Presence

God's presence is the only thing that matters to me. He's always there, but I've been more aware of it in recent days.

I smelled him on Friday night while Josh lit up the grill for juicy burgers and ice cold beer with friends at our cozy little condo. Hot pink and orange sunset sky as our back drop.

I felt him smiling down on me while I cuddled with willow and hubs Saturday morning with sun streaming in our window and tasted Him in a perfectly cooked green pepper, onion and cheddar cheese omelet washed down with iced coffee.

I felt His love and provision in a diligent husband's turbo taxing for 5+ hours.

I hugged Him in my visiting little sister, if even for a brief passing-through visit on Saturday night.

I snuggled Him in my nephew Chris reading book after book before bed time, knowing that we were both heavy-lidded and ready to sleep, but loved the time so much that we re-read a christmas pop-up book 4 times in a row.

He strolled down a lamp lit main street on a late-night date with me and my lover. Pizza on a patio. precious pieces of our history woven together by moonlight and spontaneity.


He filled a Church building with the glory of His presence as we celebrated the VICTORY we have in the cross. Swells of thankful incense burning from the lips and hearts of the saints.

He is soaking my life right now and i'm overwhelmed. Let's your cloud rest and stay on my life, Holy Spirit. I'm in love.

A New Word

I'm learning a new word this week: content.

It's a difficult word to learn and it's forcing me to grow and confront some immaturity that has been seeping into my veins for the past year. I have a constant feeling that real peace and happiness are always just out of my reach. That the next step in my career, a baby, a move, a new house, car, tv, coffee, will make me feel better. It's the american dream at it's best and Katherine Michael at her worst.

This "grass-is-always-greener-syndrome" is poisoning my heart.

Why am I constantly looking for what is missing in my life? I know I have blessings beyond belief. I get to experience things others only DREAM of! I'm married to an amazing man. I've traveled to switzerland, france and mexico. I own my home. Never been unemployed. I have literally been saved from an eternity of condemnation. I am never truly hungry. I have money in a little jar beside my bed saving for a dream (not a need!). We have two running and paid-for cars. I get to use my talents for the Lord through worship. I have experienced God's love. My dog is {cute} and house trained. I have 2 guitars to waiting for songs to be written on them. I have a computer. Relationship with my mom and dad is solid. relationship with my sisters is awesome and growing.

But, somehow i find a way to complain. I'm constantly looking for ways to adjust my life and make it better. Loose weight. Cut my hair. Clean my house. Re-decorate. Upgrade everything. change. move. tweak. morph. switch. vary. transition. It's disgusting. It has actually gotten to the point where i'm doing most of these things subconsciously without rhyme or reason and i wind up more confused than ever.

I know i'm called to be content.  I also know, from the deepest parts of me, that Jesus inspires greatness! Not mediocrity! another "awesome" (read: confusing/frustrating) paradox of the Kingdom. I don't want to be mediocre. Inside me there is still an echo of my childhood dreams. Inside of me is still a box with all the promises God has given me. I'm only 26. I still want to do great things with my life.

Am I supposed to give up on great in quest for content?

Maybe my definition of greatness needs to be reworked.

Maybe my definition of content needs to be reworked.

God, i'm opening myself up to be reworked starting now.

p.s. i just went to dictionary.reference.com to look up content...i got an error message.
I tried again. I got a page that said "Content: no dictionary results" I guess God really wants me to go to Him this time.

2011

From the start of this blog in 2008, at the beginning of each year I like to reflect on the previous year and make grandiose resolutions for the forth coming year. So, for the sake of tradition, (and we all know how much i love tradition) and because I can think of nothing better to write at the start of a new year, I will continue on with the ritual. 


The year 2010 seems to be quite a blur in my mind. I feel cheesy saying it, but time really does begin to fly by the older you are. Days and weeks begin to mesh together and years are marked with the small joys and moments that outline the shape of your soul and story. Many surprises took place throughout the year  and I would say at least 1/2 of what ended up framing our year was completely unplanned on Jan. 1, 2010.

• We welcomed a new brother into the family when Andrea and Michael were married in February. 
• We took a week vacation in Myrtle Beach, SC with the Ewing clan in June thanks to my Aunt Debby for graciously opening up her home. During this trip we had our first family "circle" ate lots of good food, sunbathed, read several books, visited Aunt Cindy, payed putt-putt golf, learned how NOT to put an umbrella in the sand when it's windy, soaked up the world cup.
• We discovered my sister Cynthia (my older sister) was pregnant and moving to Nashville to start residency!
• We welcomed two new house guests, Cynthia and John-Paul, from June - October.
• I continued to play guitar, but lost momentum during the summer as our small group came to an end. 
• We harvested wine in Campbellsville, KY and seriously considered moving there.
• I participated in 3 weddings of dear friends. (Heather, Kristen, and Stephanie).
• We miraculously made our way to France to visit Nate, Jo, and Ayla before their move to Africa. Lots of wine drinking, food consuming, walking, shopping, biking, train riding and site seeing was had (read about it here, here, and here. More to come later).
• We joyously celebrated the coming of new life when my niece Annalee Grace was born on November 20th. 
• We fixed our sink, and then fixed it again, and just found out yesterday we may need to fix it AGAIN!
• I dramatically and courageously changed jobs from the non-profit sector marketing to country-folk to the for-profit sector marketing to country-folk. Good times.
• I turned 26 and josh surprised me with a fabulous party filled with friends, wine, pasta, and words of encouragement for the coming year. 
• We took two long weekend trips with the Michael family. One to Saint Louis where we watched baseball, played at the city museum, and found quite possibly the saddest fire works show ever by way of wandering around a parking lot like the Children of Israel. The other to Cincinnati, where IKEA was our worst enemy and an obscure German beer festival was our best friend.
• I started the monthly girls-only wine nights which have become an outlet of cooking creativity, friendship, and shared life. 

Whew...i think those were the highlights for me. Looking back on the goals I had for 2010 I can safely say i accomplished two of the five. They were:

• Finish reading the Bible in a (2) year(s) - Did get further in this process, but still have a ways to go...
• write one hand written letter a month - did this for about 3 months and lost momentum, however i did receive one of my favorite letters of all time from my lil sis Emily as a result of this initiative. 
• write one song a month - I wrote 2 songs all year...which equals out to approx. .1666667 per month...not nearly sufficient enough to call even a solid effort, but is more than I can say for my song writing in 2009.
• write two blogs a month (at minimum) - Blew this out of the water once my momentum started in July.
• incorporate the words magnificent, outstanding, and glorious into my vocabulary more often.  - I mean....you can't really measure this, but i'm pretty sure i remember saying these words more than usual...so...uh...CHECK!

So moving in to 2011 I really feel like this year is going to be marked with Growth and moving forward for me. I feel like 2010 felt a bit stagnate spiritually, relationally, financially, and even backwards health wise. I think God wants to partner with me to prosper and grow in all of these areas during 2011. In an e-newsletter i read this morning the writer, Dr. Ray Roberts said, "Without question, God prefers health over sickness, prosperity over poverty, community over isolation, and of course, mercy over justice." so I have to believe that God wants to partner with me for to see dreams and goals realized. 

1. Finish reading the Bible in a (3) year(s).
2. Write at least 12 songs that are suitable for an album.
3. Record an album
4. AAAAAND - stereotypical, but I want to work out at least 3 times a week.

#3 is a bit contingent upon #2, but that's OK. Also, I'm gunna go ahead and tell myself it's OK if these aren't accomplished this year. I don't take my new years resolutions as seriously as some people, but I do think it's smart to at least establish a few goals at the beginning of the year to try and focus on and work towards.

Lastly, another blogger I read likes to pray for a word from the Lord at the beginning of each year, and I think that's a great idea. I'm going to pray over the next few days and see what word the Lord has for me in 2011. More on that later! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Learning

Our Christmas spent in Bloominton, IL with Josh's family was great. Lots of shopping, game playing, gift giving, snow watching, pie making, wine drinking, family feasting, picture taking and late nights followed by early mornings took place. I'm pretty sure after 3 days of stuffing myself to the gills of delicious and greasy/sugary food while burning the candles at both ends is what made my body finally call it quits.

I always seem to get sick around the holidays and I'm pretty sure the "too much fun" (as my Grandpapa would say) is what causes the plague. 2 years ago on the Christmas of 2008, I think i spent the majority of our time in Bloomington wrapped around a toilet trying to keep down at least one yogurt cup . The Christmas 2006, I traveled with the Michael's on New Years eve day to meet Josh's mom's side of the family for the first time. I ended up spending the entire day sleeping on his grandma's front room couch awkwardly saying "hi, i'm Josh's girlfriend" through cold chills and a swollen glands wrapped in a blanket to Josh's Aunt's, Uncles, and cousins who were complete strangers to me as they walked in the front door.

You would think I would learn my lesson. You would think i would eat less, go to bed earlier, maybe taken an Emergen-C on the ride to the cold tundra of Illinois and pack a few extra scarves, but I don't. And, once again, I find myself unable to breathe through my nose, barely able to swallow and a head that feels like i'm walking around in a muffled balloon.

I tend to be thick skulled and lessons don't sink in the first time, even when learned the hard way. This getting sick over and over is like the same lessons I have to keep learning from God. You see, I doubt sometimes. I forget God's strength and goodness.  The road trip up to Bloomington, proved to be a low point for me on this topic and I wallowed in self-pity and worthlessness. I cried. stared out a window into the abyss of dark farm land passing by under the full moon, felt that I had nothing to offer and before I know what happens i'm going to be old and have done nothing worth anything in my life.

Then God did a funny thing. He had my husband pop in a sermon a friend had given us a few days before our trip and the entire thing was about faith. About the centurion who had faith that made Jesus MARVEL.  About believing and declaring God's promises that he has spoken over me and realizing it has nothing to do with what I can accomplish and who I am, but who he is. (cheesy, i know...but true and something i'm always learning over and over again.)

Eventually, I realized that he CAN use me. That I AM called to lead worship. That I AM called to be a mother. That I AM called to business...and even if all three of those things don't seem to be able to co-exist in my dream world right now, that God is a master planner and WILL let these desires come to fruition one someday.

What lessons do you find yourself learning over and over again? What promises are you believing God for at the end of this year?

Our Plans for Christmas and Some More Thinking

Christmas is 3 days away. I'm so excited! Josh and I will be trekking to Bloomington, IL to celebrate the holiday with his mom, dad, sister, and her husband. The forecast predicts 8 - 10 inches of snow Christmas eve, so sarah (my Mother-in-Law) called yesterday to remind us to bring warm clothes for sledding!

Last year we went sledding and I swear, I think i peed my pants a little due to my uncontrollable laughter every time i belly flopped on that sled and sped down the hill with snow flying in my face.

This will be the first Christmas I will spend away from my mediate family, which in someways is hard. I'm also kind of excited because it's the first Christmas where Andrea and Mike are married so there will be a really fun dynamic in the Michael household this weekend. Mike is a GREAT cook and will be preparing a christmas Goose on the 25th! I will be making my mom's apple pie and perhaps a few other side items to accompany the feast.

The biggest thing that will be out of place is not having Nate, Jo and Ayla in our living room with us. Even last year when they were in France we were able to video skype with them so they could participate in and see the festivities. This year, they are in Africa and they share internet with the main Wycliffe camp there, so no one is allowed to get on video because it takes up too much bandwidth. They will be there on the phone though, so we will just have to be extra descriptive and creative in conveying what's going on!

Random picture to break up the post.

Snowing - downtown Franklin, TN.

On a side note: Recently, I can feel my heart craving some alone time. It needs just a bit of space to sort through thoughts and emotions and to really hear God's voice and understand what he is trying to teach me and guide me in as we approach 2011.

I can tell when my soul is needing this alone time quench because i find myself filling my time with meaningless activities and trying to take control of my own life. When I haven't taken time to listen I get the looming feeling that i need to start making decisions and take action on things or I will end up just meandering through my days in Franklin, TN going through the motions following the next "logical step for people of my age in my position of life".

I find myself at a stalemate with the puzzle of my future starring a hole through all the tiny pieces trying to find that last corner piece with a bit of yellow and green to fill in the frame around what this life should look like. I don't want it to be status quo, but the more pieces of this puzzle I put together on my own, it starts to look a lot like the same Thomas Kinkade puzzle the other 20 somethings around me are putting together.

Yet, instead of doing something meaningful and actually taking control i fill life with more routine like cleaning, facebook, Hulu, blogging, and since my birthday last weekend the Nintendo 64 and Golden Eye/Mario cart beckoning me to keep my mind busy and entertained. That's what I do. Because I lack any type of real strength and self-control on my own to break the mold,  i allow the distractions and what everyone else around me is doing to dictate my life.

I'm hopping while we are in Bloomington I will be able to find a few mins here and there to really allow God's peace to wash over me. To sit in silence and meditation allowing my whole being to absorb what God has for me and allowing HIS strength and love to fill me up and direct my path.

In case I don't get a chance to post while i'm gone, I hope you all are surrounded by love and joy this season.  Merry Christmas!

100th Post

It's the 100th post.

There's a lot of pressure to be witty and amazing in my 100th post. To post reflections over the past 2 years of blogging. To thank all of my avid blog reading fans (went from 17 to 16 followers yesterday afternoon...sigh). To announce some big life change. To have some deep life meditation moment of how this blog has changed my life.

it hasn't.

But it has taught me how to process things. It has helped me sort through my thoughts. It's helped me put words to the emotions and feelings the fly around in my head. It's stretched me to really nail down and contemplate what God is teaching me. It's helped me recognize the beauty in everyday life. It also helped me work through the pain.

As I said in my very first blog post. "It will be real. It will be blunt. It will be me." and all of those things pretty much sum up what it has been thus far. (except i DO occasionally hold back a cuss word or two...knowing my aunts are reading it. ;)

With the formality of the 100th-Blog-Post-Recognition out of the way, I would like to say "thanks." Thanks for your comments and e-mails that were sent in response to my last blog. It truly was encouraging to hear all that you had to say and to know that others are praying that God will bring me a close friend.

And, in case you were wondering, I do feel better now. I'm no longer staring blankly at the celing crying my eyes out. I'm moving on. I'm even feeling pretty positive and happy today, thank you very much. :)

However since my blog does help me process my thoughts and deep ponderings i've been thinking a lot about the whole friend thing since then I've realized some things:

• Some of the acquaintances I have here could potentially grow to closer friends, I just need to give it some time...
• I should make more of an effort with my long distance friendships.
• That God has a plan, and there is a reason i'm in this season - but that He also wants good things for me and wants to see me happy so my prayer of one good friend WILL be answered.
• I need to try more spontaneous friend gatherings - you see, i'm a planner. I like to set a coffee or dinner date "on the books" several weeks in advance. Maybe this crazy planning cycle i've gotten myself into is the only reason why I don't see these acquaintances more often to build them into close friends!
• I truly do feel like I'm in need of one close friend, but that I might be feeling this heightened need for friendship because Josh and I have been really disconnected from our church community this summer. Traveling a lot. no small groups. when we are at church, we are serving in some way and never truly connect...etc. etc.
• I need to spend more time alone with God. Listening and Praying. Praying and Listening.

I think that's all for now. Thanks again for all your encouragement over the past couple of days. It means a lot to me...really.