of the broken fridge.

He was sweetly taking bites and squirming about like little 6 month old boys do. Trying to see anything and everything that is behind him and avoiding looking forward at all costs, but still opening his baby bird mouth for bites at his leisure. I was in no hurry. I spaced out and started starring out the window. "What is going on, Lord?" I asked again for the umpteenth time. "Where are you in this? What do you want us to do?" 

And without thinking about it, I started singing. I started singing through songs of his strength. Songs of His faithfulness. Songs of His Lordship. Songs of Him reigning over all things. Songs of His goodness. And 15 minutes later I had pretty much compiled the entire set list for worship this Sunday all while Felix finished his little green bowl of lunch.

I felt a great amount of peace and I felt God's sovereignty over my life. Sometimes the worship set comes that easy. Often times it comes easy when my heart is fertile. It comes easy when I'm in a posture that is ready for seeds to be sown. Ready for water to be poured. Ready for the winter to be over and spring to come. So I'm leaning into the one thing that has come easy this week, building the set over mushed peaches.

WLWL - Sleep & Strength

Worship Leading While Lactating - A series about my experiences as a mom and worship leader. 

This past week was one of those weeks. Felix was sleeping worse than ever. Up every hour or more. Not napping. and very needy when he was awake. Demanding attention and movement and constant activity. Saturday afternoon rolled around and I nursed Felix down for a nap as I left the house around 3:45 PM for rehearsal.

I knew leading this weekend would be hard. Little else other than my sisters, parents and my own exhaustion had been on my mind that week. How can I help my family? How can I get Felix to sleep. What is going on in all this chaos of life. How is God moving. I was struggling with being angry at God. I was feeling like my prayers were going unheard. My heart was broken in the midst of this crisis and my emotions were all over the map. I didn't know how much I would have to offer the church body as a leader.

Rehearsal Saturday night flew by and we were done 30 minutes early. We normally don't rehearse ministry time songs, but I decided to play through them since I had the time. Something happened. As usual with God when He comes it's powerful and usually catches me off guard a little.  I was simply running through the song "Promises of Wonder" and in the midst of distractedly playing the line "In the darkest night, when death closes in, all your promises are yes and amen." squeezed at my heart out at me.

How can this be true? My mind raced. I've seen the darkest night and I don't believe you. I don't trust you right now, God! I continued to sing "To the fatherless, your love rushes in. All your promises are yes and  amen." Struggling through the bridge knowing in my head the words are truth, but my heart hadn't made the connection yet.

I repeated the words over and over, trying to will the truth to sink in. and then it happened. I felt the Lord draw near. I felt Him standing right by me. I didn't need to have the answers. I didn't need to straighten out my emotions and be a "happy little worship leader." I just needed him near. And believe it or not, with his presence so close. So comforting, I began to see how even in this dark season of the soul among my questions and confusion  God is there, working. He indeed does have good promises and good plans for my life and HE IS GOOD. And a peace and energy washed over me as I sang. Whether I fully understood it or not, I allowed myself to cling to his loving kindness in the midst of pain and out of the bowels of my soul a light began to shine again. Hope and restoration of my faith.

Tears ran down my face as I sang the bridge again to an empty sanctuary and finished the song with the lines "Always, and only, the mark of Your love will be my glory."

A supernatural energy came into my body and the set that evening and the next morning (after another night of little sleep) was sweet. A time of intimacy with God and in his presence. We lingered and loved on God and felt him close. For once in weeks I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel tired. I didn't feel confusion and doubt.  He strengthened my heart and built up my faith and allowed me to lead out of my own complete weakness.

Worship Leading While Lactating: Being a Mom in Ministry

I'm supposed to be at the church for worship practice in 15 minutes. The night before I was up no less than 5 times calming a fussy baby. I'm exhausted and praying "give me strength Lord" on repeat in my head while I put on my eye liner. I still haven't finished my hair, put on shoes, brushed my teeth or, most importantly, nursed my 4 month old son. One of these items will need to go on the back burner. Frizzy hair it is. 

I know some women choose to take a season out of service in the church to focus their efforts at home after having kids, and that is awesome.  In fact, I was told a few times while I was pregnant that worship leading wouldn't be as important to me after my little bébé arrived. Hearing this made me sad. It ended up being one of my main worries during my pregnancy. Was I going to have to step down from my role as a worship leader? I didn't want it to be less important. I still felt a magnetic pull to pour myself out leading others in worship. I so desperately wanted to be a mom, but at the same time still wanted to walk in this part of my calling. So while I understood the notion of others stepping down for a season after children came along, I always knew that wasn't for me. I wanted to stay involved as much as possible post-baby. 

I serve as one of the main worship leaders at my church here in Franklin, TN. So far being a mom and serving in church ministry has posed some interesting obstacles, resulted in some deep revelations and brought about some hilarious stories. I only have one kid right now, so things could get even more challenging when our family grows further. So, I've decided to share it all here. The funny and the not so funny. The hard and the not so hard. Tips, tricks, and ways it has made me grow as a leader, a mom, and a disciple of Jesus in a new series called "Worship Leading While Lactating"