I'm learning a new word this week: content.
It's a difficult word to learn and it's forcing me to grow and confront some immaturity that has been seeping into my veins for the past year. I have a constant feeling that real peace and happiness are always just out of my reach. That the next step in my career, a baby, a move, a new house, car, tv, coffee, will make me feel better. It's the american dream at it's best and Katherine Michael at her worst.
This "grass-is-always-greener-syndrome" is poisoning my heart.
Why am I constantly looking for what is missing in my life? I know I have blessings beyond belief. I get to experience things others only DREAM of! I'm married to an amazing man. I've traveled to switzerland, france and mexico. I own my home. Never been unemployed. I have literally been saved from an eternity of condemnation. I am never truly hungry. I have money in a little jar beside my bed saving for a dream (not a need!). We have two running and paid-for cars. I get to use my talents for the Lord through worship. I have experienced God's love. My dog is {cute} and house trained. I have 2 guitars to waiting for songs to be written on them. I have a computer. Relationship with my mom and dad is solid. relationship with my sisters is awesome and growing.
But, somehow i find a way to complain. I'm constantly looking for ways to adjust my life and make it better. Loose weight. Cut my hair. Clean my house. Re-decorate. Upgrade everything. change. move. tweak. morph. switch. vary. transition. It's disgusting. It has actually gotten to the point where i'm doing most of these things subconsciously without rhyme or reason and i wind up more confused than ever.
I know i'm called to be content. I also know, from the deepest parts of me, that Jesus inspires greatness! Not mediocrity! another "awesome" (read: confusing/frustrating) paradox of the Kingdom. I don't want to be mediocre. Inside me there is still an echo of my childhood dreams. Inside of me is still a box with all the promises God has given me. I'm only 26. I still want to do great things with my life.
Am I supposed to give up on great in quest for content?
Maybe my definition of greatness needs to be reworked.
Maybe my definition of content needs to be reworked.
God, i'm opening myself up to be reworked starting now.
p.s. i just went to dictionary.reference.com to look up content...i got an error message.
I tried again. I got a page that said "Content: no dictionary results" I guess God really wants me to go to Him this time.
kat - this is a great post. really.
ReplyDeleteI think God made us this way (and I'm using 'us' to describe both of us, because I get this way too) to teach us a lesson. Ha, in fact I think a lot of the reasons I am the way I am is so God can teach me something through it.
ReplyDeleteI've recently been overly crabby about my job. And my job is perfectly fine. It's just that need to... tweak it, change it, make it perfect. But it's supposed to be what it is. I'm praying for a joyful heart... over... and over... and over. :)